The Australian government has announced that the “age of entitlement” then-treasurer Joe Hockey declared over in 2012 is back exclusively for its staff, with every member of parliament set to receive a salary increase in the thousands plus simultaneous tax cuts.
Politicians have justified the entitlements, which come amid historically low wages growth nationwide, as “a necessary step” to tackle rampant bribery and corruption allegations.
“This is really in the public’s best interest,” one insider said. “If my pay rise means I can take just one less bribe next year, everyone wins.”
Malcolm Turnbull, who already has a vast museum dedicated to his private money collection, said he’ll invest the extra cash into trying to get the NBN to at least work for at least 10 of his houses.
Hockey, who is now Ambassador of Australia to the United States, said the higher salaries won’t lead to MPs becoming out of touch and that he stood by previous statements regarding poor people not driving and young people who want to break into the property market simply needing to get a better job.
“It was my job to offer pithy insights like this to the Australian public,” he said. “That’s why they paid me the big bucks.”
The government has defended the controversial 10 per cent “luxury tax” on tampons, saying it will only scrap the levy when all Australians can enjoy a monthly period, regardless of gender.
“When men can enjoy the same regular cramps, bleeding and acne that women do, we will of course get rid of the tampon tax,” a government health spokesperson said. “What’s important is that this is fair for everyone involved.”
However Australian men’s groups have argued that the tax on sanitary items should be abolished, along with similar taxes on a raft of other “so-called luxuries”.
“Beer, cigarettes and pornography are all highly taxed items that are treated as luxuries but these are needs, not wants,” one man said.
Violent protests are underway at universities across Sydney against the Australian Made logo that appears on products whose ingredients or production mostly originate from Australia.
Those protesting the logo claim anyone who buys an item with the logo is a bigot and should be yelled at.
A nineteenth-year Arts student who organised the Sydney-wide protest said he’d been racking his brain for something to protest against for some time now, and was thrilled when he found something new to make him angry.
“This logo discriminates against products that come from another country,” the lead protestor said. “As a multi-cultured society, this is a hateful logo from the dark ages that belittles diversity. It has to go.”
A spokesperson for the Australian Made trade mark said goods and services have no race and they certainly don’t mean to offend anybody.
“We’re simply trying to promote Australian products in Australia and markets around the world,” the spokesperson said. “I migrated from Pakistan 6 months ago, have a jewish wife, an adopted homosexual daughter with down syndrome from the Easter Islands, and am the Imam at my local Mosque… so it’s very confusing to have the word ‘redneck’ spray-painted across my house.”
The protestors said they won’t stop exercising their right to have an opinion until they force everybody to have the same opinion as they do.
Dan Murphy’s liquor supermarket is set to open its largest store yet, with plans to open a store over the top of Sydney in its entirety.
The massive building which is being custom built to fit perfectly over the top of Sydney will have aisles and cool rooms that seamlessly incorporate current infrastructure like roads, homes and schools.
A spokesperson from Dan Murphy’s has said opening over the top of Sydney is the logical next step for the business. “People have told us the worst thing about wanting to get blind drunk is having to deal with life sober or tipsy as you drive to one of our stores,” the spokesperson said. “This way people can get hammered the moment the thought of drinking enters their head.”
A government spokesperson for liquor and gaming has called the move lifesaving genius.
“This is the sort of brilliance you’d expect to hear at a TED talk,” the spokesperson said. “The fact that it’s not just being talked about, but happening, is further proof that Sydney businesspeople have some of the biggest heads in the world to think up something this clever.”
Sydney residents are thrilled by the idea. “What a corker,” a Botany local said. “Not being drunk throws a wet blanket over the entire work day. This will ensure I can be in peak form all day, every day.”
“I feel bad drinking when the sun’s up,” one Redfern woman said. “With the store’s roof blocking all natural light, I’ll be able to drink without worry at any time of the day.”
Work on every other project in Sydney has been diverted to building the store, which is set to open over the top of Sydney later this month.
A school zone speed camera in Sydney’s sleepy lower north shore suburb of Lavender Bay has been awarded the New South Wales Police Force Valour Award for distinguished service, receiving a three-week ticker tape parade.
“This brave officer has raised more revenue than everybody else in the force combined,” a NSW police spokesperson said. “This camera is an example that crime pays… and it pays well!”
The officer has been attacked multiple times in its career, and was almost decommissioned in 2015 after vandals beheaded the camera, and locals have expressed their disagreement with the award.
“What a joke,” one Lavender Bay local said. “You’d have to be a mathematician to calculate what speed you’re meant to go in the camera’s location after factoring in the time of day, road works, school holidays and the weather. I once got a fine for simply walking past the camera.”
Lavender Bay police invited The Sydney Sentinel to their clubhouse/station for a lobster sausage sizzle.
“It would be impossible for us to spend all the money this officer raises,” one constable said in an interview conducted from the station’s rooftop hot tub. “Before I could even finish that last sentence, our brave man in the field would have raised another $300,000 – that sort of cash would take any regular officer a whole afternoon of bribe collecting.”
Lavender Bay police have said they will be putting replica speed cameras on every street in North Haven in a display of gratitude for the award-winning officer.
Bubblers have been turned off in schools across Australia and parents have been told not to pack water in their kids’ school bags following a rash of instant yet painful playground deaths attributed to allergic reactions to the world’s second-most popular form of hydration after vodka.
“Children used to have mild allergies to things like peanuts and pet hair, but these days almost all foods, drinks and things in general can cause anaphylactic shock,” a school principal said. “We think it has something to do with children having everything handed to them on a silver platter with diamonds these days.”
Parents of children with water allergies have slammed schools, the government and Mother Nature for not doing enough to protect victims from the “ubiquitous and deadly liquid”.
“From the oceans to the rain to the pipes that pump it right into our homes, water is everywhere and it’s just not good enough,” one mother said, adding that normal everyday tasks had become difficult. “We have to squirt our son with hand sanitiser every morning as his sensitive body would die in a regular shower and he hasn’t been able to consume a drink for seven months while we wait for test results, so he’s extremely thirsty.”
Researchers from the CSIRO have warned parents that children could soon be allergic to non-designer clothes, activities that don’t involve screens, and catching pubic transport to school.