Deadset Legend Brings a Handball to Work

HighBounce

A Sydney man has been labelled an “absolute fucking legend” for bringing his Spalding High-Bounce Handball into work this week.

Both players and spectators said that introducing Australia’s favourite school-ground game into the corporate world was nothing short of trouser shattering.

“It’s up there with putting my pay cheque through the pokies on a Friday lunch break,” one man said. “We’re going to double dump some Ritalin tomorrow to truly relive those magical school years.”

Management has also applauded the game.

“People are not only getting to the office on time, but they’re rocking up three hours early to play the game before work,” one human resource manager said. “Although, one woman lost the top of her fingers unleashing a devastating 800-kay-per-hour skimmer.”

Play is sadly on hold for the rest of the day as the ball was lost after some idiot hit a full into the bushes during a death match.

Advertisements

Sydney Thought to be a Minecraft Simulation

minecraft sydney

Sydney’s never-ending construction projects are proof the city is not real and is likely a giant computer simulation created by a more sophisticated intelligence playing the popular world-building game Minecraft, according to top CSRIO scientists.

“Tearing down the monorail to build a light rail ‘just because’ or moving The Powerhouse Museum out to Parramatta is exactly something a bored Minecraft player would do,” one scientist said. “We’re clearly just a sandbox for some technologically advanced teenager having a bit of fun attempting to create a city in his or her spare time.”

Other scientists agree.

“The worst part about it all is that the being playing the Minecraft simulation is not very good at the game,” a researcher said. “Look at the place, there are cranes and construction going on everywhere and most of it doesn’t make any sense. Like the $38 million Albert ‘Tibby’ Cotter cycle and pedestrian bridge over Anzac Parade that isn’t used by cyclists or pedestrians.”

Sydneysiders are hoping the advanced species playing the game gives up soon or resets the whole thing and starts again.

Committed Yes Voters Change Minds after Seeing “Vote No” Skywriting

voteno

A self-described “rainbow warrior” who proudly tells anyone who’ll listen that she has “a lot of gay friends”, has announced she’ll be voting against same-sex marriage in the postal plebiscite, after being convinced by the “vote no” skywriting in Sydney today.

“No amount of reasoned arguing could change my mind but something about seeing it written in the sky several times really got to me,” she said, adding that the entirety of her aggressive yes-campaign protest group was now in the process of updating signs and chants in preparation for agitating for a “no” vote.

However, a poll has shown that the sky writing stunt, which cost millions of dollars, will make no difference to the outcome of the vote, with an equal number of people who had been planning to vote no reporting that they were now switching to a yes vote because they were “sick of being told what to do”.

Secret to Being Cool Girl Who Eats Like a Man and Looks Like a Model Revealed

girl burger

The secret to being one of those cool girls who eats and drinks like a man but still looks like a Victoria’s Secret model is to only eat when cameras or people you want to impress are around, a blogger has revealed in a tell-all post.

Chloe, a model/blogger who shot to fame after becoming one of the first door bitches hired to maintain beauty standards on the Bondi to Coogee walk, said she was revealing her diet tips as a public service for “all those poor girls who just don’t understand how important it is to not only look amazing, but also to come across as someone who doesn’t even try”.

“Start by sinking a few beers with the boys while your girlfriends all sip vodka sodas, then be the first to finish a huge late-night kebab or greasy burger and chips, say how hungry you still are and casually slip in a comment about how you never go to the gym,” Chloe advises her followers. “After that, you just need to ensure you don’t eat again until the next group outing or Instagram opportunity – it’s that easy.”

To maintain your weight and image during busier socialising periods, such as the festive season, Chloe recommended switching from booze to cocaine in order to have “a valid Cool Girl excuse for not drinking or eating”.

Local Man Butchers Unexpected Tricky Words while Reading Children’s Book Out Loud

reading

A Sydney man has had his self-confidence shattered after discovering he couldn’t pronounce about 50 words in a children’s picture book he was reading aloud at his girlfriend’s family gathering.

After bombing a dozen or so challenging words, the man said he simply began replacing them with something easier or skipped the stumpers completely.

“I thought I’d get some bonus points with my girlfriend for reading the kid’s a book, but it backfired big time, with one dodgy-looking uncle asking if I was retarded and some four-year-old genius encouraging me to try sounding the big words out,” he said.

The man is not alone, according to the Reading Writing Hotline, which receives hundreds of calls from distressed aunties, uncles and other folks who take an L when attempting to read a picture book to children at a social gathering.

“Most young adults haven’t read anything more than the odd TAB guide since leaving school,” a spokesperson for the Reading Writing Hotline said. “We recommend they stick to more practical ways of impressing kids, like starting a game of cricket or getting blind drunk.”

Sydney Man’s Arms Torn Off as he Refuses to use Trolley for Big Shop

BASKET

A Sydney man has lost both his arms after they were torn clean from his shoulders in his local supermarket when he refused to use a trolley for a larger-than-usual shop.

The man said he knew he was testing gravity when he added a two-litre bottle of chocolate milk to his already-heavy basket, but insisted that losing his arms was a small price to pay to protect his trendy supermarket image.

“Basket users have the highest street cred in the supermarket, that’s a fact,” the man said. “If I switch to a trolley I’m basically telling everyone I’ve given up on life and will be spending my evenings smashing frozen pizzas and Neapolitan ice cream.”

This isn’t the first time a shopper has lost his arms after refusing to use a trolley for a large shop, a supermarket spokesperson said.

“It’s opened up a whole new business for us selling prosthetic arms,” she said. “We couldn’t be happier.”

Mystery Surrounds Phone that Dies when Owner Asked to Share Uber

UBER PHONE

A Sydney man’s phone consistently runs out of battery the exact moment an Uber needs to be booked on a night out, a special investigation into the matter has been told.

Friends said they raised the alarm after the man reported his phone’s mysterious behaviour for the ninth weekend in a row.

“He always seems to have a hard time retrieving his phone from his pocket when someone suggests we catch an Uber, which is odd because he’s the quickest draw in the Inner West when a Tinder notification comes through,” one friend said. “Then, when he does finally get his phone out to book an Uber, it’s always dead.”

Another friend has confirmed the story, adding that the man always promises to buy the person paying for the ride a drink.

“The drink never comes,” another friend of the man said. “But when we get to the pub, his phone always miraculously comes back to life until it’s time to share an Uber home.”