Supermarkets Trialling Enforcement Droid 209 to Tackle Self-service Theft

ED209

Major supermarkets have announced a plan to start using Enforcement Droid 209 units in a desperate bid to crack down on self-service theft.

The droids are a fully-automated series of peacekeeping machines created by Omni Consumer Products. Currently, the units are programmed for supermarket pacification, but OCP has also negotiated contracts with the military for use in war.

Each unit is armed with three automatic cannons – two on the left arm and one on the right arm, which also has an auto-shotgun and a rocket launcher capable of firing three rockets – and has additional combat programming enabling it to melee attack at closer ranges.

Major supermarkets have described the move as a “logical next step in our fight for survival”.

“Self-service theft has put such a huge dent in our profits that we’re in danger of no longer being one of the world’s most profitable businesses,” one supermarket spokesmen said. “The ED-209 will ensure that if anyone scans a lobster, Singapore chilli crab or box of Magnums as a brown onion, they will face an instant on-the-spot death penalty.” 

A government spokesperson said if the program was a success, they’d also be interested in investing in the ED-209 to guard high-value assets like casinos.

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