A Sydney man was forced to eat his own poo to make it through a night trapped inside a local health food emporium when staff locked the store up for the night without realising he was still inside.
The mishap occurred after the man rushed into the store to use the gender-neutral toilet and fell into an LSD-like trance on the stool pool thanks to the mystic incense burning within the restroom.
The man said he would have used the pub toilet like a normal person, but he didn’t feel like having the 50 or so guilt beers he was forced to down the last time a publican caught him popping in just to use the gents.
“When I came to after smelling colours and seeing sounds I’ve never tasted before, it was too late, and I was locked in the store with no phone charge,” the man said. “I tried to make it through the night with no food or water, but it was impossible. I had to do what anyone would do locked up in a place that only served loony health food, and dine on my own poo and wash it down with my own wee.”
The man said that unlike the way most odd foods are described, it certainly didn’t taste like chicken.
A Sydney man who told his girlfriend of seven years he wouldn’t marry her until gay people enjoyed equal rights is desperately searching for a back-up plan after polls suggested the yes vote is likely to win.
“It was the perfect excuse – it was simple, it worked, and it made me look like I had morals or something,” the man said. “But it looks like my get-out-of-jail-free card will be torn up when the vote is announced on Wednesday. My girlfriend’s even dropping hints saying what a great day it would be for all couples to propose. Unfortunately, it might be time for me to hit the road.”
The man is not alone, with one woman telling The Sydney Sentinel she had to vote no to protect her own freedom from marriage.
“Yeah, I used the whole ‘not until everyone can get married’ line as well,” she said. “Even though I do support gay marriage, I don’t support having to get married myself, so it’s a no from me.”
A Sydney man last night left the staff at a country Chinese restaurant gobsmacked when he pushed aside the default knife and fork and called for the chopsticks.
The owner of the Chinese restaurant said this was the first time the chopsticks have made an appearance in the restaurant and it took them a good 30 minutes to find the ancient tools of the Orient.
“We thought he was having a laugh at first,” the restaurant owner said. “But the way he used them to devour a mixed entrée bordered on sorcery.”
People lucky enough to dine in the presence of the man said they were in awe.
“We weren’t expecting dinner and a show,” one diner said. “But watching him perform made me feel like it was variety night at the RSL. My wife wanted to go home with the gentleman.”
The restaurant was also caught off guard when the man didn’t order the staple of spring rolls, honey chicken, sweet and sour pork, and fried rice, forcing the chef to study old Women’s Weekly Chinese cookbooks before frying up the strange order.
Sydney’s elite gathered last night to sleep like homeless people do, except with a few creature comforts, like being indoors, lobster canapes, hookers, cocaine, Champagne and a virtual reality game called “Big bucks hunting the poor”, which allows users to engage with “close-to-real” homeless people by shooting them.
Participants described the event as one of the highlights of their social calendar.
“The networking opportunities at this event are extraordinary,” one banking CEO said. “It also goes to show the homeless are simply lazy, as I made more than $5 billion last night striking up new deals… oh, and I personally helped more than 60 virtual homeless people get off the street permanently, thanks to my boom-stick.”
Another CEO, who describes himself as a self-made millionaire who turned a trillion-dollar inheritance into thousands all by himself, said the event was “eye opening”.
“No wonder people choose to be homeless, it’s amazing!” he said while enjoying a peking-duck on a stick. “I’m actually thinking of becoming homeless next year for tax reasons, so it’s grand to get some practice in this luxury setting.”
The event, which raised $10 million for charities providing services for the homeless, cost $40 billion, half of which was spent on cocaine for those who choose not to sleep at the sleepout.
A Botany area garbage man was discharged from hospital today after spending almost six months in bed as the result of an unprecedented bender in which he attempted to drink all of his Christmas presents from local residents in one night.
“It would’ve been rude not to drink them all, but after polishing off the 10,836 six-packs residents had left out as gifts, I spent Christmas Day praying to the porcelain gods instead of Santa,” the man said. “I even opened a few gifts from under the tree and drunk those as well. One was a radio-controlled car, so I’m not sure how I managed that.”
A NSW government health spokesperson pinned the blame squarely on the generosity of the Botany community.
“A thing like this wouldn’t happen in the wealthier suburbs us government folk like to live, as we simply do not give presents to people who are beneath us,” she said. “Taking out our trash is an honour for these men, and we remind them every single week with insults, not beers once a year at Christmas that could lead to this sort of thing happening. It’s a disgrace.”
The garbage man has refused to admit defeat, but has asked that every second home in his local area leave out a bottle of Jagermeister and a few Red Bulls instead of beers this year, to ensure he will have the energy he needs to enjoy all his gifts in one night.
Inspired by the way the Sydney café scene flourished after adding babyccinos to the menu in the early 2000s, a Surry Hills pub has begun offering schoonerchinos to keep young children entertained while their parents drink.
The publican behind the innovation, who describes his mini schooners as “caffeine-free and perfect for little hands”, said there was no longer any reason for patrons to leave the pub early or leave their kids locked in the car while they drink.
“We’ve found many of our customers aren’t able to drink as much as they’d like to because of family annoyances like having to pick their kids up from school or be home to make breakfast. This way, they can simply bring their kids with them in the morning and spend the day together as a loving family,” he said. “We’re even thinking of running a lesson or two in the pokie lounge to teach the little ones about math or computers or something.”
A government spokesperson has called the move “earth shattering for families”, adding that “it takes a village to raise a child, and a pub provides that village environment perfectly”.
The pub said it would limit kids to eight regular schooners and 52 schoonerccinos an hour.
The newly introduced Benzo Bender showbag has smashed previous records to become the bestselling showbag in the history of the Sydney Royal Easter Show.
The showbag, which contains Xanax and Valium, has been scooped up by parents, with some purchasing as many as 400 bags each.
“We thought it would do okay, but this is amazing,” a show spokesperson said. “It’s truly made a mockery of the previous champ, the Wizard’s Whopper, which now looks a bit limp.”
The Sydney Sentinel’s dedicated show correspondent visited the event yesterday but couldn’t get any comments from the thousands of barred out parents roaming the grounds, many of whom had passed out before even making it out of the showbag pavilion.
For those who can’t make this year’s Sydney Royal Easter Show, the Benzo Bender showbag is selling on eBay for triple the price.