Nervous Start to Christmas Party as Colleagues Wonder who has Cocaine

WhiteXmas

It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas.

One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about.

“I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port before the event even started to sand down the corners a bit,” he said. “I started with joking-yet-deadly-serious quips about whose nose was thirsty, but I ended up just straight out asking ‘do you have some cocaine for me to smell with my nose?’.”

Staffers who came packing bagged heat said the tension was even worse for them.

“About 12 people followed every time I went to the bathroom attempting to get a nose bite,” one man said. “It was like when the fish are on, and you have to hide behind a rock to bait your hook.”

Management of the company said it would try to avoid the tension next year by bumping the Kris Kringle limit to $300 and hoping everyone gets the idea of what to buy each other.

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Cigarette Company Launches Optimus Ice Crush

MethBlast

A cigarette company has described its new Optimus Ice Crush darts as “smokes for a new generation” at a product launch today.

The durry features the same NASA-developed technology as the brand’s popular Optimus Crush product, which contains a crushed mint pellet that releases a menthol-like taste from first to last drag.

A spokesperson said evolving the new line was a no-brainer.

“Kids already love the icy-freshness of Optimus Crush, so adding a more exciting type of ice with Optimus Ice Crush was a logical next step,” he said, adding that it’s “perfect for those wanting to take the edge off and on at the same time”.

Smokers praised the decision.

“As a gentleman who enjoys both a ciggie and a shard, this superhero team-up works as well as Batman and Superman,” one 14-year-old said.

Optimus Ice Crush will be sold in packs of one and are said to provide days of enjoyment.

Proud Parents Make it through End-of-year School Assembly without Drugs or Alcohol

Proud

The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.

“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”

The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.

“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.

WestConnex “Drug Super High Way” to be Extended to Bondi Beach

DrugSuperHighway

The controversial WestConnex motorway project has been secretly extended to create an express route from Sydney’s western suburbs to Bondi Beach after researchers found it was the journey most frequently made by “private couriers”, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal.

The extension, dubbed the “drug super high way”, is described as “key to both ensuring the financial future of one of the biggest industries in Sydney’s west and maintaining Bondi’s iconic nightlife” in leaked documents that outline “world-first” features, including a “white lane” in place of the more traditional bus lane, which will enable couriers to reach clients within 20 minutes of receiving an order for a bag.

Additionally, drivers will be able to insert their E-Toll tag in a bum bag rather than fitting it to a car windscreen.

“We discovered that a number of couriers use rented vehicles in their Eastern run and this bum-tag-bag convenience ensures they can easily switch between a white Lexus or Range Rover,” a spokesperson said, noting that the new road will also benefit the “thousands” of people living in denial about their home address.

“Our research showed that a number of so-called Bondi locals were in fact residents of the western suburbs.”

Sunday Drinkers Claim Hangover “Impossible” after Such a Nice Day

SundaySession

A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.

One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.

“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.

“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”

Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.

White Activists Claim Black Friday is Racist

BLACK FRIDAY

Sydney-based activist group White Activists for People of Colour has described the annual Black Friday shopping event as “racist”, claiming that it implies black people can only afford to buy goods when they’re on sale.

“We were so excited to find something new to be offended by on other people’s behalf,” one activist said. “We’ve planned a peaceful riot this afternoon and promise no flag will be left unburned until everyone thinks the way we do.”

Another group member also claimed the event should not have assumed the day’s unit of time as Friday.

“How can we know for sure that this particular moment of the rotation of the earth’s axis wants to identify itself as ‘Friday’?” the spokesperson said.

The whole event has been claimed as one of the greatest discoveries of offensiveness this decade.

New Personal Training Service Where Trainers do the Workout for You

Fitness4U

A service launched in Sydney today allows “time-poor” clients to relax while personal trainers work out on their behalf.

The new service, called Fitness 4 U, is designed for busy Sydneysiders who’d rather be drinking at work, drinking at the pub, or drinking at home than exercise.

One of the first members of the service said it’s up there with having porn on your phone in terms of game changingness.

“This way I can tell myself I’m going to exercise today, not exercise today, but then still feel good about it as someone else did it for me,” the man said. “I haven’t noticed any physical gains, but my conscience has improved dramatically now I don’t have to feel bad about not exercising.”

The membership also comes with a backpack that you can take with you absolutely everywhere to make those not exercising feel bad about themselves.