A Sydney man has lost both his arms after they were torn clean from his shoulders in his local supermarket when he refused to use a trolley for a larger-than-usual shop.
The man said he knew he was testing gravity when he added a two-litre bottle of chocolate milk to his already-heavy basket, but insisted that losing his arms was a small price to pay to protect his trendy supermarket image.
“Basket users have the highest street cred in the supermarket, that’s a fact,” the man said. “If I switch to a trolley I’m basically telling everyone I’ve given up on life and will be spending my evenings smashing frozen pizzas and Neapolitan ice cream.”
This isn’t the first time a shopper has lost his arms after refusing to use a trolley for a large shop, a supermarket spokesperson said.
“It’s opened up a whole new business for us selling prosthetic arms,” she said. “We couldn’t be happier.”
A Sydney man’s phone consistently runs out of battery the exact moment an Uber needs to be booked on a night out, a special investigation into the matter has been told.
Friends said they raised the alarm after the man reported his phone’s mysterious behaviour for the ninth weekend in a row.
“He always seems to have a hard time retrieving his phone from his pocket when someone suggests we catch an Uber, which is odd because he’s the quickest draw in the Inner West when a Tinder notification comes through,” one friend said. “Then, when he does finally get his phone out to book an Uber, it’s always dead.”
Another friend has confirmed the story, adding that the man always promises to buy the person paying for the ride a drink.
“The drink never comes,” another friend of the man said. “But when we get to the pub, his phone always miraculously comes back to life until it’s time to share an Uber home.”
The only good thing about sliding down an icy hill, eating strange animal parts and paying thousands for worthless rocks is that other people can’t afford to, some of Australia’s wealthiest people have admitted.
“Going to the beach is obviously a lot more fun than skiing, but anyone can afford to do that,” one rich kid said in an interview from his parent’s ski chalet. “I thought this charade was something everyone was in on – I mean, exclusivity is the only logical reason anyone would choose to eat fattened duck liver or fish eggs over a sausage roll in a roll with sauce.”
Another rich kid said she was ditching all pretence of subtlety because responsibilities such as Instagramming photos of her business class ticket besides a strategically placed glass of Champagne from the Qantas lounge was becoming a full-time job.
“I’ve stopped buying expensive jewellery and perfumes and simply started pinning money to my designer outfits,” she said. “Poor people can’t tell the difference between designer and Target anyway, so this way they can easily identify me as #blessed.”
Other rich people have told The Sydney Sentinel that they also have decided to be more obvious about their superiority by leaving their ATM receipts in the machine for the next person to marvel at.
Sydney cafe owners have dismissed a Melbourne cafe’s bid to address the gender pay gap by charging men an additional 18 per cent as a “stunt”, noting that true equality means ripping off everyone equally.
“We’ve always insisted on charging everyone as much as possible,” one Sydney cafe owner said. “But to prove just how dedicated to equality we are, we’ll now be demanding all our customers pay an additional 18 per cent.”
Cafe owners in Canberra have also waded into the debate, saying that the city would avoid taking a real stand and maintain its reputation for being the perfect middle ground by charging customers a 9.5 per cent increase.
Joe Hockey has chimed in with a solution that echoes his advice for young people struggling to enter the property market.
“This whole situation could’ve been avoided if women would just get jobs that pay more,” he said.
A Sydney man is busy planning his 10th career change this month in an effort to find a job that fulfills him. The man, who has worked in 190 different industries since last year, said none of his jobs have been as rewarding as being on the dole or begging on the streets.
“I don’t want a job that feels like work,” the man said. “If I have to spend eight hours in the office doing an hour of work every day, I want to be able to enjoy what I do.”
The man is not alone in his hunt to find a rewarding job.
“We haven’t been able to nominate an employee of the month for two years since nobody has stayed with us for an entire month,” a spokesperson for a major Sydney retailer said. “Young people need to understand that work is horrible and simply learn to use alcohol, opiates, benzos, and hallucinogens as coping mechanisms like the rest of us.”
The comments come as a report revealed an alarming number of Sydney-siders are using a loophole to skip the workforce completely by becoming lifelong students and living with their parents forever.
Sydney’s commercial radio stations this morning have detailed plans to replace all on-air talent with pre-recorded canned laughter.
“Our hosts are the best in the business at laughing at nothing but times are tough for media and we’ve already gotten rid of all the journalists and fact checkers so the hosts were the next logical people to go,” a commercial radio spokesperson said.
“It was also a medical issue. It’s a little-known fact that hosts often need to sticky tape their faces back together after fake laughing so long.”
A research company who conducted blind tests for the new approach said listeners couldn’t tell the difference between the current hosts and canned laughter.
“Sometimes the audience even preferred the canned laughter, as it was more believable,” a researcher said.
The Sydney Sentinel couldn’t find anyone that actually listened to commercial radio to comment.
A Sydney man today has been forced to wash his soiled hands with soap and water after a colleague walked into the bathroom just as he exited his well-used cubical.
“Talk about bad timing,” the man said. “Now my hands smell like I’m some sort of fruit who wears fancy perfumes. It’s disgusting.”
A human-resources representative sympathised with the man but noted that there was no way of avoiding the “unfortunate incident”.
“We understand that the victim did the right thing and waited until all toilet patrons had left the bathroom before exiting the stall, but then this other bloke burst in out of nowhere and made eye contact with the man, forcing him to make a show of washing his hands,” the HR spokesperson said.
Staff were horrified when notified of the shocking incident.
“Christ,” said one man. “I’ve heard those taps have enough germs on them to take your hand off. It would’ve been better to wash his hands in the urinal with a trough lolly.”