Juice bar bosses were today accused of lacing staff members’ mandatory pre-shift smoothies with methamphetamine, otherwise known as crystal meth.
The allegations come after an autopsy revealed lethal amounts of the drug had been consumed by a teenage staff member who was originally thought to have died from chronic overenthusiasm about customers’ lives and fruit-based drinks.
The company at the centre of the tragedy issued a statement describing the death as “unfortunate” but saying that “cutting employees’ pre-shift smoothies with methamphetamine is key to giving the juice bar a fun, lively environment that screams health and happiness”.
The statement went on to say the practice was an “obvious and necessary step for anyone employing teens”, noting that “without hard drugs, kids don’t even find a rave exciting, let alone making smoothies”.
Youth streetwear stores are also under scrutiny, with preliminary findings suggesting an epic overuse of hipster lingo and hand gestures combined with a severe lack of actual customer service.