Selfie Gym Opens in Bondi with Just Mirrors

Selfie Gym

Me First gym has opened in Bondi over the weekend providing locals with what the gym says is “none of the unnecessary exercise fads like weights and treadmills” to free up the space for thousands of mirrors covering every single surface for selfies.

“The most important part about exercise is letting everybody on social media know you’re doing it. So we’ve simply cut out the actual exercise part so people can get instant results,” said Me First spokesperson Chloe.

“My personal workout of bending in front of the mirror in tight pants received over 2000 likes on Facebook this morning.”

The gym will have personal trainers available to expertly show new members the best angles, filters and posses for maximum results. The gym also has several props like massive headphones, a yoga mat and a water bottle with water to use on request, should your selfie require it.

One happy member said “I love that there’s plenty of mirrors in the bathroom for my post-workout nose shake,” adding “It gives me the confidence to stroll the beach for the rest of the day acting like I own it.”

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Chinese Tourist Accidentally Wins the Bushman’s Blow Muster

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A tourist from China has taken out first place in the 2017 Bushman’s Blow Muster, after impressing judges as he cleared his nasal passages while walking past the competition in Sydney’s Martin Place today.

The annual competition rates contestants on how well they can perform a “Bushies’ Blow”, which involves evacuating your nasal passage by holding one finger over one nostril then expelling the contents of the other nostril at a staggering rate with one mighty blow. The act is a practical way of cleansing your nose in the absence of suitable catching material such as a tissue, magazine or sleeve ­– ideal for when you’re out in the bush or supermarket.

When performed correctly, a Bushman’s Blow can be propelled several metres with no mucus landing on yourself or remaining around the nostril, all of which is taken into account by the judges of the prestigious contest.

“This international competitor took us all by surprise,” a Bushman’s Blow Muster judge said. “We have true-blue Aussies from all backgrounds competing, but this Chinese national cleared at least 27 metres and his nostrils were bone dry with no snot residue… it shows our homegrown bushmen have a lot to learn.”

The new champion said he “didn’t really deserve the prize”, noting that he is not even the best on his tour group, let alone his hometown.

Opinions from the other competitors were mixed, with several contestants dubbing the win “unfair”.

“He wasn’t even in the flamin’ competition, he just happened to clear his shnoz near the event and the judges gave him a wildcard entry,” one contestant said.

CBD Jogging Hero Claims He’s More Important than Everybody

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A city jogger has exclusively told the Sydney Sentinel and everybody else he barges into that he is far more important than regular pedestrians, and so is his tiny running backpack.

“I’d put my status up there with a footpath cyclist,” said the runner and keen banker. “Even if you’re in the right, you’ll be in the wrong if you get in my way.”

The runner said he and other members of his running club, “The Gravy Train”, had no problem shoulder charging women, children and “retards” who get in their way.

“You better make your way to the other side of the footpath quick smart if you see a group of us elites on a lunchtime power session, Sunny Jim,” he said, sucking back an energy gel before throwing the wrapper on the ground. “You don’t want a combined $746 billion a year to come crashing down on you.”

The runner shoulder charged our reporter, knocking him to the ground, then tisked loudly and ran across the street against the lights, slapping a schoolgirl’s bum as he passed.

Commuters told to tackle people standing side-by-side on escalators

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People who ride side-by-side on elevators, blocking those stuck behind them, can expect to be spear tackled by fellow commuters from today, following new rules announced by City of Sydney officials.

The move comes after years of research from the University of Bankstown discovered that escalator blockers – along with taxi drivers and Lycra cyclists ­– were among the most likely to promote feelings of murder in inconvenienced Sydney-siders.

An NRL spokesperson welcomed the new rules, noting that they were a great way to get people fired up ahead of the new season.

“This is just another example of the kind of important life lessons we can all learn from the world’s greatest sport,” he said.

The pregnant, elderly and others incapable of performing a spear tackle will be given special privileges to simply shoot offenders in the face.

Bernard Tomic to retire from tennis and launch soccer career

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Australian tennis player Bernard Tomic has announced his retirement from the game with plans to launch a soccer career, citing “better pay and a well-established culture of diva antics” as reasons for the move.

The announcement came just hours after Tomic, a Gold Coast local, pulled out of a match in Acapulco due to “unbearable” 27-degree heat.

“People seem to understand and even celebrate when soccer players take a dive, but when I do it, everyone complains,” Tomic said. “Moving to a sport like soccer, where faking injuries and gloating over goals are vital skills, will enable the Australian people to finally recognise me for the sporting legend I am.”

Former Rugby League Player Found Alive at 37

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A 37-year-old former prop who played three games professionally before retiring when medics pronounced him a cripple has been found alive and well in his studio apartment in Penrith, in a discovery that has stunned the rugby league world.

The man credited his survival to an “unusual ability to follow instructions”, noting that after spending months on the “good painkillers” for the mishap that left him crippled, he simply stopped taking them when doctors advised him to do so.

“Everyone I knew was shocked I stop chewing the oxy, let alone using any ‘leagies’ little helpers’ like meth, codeine, LSD, benzos, heroin, MDMA, weed, cocaine, GHB, krokodil, or disco tablets,” he said. “I didn’t even get stuck into the pokies – that one really blows the King Gees off people!”

The former prop said he felt “lucky” to have lived to see his thirties, adding that if he could make it to 40, or even just a few more months, he’d be happier than Joey swinging his jaw on a Monday morning.

NRL to Boost Crowds by Putting Retired Legend on Every Team’s Roster

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Following the positive reaction to Ruben Wiki’s acceptance into the NRL Nines tournament, the National Rugby League board is drafting an emergency change to the 2017 season requiring all clubs to field a retired player in each game.

Players have welcomed the move, with retired star John Hopoate among the first to put his hand up. “I’ve been thumbing around for a few years now without much to do, but if the Seagulls want me, I’ll make a fist of it,” he said.

“Wests have already been in touch,” former Blues warhorse Tommy Raudonikis said between tinnies. “I can’t wait to bring back the biff – these inked-up roid monsters won’t know what’s hit them.”

Another prominent league legend said the move would be as good for him and his peers as it would for the game.

“I can’t wait to gain a few groupies back and hit The Cross after games,” he said. “My wag has become a bit of a sag in recent times. Let’s make league great again.”

Plans to convince veteran players the halftime syringe is simply a vitamin C shot to replace the oranges and beers they used to enjoy are yet to be finalised.