Switching Coffee for Chamomile Tea Helps You Care Even Less About Work

Sleepy

A new study has shown that switching your morning coffee to chamomile tea decreases your motivation dramatically and helps you cruise through the work day easier.

One advertising account manager said she felt the benefits instantly.

“I used to reach for a coffee first thing in the morning to help shake off the existential dread I felt about going to work, but I had it all wrong,” she said. “By switching to chamomile tea my care factor remains low and I can have a successful day being unproductive. Yesterday I had a snooze in the disabled dunny.”

Another worker who had also made the switch said it helps him prioritise what’s important in life.

“Stuff being wide awake on work’s time,” the surgeon said. “Now I have a coffee at about 5pm and by the time I get home I’m ready to play PUBG all night. My kill-death ratio has gone way up on both fronts.”

Local pubs are cashing in on the trend to stay demotivated during work hours by moving their happy hours to the morning.

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Hipsters Angry oBikes are Making Cycling Mainstream

oBIke dumped

Hipsters have been vandalising oBikes across Sydney out of anger that the share bikes are making cycling more accessible and mainstream.

“People can’t just pay a half-hour fee and become one of us,” one furious hipster said. “These frauds even have multiple gears!”

Angry hipsters have justified the vandalism, noting that the bikes, often left in messy clumps or stranded in strange places, are an eyesore.

“These bikes make our streets look ugly in a non-fashionable way,” one woman with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper said. “None of these so-called bikes are in pastel colours or even have baskets.”

Another hipster, also with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper, rubbished the clone-like design of the bikes.

“They all look the same,” she said. “Bikes should be an extension of yourself, not simply an affordable mode of public transport.”

An oBike spokesperson said they plan on installing vintage Spokey Dokeys from the ’80s on all their bikes in an attempt to win hipsters over.

Sydney Thought to be a Minecraft Simulation

minecraft sydney

Sydney’s never-ending construction projects are proof the city is not real and is likely a giant computer simulation created by a more sophisticated intelligence playing the popular world-building game Minecraft, according to top CSRIO scientists.

“Tearing down the monorail to build a light rail ‘just because’ or moving The Powerhouse Museum out to Parramatta is exactly something a bored Minecraft player would do,” one scientist said. “We’re clearly just a sandbox for some technologically advanced teenager having a bit of fun attempting to create a city in his or her spare time.”

Other scientists agree.

“The worst part about it all is that the being playing the Minecraft simulation is not very good at the game,” a researcher said. “Look at the place, there are cranes and construction going on everywhere and most of it doesn’t make any sense. Like the $38 million Albert ‘Tibby’ Cotter cycle and pedestrian bridge over Anzac Parade that isn’t used by cyclists or pedestrians.”

Sydneysiders are hoping the advanced species playing the game gives up soon or resets the whole thing and starts again.

Hipster Shamed by Spotify Time Capsule Full of Pop Music

hipster

A Newtown hipster was mortally embarrassed today when it was revealed his Spotify Time Capsule – a new feature that generates a playlist of songs that take you back to your teenage years based on your listening history ­– was full of trashy pop music.

The man tried to play the ironic card, but the damage had been done.

“I’ve dedicated my life to carefully crafting the way other people think of me. My whole apartment is full of milk crates containing B-side vinyl,” the hipster said with thick vocal fry. “So, to be undone by an app truly puts a spanner in the fixed-gear works.”

Guests at the vegan barbecue where the playlist was broadcast were horrified.

“We were all just practising our chilling-out poses while drinking longies from brown paper bags and then S Club 7’s Don’t Stop Moving came on. Imagine one of us accidently tapped our feet!” one guest said.

“Laying down a track at a barbecue that someone has heard before is embarrassing enough, but a charting pop song? He’s gone.”

The hipster is scheduled to be excommunicated at a ceremony where his beard will be removed with a blowtorch for bringing shame on his people.

95% of People Not Sure if we Lost or Gained Sleep for Daylight Savings

daylight

An overwhelming number of Sydney-siders are completely stumped about whether they lost or gained sleep when daylight savings kicked in this morning, a NASA study has revealed.

One Sydney man said he had used the confusion to his advantage.

“Due to my phone’s clock changing automatically overnight, my body clock was confused, and I had no idea what time it ‘really’ was,” said the man. “I just told myself that 9am today time is probably more like 5pm or so yesterday time, so I took myself to the pub for a few schooners to help adjust.”

Other people were choosing to ignore the issue for now.

“Look, I’m not even going to worry about it today,” one woman said. “I’ll keep it up my sleeve and use daylight savings as an excuse to be four hours late to work on Tuesday.”

Daylight savings has been cited as the number-one reason for people waking up feeling horrible today, despite the fact that many have eaten nothing but pingers since knocking off work for the long weekend on Friday morning.

Man Between Netflix Shows Turns to Drugs to Fill Void

NetflixSads

A man who recently finished watching a series on Netflix and is still searching for a new show has turned to drugs to fill the hole that has been left in his life.

“The worst part was that I didn’t realise I had watched the finale of the most recent season until I went to watch the next episode and there wasn’t one,” the man said. “I spent the next few hours flipping through Netflix and Stan before an overwhelming sense of indecision and panic forced me to turn off the TV and take the edge off with a relaxing ice pipe.”

The man said realising that he’d watched the latest season of his favourite show and the new season wouldn’t start for at least a year felt “like a bad break-up when you’re in one of those confusing on-and-off relationships”.

“It’s a bit like grieving,” he said. “I’m still getting flashbacks and thinking often of all the characters and the good times we shared, but I’m worried those memories will soon start to fade.”

The man tried reading a book “out of desperation” but had to stop after suffering chronic imagination pains.

Man Finishes Movie Snacks Before Movie Starts

movies

A Sydney movie goer who purchased a jumbo popcorn and Coke to enjoy throughout his Thursday night flick has managed to demolish all his treats during the trailers.

To make matters worse, the man said this was not the first time it’s happened.

“Last time I floored all my snacks before even making it to my seat, so this was a slight improvement,” the man said. “However, with ads and trailers pushing 90 minutes these days, I feel like I never had a chance to begin with.”

The man confirmed that after dropping $430 on tickets and snacks, he wasn’t in a financial position to get a choc-top reinforcement to see him into the actual movie.

His Facebook suggestion to show the trailers after the movie was met with a firm “no” from cinemas.