The Nightmare After Christmas: Newtown Burns as Girl Gifted Doll

Newtown Protest

A state of emergency has been declared in New South Wales as riots reach their third day in Newtown after a young girl was gifted a doll from Santa Clause this Christmas.

The violent protests began shortly after Christmas morning when the girl’s parents watched in horror as their daughter gleefully ripped open the gift they said proved “Santa is a sexist pig. His beard isn’t even ironic, he’s a dated religious throwback that needs to go”.

“I spat my kale eggnog all over our free-range Christmas tree when I saw the doll,” the shocked mother said. “We’ve gently shamed our daughter away from liking things that come naturally to her, and Santa has just undone all our organic parenting.”

A NSW Police spokesperson has warned people to stay away from Newtown, stating that “if it goes for another day we may have to start cutting Centrelink payments”.

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