Sydney Sentinel’s Guide to Enjoying the Rest of Your Holidays

There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:

1. Drink alcohol at home.

2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.

3. Drink alcohol at the pub.

4. $10 hits on Big Red.

5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.

6. Have an affair.

7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.

8. Worry about going back to work.

9. Drink methylated spirits.

10. Depression.

Now get out there and enjoy!

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Netflix and Chill Session Ruined by Sex

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A Sydney man who invited a woman to Netflix and chill last night said the evening was ruined when his date interrupted the viewing session with a binge sex marathon.

“I hardly got to watch any Netflix and the evening certainly wasn’t chill,” the man said. “We were joining Russel on one of his ‘All Aussie Adventures’ when my female friend removed my trousers and I missed the rest of the episode.”

The man is not the only one to have had an innocent evening ruined by intercourse.

“The last guy who invited me to Netflix and chill opened the door wearing just an erection,” one women said. “I later discovered he didn’t even own a TV.”

The federal minister for sexual relations said he had been unaware of the scam but now understood why his teenaged children never accepted his invitations to Netflix and chill.

Mastermind Behind Australia’s Hardest Easter Egg Hunt Reveals Secret

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A Maroubra dad whose Easter egg hunts achieved legendary status after children failed to find a single egg in 10 years, has today apologised to his family, community and religion, after admitting he’s been cheating for years.

“The real reason no one ever found any Easter eggs is that I never hid any in the first place,” he said. “All I did was hide a dozen or so cartons of beer in the fridge so I could enjoy them uninterrupted while the kids spent a few days rummaging around outside.”

The statement marks a significant change in tone from previous years, when the father of three labelled children participating in the event “idiots” for failing to find any eggs.

“Technically they’re still idiots for not working out that I never hid any eggs in the first place, but I guess I could be partly to blame,” he said, adding that he planned to make up for the decade of neglect by treating his children to a chocolate egg each the moment they go on sale tomorrow.

Sydney Sentinel Writer Suffers No-life Crisis

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A writer for Australia’s most credible news site, the Sydney Sentinel, has spent the past three months in bed suffering a no-life crisis, according to this article.

A no-life crisis is similar to a mid-life crisis but experienced by people who have achieved nothing in life, explained one expert, who described the condition as “a growing concern among millennials”.

Commonly prescribed depression cures, such as advice from friends to “just snap out of it” or “harden up, you poof”, were surprisingly ineffective, the writer said, adding that he wasted a lot of time in the early stages of his no-life crises seeking help in the wrong places.

“At first, I was upset to learn the suicide hotline wasn’t a handy ‘how to’ service, but instead offered ‘how not to’ advice,” he said. “But in the end, they helped me find an ongoing solution rather than a permanent one.”

By following a strict diet of prescribed pills and bothering a phycologist once a week, the writer believes he may be able to force himself to write an article occasionally, a 40 per cent improvement on the months when he was unable to leave bed to shower, a time he described as “strangely unenjoyable”.

“Spending three months in bed with no job, ambitions or human contact probably sounds like paradise to most people, but my brain just wouldn’t let me enjoy these simple pleasures,” he said. “Now I’m just trying to achieve a little more each day, which will be a challenge today, as yesterday I ate leftover Chinese on toast for breakfast and watched all the Rocky films.”

Workers Return from Holidays Feeling Refreshed Hatred for their Jobs

Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.

One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.

“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”

One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.

“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.

Being as Weird as Possible Not the Same as Being Creative, Study Finds

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Creating random, collage-style film clips using every technique learned at art school does not make you a creative genius, a new study has found.

The CSIRO study, conducted by a brave scientist who agreed to endure a marathon A Clockwork Orange-style viewing of Rage, found that being strange for the sake of being strange and a misunderstanding of what it means to be ironic were endemic issues.

“It was a horror show of senseless imagery, grotesque pastiches and blatant rip-offs, all presented with a faux-ironic wink,” he said. “I failed to identify a single memorable tune, charismatic frontman or epic guitar riff.”

The study comes as a timely reminder that wearing a 1980s-style pastel suit paired with a tea cosy as a hat is more likely to be a desperate cry for attention than a sign of individuality.

Poor Kids on Santa’s Naughty List for 4,000th Year Straight

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Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.

“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”

One rich kid who received an iPhone Xs, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.

“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”

Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2019.