Hipsters Now Only Masturbate to Vintage Porno Mags

old mag

Curly moustachioed folk have begun masturbating exclusively to vintage pornography magazines foraged from local parks or under an uncle’s bed, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal.

“PornHub is so mainstream,” a hipster spokesman said. “Magazines have a certain smell and feel that you simply can’t recreate with a video.”

The spokesman took our investigative team to a local park he described as a “beardmine” for dumped porno magazines, where after a 20-minute hunt we discovered a 1992 edition of The Picture magazine, soggy and faded from the elements.

Unfortunately, no further comment was given as our hipster guide raced home in his fixed-gear car immediately after his discovery.

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