Sydney Cafes Outdo Melbourne Cafe’s “Sircharge” for Men by Charging Everyone Extra

CAFE

Sydney cafe owners have dismissed a Melbourne cafe’s bid to address the gender pay gap by charging men an additional 18 per cent as a “stunt”, noting that true equality means ripping off everyone equally.

“We’ve always insisted on charging everyone as much as possible,” one Sydney cafe owner said. “But to prove just how dedicated to equality we are, we’ll now be demanding all our customers pay an additional 18 per cent.”

Cafe owners in Canberra have also waded into the debate, saying that the city would avoid taking a real stand and maintain its reputation for being the perfect middle ground by charging customers a 9.5 per cent increase.

Joe Hockey has chimed in with a solution that echoes his advice for young people struggling to enter the property market.

“This whole situation could’ve been avoided if women would just get jobs that pay more,” he said.

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Sydney Man Plans 10th Career Change this Month

Career cahnge

A Sydney man is busy planning his 10th career change this month in an effort to find a job that fulfills him. The man, who has worked in 190 different industries since last year, said none of his jobs have been as rewarding as being on the dole or begging on the streets.

“I don’t want a job that feels like work,” the man said. “If I have to spend eight hours in the office doing an hour of work every day, I want to be able to enjoy what I do.”

The man is not alone in his hunt to find a rewarding job.

“We haven’t been able to nominate an employee of the month for two years since nobody has stayed with us for an entire month,” a spokesperson for a major Sydney retailer said. “Young people need to understand that work is horrible and simply learn to use alcohol, opiates, benzos, and hallucinogens as coping mechanisms like the rest of us.”

The comments come as a report revealed an alarming number of Sydney-siders are using a loophole to skip the workforce completely by becoming lifelong students and living with their parents forever.

Sydney Radio Stations to Replace Hosts with Canned Laughter

RADIO

Sydney’s commercial radio stations this morning have detailed plans to replace all on-air talent with pre-recorded canned laughter.

“Our hosts are the best in the business at laughing at nothing but times are tough for media and we’ve already gotten rid of all the journalists and fact checkers so the hosts were the next logical people to go,” a commercial radio spokesperson said.

“It was also a medical issue. It’s a little-known fact that hosts often need to sticky tape their faces back together after fake laughing so long.”

A research company who conducted blind tests for the new approach said listeners couldn’t tell the difference between the current hosts and canned laughter.

“Sometimes the audience even preferred the canned laughter, as it was more believable,” a researcher said.

The Sydney Sentinel couldn’t find anyone that actually listened to commercial radio to comment.

Man Forced to Wash Hands as Colleague Enters Work Bathroom

wash hands

A Sydney man today has been forced to wash his soiled hands with soap and water after a colleague walked into the bathroom just as he exited his well-used cubical.

“Talk about bad timing,” the man said. “Now my hands smell like I’m some sort of fruit who wears fancy perfumes. It’s disgusting.”

A human-resources representative sympathised with the man but noted that there was no way of avoiding the “unfortunate incident”.

“We understand that the victim did the right thing and waited until all toilet patrons had left the bathroom before exiting the stall, but then this other bloke burst in out of nowhere and made eye contact with the man, forcing him to make a show of washing his hands,” the HR spokesperson said.

Staff were horrified when notified of the shocking incident.

“Christ,” said one man. “I’ve heard those taps have enough germs on them to take your hand off. It would’ve been better to wash his hands in the urinal with a trough lolly.”

Unattractive Blokes Converting to Hipsterism to Distract from their Ordinary Looks

Hipster

Ordinary-looking Sydney men are converting to hipsterism en masse after realising their odds of scoring a date are surprisingly increased by donning ironic football beanies and wooden glasses and growing bum-fluff moustaches if they’re skinny or full beards if they’re larger.

“Ugly is the new handsome,” one recent convert said. “Before I converted to hipsterism, I couldn’t score a hug in a brothel, but now I’m killing it!”

Another convert said being ugly on his own terms was empowering, but hard work.

“The carefully careless look can take up to eight hours some mornings,” the man said. “But luckily I don’t have a job, and the local dive bar doesn’t do a roll call.”

Regular good-looking hipsters haven’t been happy with the amount of attention their unfortunate-looking brethren have been receiving.

“It’s become impossible to compete with these guys,” one attractive hipster said. “I may have to take a few face plants off the skateboard I’ve never used to compete with these guys.”

Sydney Man Sues Contiki After He Didn’t Score a Root

NO ROOT MAN

A Sydney man is suing Contiki Tours this morning after he managed to not pull one single root on his two-week European excursion.

“It was an absolute disgrace,” the man said. “Some greedy folks managed to hook up with multiple travellers throughout the trip, but I only had my iPhone with the volume turned down low for comfort.”

“No young person goes overseas to see the sights,” Australia’s Foreign Affairs Minister said. “So, I feel deeply for this man who returned only with a camera full of church photos.”

One of the luckier travellers on the man’s tour said he was aware of the problem and had tried to make things easier on him.

“We hung a courtesy sheet down over our bunk bed to shield him from the main event, but he only complained it was like watching an adult shadow puppet show all night,” he said.

The legal team for Contiki has unearthed damning reports revealing that, prior to embarking on his doomed overseas trip, the man had failed to score a root at several of Parramatta Road’s massage parlours.

Sydney Man Wows Country Chinese Restaurant by Requesting Chopsticks

chopsticks

A Sydney man last night left the staff at a country Chinese restaurant gobsmacked when he pushed aside the default knife and fork and called for the chopsticks.

The owner of the Chinese restaurant said this was the first time the chopsticks have made an appearance in the restaurant and it took them a good 30 minutes to find the ancient tools of the Orient.

“We thought he was having a laugh at first,” the restaurant owner said. “But the way he used them to devour a mixed entrée bordered on sorcery.”

People lucky enough to dine in the presence of the man said they were in awe.

“We weren’t expecting dinner and show,” one diner said. “But watching him perform made me feel like it was variety night at the RSL. My wife wanted to go home with the gentleman.”

The restaurant was also caught off guard when the man didn’t order the staple of spring rolls, honey chicken, sweet and sour pork, and fried rice, forcing the chef to study old Women’s Weekly Chinese cookbooks before frying up the strange order.