Proud Parents Make it through End-of-year School Assembly without Drugs or Alcohol

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The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.

“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”

The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.

“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.

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WestConnex “Drug Super High Way” to be Extended to Bondi Beach

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The controversial WestConnex motorway project has been secretly extended to create an express route from Sydney’s western suburbs to Bondi Beach after researchers found it was the journey most frequently made by “private couriers”, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal.

The extension, dubbed the “drug super high way”, is described as “key to both ensuring the financial future of one of the biggest industries in Sydney’s west and maintaining Bondi’s iconic nightlife” in leaked documents that outline “world-first” features, including a “white lane” in place of the more traditional bus lane, which will enable couriers to reach clients within 20 minutes of receiving an order for a bag.

Additionally, drivers will be able to insert their E-Toll tag in a bum bag rather than fitting it to a car windscreen.

“We discovered that a number of couriers use rented vehicles in their Eastern run and this bum-tag-bag convenience ensures they can easily switch between a white Lexus or Range Rover,” a spokesperson said, noting that the new road will also benefit the “thousands” of people living in denial about their home address.

“Our research showed that a number of so-called Bondi locals were in fact residents of the western suburbs.”

Sunday Drinkers Claim Hangover “Impossible” after Such a Nice Day

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A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.

One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.

“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.

“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”

Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.

White Activists Claim Black Friday is Racist

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Sydney-based activist group White Activists for People of Colour has described the annual Black Friday shopping event as “racist”, claiming that it implies black people can only afford to buy goods when they’re on sale.

“We were so excited to find something new to be offended by on other people’s behalf,” one activist said. “We’ve planned a peaceful riot this afternoon and promise no flag will be left unburned until everyone thinks the way we do.”

Another group member also claimed the event should not have assumed the day’s unit of time as Friday.

“How can we know for sure that this particular moment of the rotation of the earth’s axis wants to identify itself as ‘Friday’?” the spokesperson said.

The whole event has been claimed as one of the greatest discoveries of offensiveness this decade.

New Personal Training Service Where Trainers do the Workout for You

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A service launched in Sydney today allows “time-poor” clients to relax while personal trainers work out on their behalf.

The new service, called Fitness 4 U, is designed for busy Sydneysiders who’d rather be drinking at work, drinking at the pub, or drinking at home than exercise.

One of the first members of the service said it’s up there with having porn on your phone in terms of game changingness.

“This way I can tell myself I’m going to exercise today, not exercise today, but then still feel good about it as someone else did it for me,” the man said. “I haven’t noticed any physical gains, but my conscience has improved dramatically now I don’t have to feel bad about not exercising.”

The membership also comes with a backpack that you can take with you absolutely everywhere to make those not exercising feel bad about themselves.

Local Retailers Furious Amazon Australia Launch Will Force them to Offer Fair Prices

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The launch of Amazon Australia set for this afternoon is causing tremendous stress-anxiety-depression for local retailers, who are used to being able to rip customers off.

A spokesperson for one retail giant said board members have been burning the cocaine oil staying up all night trying to invent new ways to charge Australians “heaps” for products that are cheaper everywhere else in the world, a practice retailers have affectionately dubbed “the Australian tax”.

“One of the best ideas was to pretend we care for the environment and charge a carbon footprint tax or something for postage,” he said. “And a cracking idea for our bricks-and-mortar stores was to open a toll booth and charge entry, then put together a marketing campaign about how we’re creating new jobs for the folk who have to man them all day.”

Some Australian retailers have said Amazon Australia won’t make any difference to their businesses as they “don’t sell books anyway”.

Man Trapped in Health Food Store Overnight Forced to Eat Own Poo

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A Sydney man was forced to eat his own poo to make it through a night trapped inside a local health food emporium when staff locked the store up for the night without realising he was still inside.

The mishap occurred after the man rushed into the store to use the gender-neutral toilet and fell into an LSD-like trance on the stool pool thanks to the mystic incense burning within the restroom.

The man said he would have used the pub toilet like a normal person, but he didn’t feel like having the 50 or so guilt beers he was forced to down the last time a publican caught him popping in just to use the gents.
“When I came to after smelling colours and seeing sounds I’ve never tasted before, it was too late, and I was locked in the store with no phone charge,” the man said. “I tried to make it through the night with no food or water, but it was impossible. I had to do what anyone would do locked up in a place that only served loony health food, and dine on my own poo and wash it down with my own wee.”

The man said that unlike the way most odd foods are described, it certainly didn’t taste like chicken.