Light Rail workers depressed about going back to work as project wraps up

Depression has kicked in for Sydney Light Rail workers as the multi-billion dollar project comes to an end after 22 years.

“I can’t even remember what my job was,” one tradie said. “But luckily I haven’t forgotten how to build a solid compo claim.”

Another worker slammed his peers for being so lazy.

“These men and women who sat around doing nothing the whole time only have themselves to blame,” the man said. “I put in the hard work and studied medicine on the job, so I’m looking forward to my future as an orthopaedic surgeon.”

A government spokesperson called for cooler heads, saying they have plenty more projects to keep workers busy doing nothing to help build projects vital to please their mates who own construction companies.

Local buys girlfriend new couch so he still has a good place to sleep when he’s in the doghouse

A local man has thoughtfully bought his girlfriend a stunning new couch.

While this has been received positively in the household as a benevolent move, locals familiar with the man feel he’s up to his old tricks.

“That clever scallywag,” a rugby teammate said.

“Knowing that he’s sentenced to the couch most evenings, he may as well ensure the couch has all the modern comforts.”

“I tend to get a bit dodgy on the grog-bottles if I’m being honest,” the man said.

“There’s actually a running joke with my friends when we go on a bender (Ed: Tuesday trivia), being ‘who’s gonna be in the doghouse tomorrow’? This is now funny to everybody except me”.

The man’s main squeeze has ignored the rumours regarding his alternate motives for buying such a comfortable sofa.

So it’s smiles-all-round as the couple enjoy the latest episodes of Storage Wars and enjoy Uber Eats on their new Companion Couch.

Amazingly – the man hasn’t been sent back to the doghouse after truthfully revealing what he paid for the new couch.

<Article written to give you a laugh, and get you into a better couch thanks to my (non -made-up) pals at Companion Couch.>

Endless Source of Crumbs in Toaster Hailed as Possible Solution to World Hunger

A Sydney woman who posted a frustrated rant on social media about the seemingly boundless breadcrumbs coming from her toaster has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for providing a possible solution to world hunger. 

“No matter how much I clean the damn thing, every time I move the toaster, more crumbs appear in its wake,” the woman’s Facebook post reads.

The post sparked a string of similar discoveries, with thousands of people claiming their toasters were also producing an inexplicable volume of crumbs.

Scientists are now investigating how to harness this mysterious natural phenomenon and early reports suggest it may offer the key to solving world hunger, which has led to a heated debate about whether or not the woman should be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize.

“lInitially we were going to burn her at the stake for witchcraft because we weren’t sure what our other options were when a woman achieves something of this kind of magnitude,” a Nobel Peace Prize spokesperson said.

“But then we checked the fine print and realised that we can’t actually do that anymore and also that women are in fact eligible to win major international prizes. This was almost as surprising to us as the discovery itself and we’re all very excited about it. What a time to be alive.”

Local who’s “never been wrong” discovers intelligent life inside echo chamber.

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A stay-at-home twelfth-year student has discovered comfort in an echo chamber within a TaxiBox storage unit outside his parents’ Sydney chateau.

“I’ve finally met that special someone who says exactly what I demand other people think,” the self-proclaimed woke-ologist said. “And that person happens to be the most respected life form I’ve ever met – me.”

The man, who insisted we mention he attended North Sydney Private School for the Private, slammed those who argue his viewpoints by adding ‘ophobe’ to any word to shame people into silence.

“Thank God – who doesn’t exist, mind you – the echo inside my storage container never disagrees with me,” the man who now also wants us to mention he’s a genius said. “This is my safe space.”

A TaxiBox spokesperson said the student had missed the point of its service providing a way to easily store or move belongings, but added that the company never judges the “creative” ways people choose to use its units. “However, we may make an exception this time for a laugh,” he said.

Sydney event with 1920 theme a lifesaver for homesick Adelaidians.

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A Sydney entrepreneur/influencer/stay-at-home-model who currently specialises in creating premium events – that are actually premium – has struck “Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee” (known as gold in other states) with Adelaide natives tonight, after promoting her latest event as “a step back in time to the 1920s”.

“The event sold out in an Adelaide minute,” the organiser/owner/blogger said. “Which translates to about a week using Australian Eastern Standard Time.”

Her surprise at Sydney’s desire for a 1920s event soon made sense after receiving thousands of letters in her mailbox, and one or two emails, from Adelaide ex-pats praising the event for making them finally feel at home in their new city, if only for one night.

“There have been some odd questions”, the promoter said. “From, ‘will there be a life-save replica of Malls Balls’, ‘will one of the courses be Fritz’ to asking if ‘The Piping Shrike will make an appearance.”

The organiser both excited Sydney residents that the event will focus on the glamour of the 1920s, while disappointing Adelaide Australians that they will be serving ‘espresso’ instead of ‘expresso’.”

Despite the mix-up between guests, the exclusive evening will be “at least 800 times more VIP than a Sydney VIP lounge,” and Epic Events promises it will continue to make Australia late (or at least, fun) again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus Sues the Bible for Slander

Pop culture icon and son of God, Jesus Christ, has announced he will be suing the bible for slander after an increase in people being “tools” in his name.

Speaking from heaven, Jesus told the Sydney Sentinel “I didn’t even know the gronks who wrote the thing.”

“It’s time I publish my own bible to share what I actually said and did,” he said. “And I won’t cut costs by using that bullshit wafer-thin paper.”

Jesus admits he made mistakes, citing when he turned water into wine.

“I just wanted people to like me,” said Jesus. “If I turned water into sparkling water nobody would have given a shit. But then everyone got so sledgehammered they made stuff up.”

Jesus hopes that by writing the bible himself, people will find peace within themselves, and everybody else his dad created.

Sydney Sentinel’s Guide to Enjoying the Rest of Your Holidays

There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:

1. Drink alcohol at home.

2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.

3. Drink alcohol at the pub.

4. $10 hits on Big Red.

5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.

6. Have an affair.

7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.

8. Worry about going back to work.

9. Drink methylated spirits.

10. Depression.

Now get out there and enjoy!