Sydney Man’s Arms Torn Off as he Refuses to use Trolley for Big Shop

BASKET

A Sydney man has lost both his arms after they were torn clean from his shoulders in his local supermarket when he refused to use a trolley for a larger-than-usual shop.

The man said he knew he was testing gravity when he added a two-litre bottle of chocolate milk to his already-heavy basket, but insisted that losing his arms was a small price to pay to protect his trendy supermarket image.

“Basket users have the highest street cred in the supermarket, that’s a fact,” the man said. “If I switch to a trolley I’m basically telling everyone I’ve given up on life and will be spending my evenings smashing frozen pizzas and Neapolitan ice cream.”

This isn’t the first time a shopper has lost his arms after refusing to use a trolley for a large shop, a supermarket spokesperson said.

“It’s opened up a whole new business for us selling prosthetic arms,” she said. “We couldn’t be happier.”

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Mystery Surrounds Phone that Dies when Owner Asked to Share Uber

UBER PHONE

A Sydney man’s phone consistently runs out of battery the exact moment an Uber needs to be booked on a night out, a special investigation into the matter has been told.

Friends said they raised the alarm after the man reported his phone’s mysterious behaviour for the ninth weekend in a row.

“He always seems to have a hard time retrieving his phone from his pocket when someone suggests we catch an Uber, which is odd because he’s the quickest draw in the Inner West when a Tinder notification comes through,” one friend said. “Then, when he does finally get his phone out to book an Uber, it’s always dead.”

Another friend has confirmed the story, adding that the man always promises to buy the person paying for the ride a drink.

“The drink never comes,” another friend of the man said. “But when we get to the pub, his phone always miraculously comes back to life until it’s time to share an Uber home.”

Rich People Admit No One Really Enjoys Skiing, Foie Gras and Diamonds

SKI

The only good thing about sliding down an icy hill, eating strange animal parts and paying thousands for worthless rocks is that other people can’t afford to, some of Australia’s wealthiest people have admitted.

“Going to the beach is obviously a lot more fun than skiing, but anyone can afford to do that,” one rich kid said in an interview from his parent’s ski chalet. “I thought this charade was something everyone was in on – I mean, exclusivity is the only logical reason anyone would choose to eat fattened duck liver or fish eggs over a sausage roll in a roll with sauce.”

Another rich kid said she was ditching all pretence of subtlety because responsibilities such as Instagramming photos of her business class ticket besides a strategically placed glass of Champagne from the Qantas lounge was becoming a full-time job.

“I’ve stopped buying expensive jewellery and perfumes and simply started pinning money to my designer outfits,” she said. “Poor people can’t tell the difference between designer and Target anyway, so this way they can easily identify me as #blessed.”

Other rich people have told The Sydney Sentinel that they also have decided to be more obvious about their superiority by leaving their ATM receipts in the machine for the next person to marvel at.

Sydney Man Plans 10th Career Change this Month

Career cahnge

A Sydney man is busy planning his 10th career change this month in an effort to find a job that fulfills him. The man, who has worked in 190 different industries since last year, said none of his jobs have been as rewarding as being on the dole or begging on the streets.

“I don’t want a job that feels like work,” the man said. “If I have to spend eight hours in the office doing an hour of work every day, I want to be able to enjoy what I do.”

The man is not alone in his hunt to find a rewarding job.

“We haven’t been able to nominate an employee of the month for two years since nobody has stayed with us for an entire month,” a spokesperson for a major Sydney retailer said. “Young people need to understand that work is horrible and simply learn to use alcohol, opiates, benzos, and hallucinogens as coping mechanisms like the rest of us.”

The comments come as a report revealed an alarming number of Sydney-siders are using a loophole to skip the workforce completely by becoming lifelong students and living with their parents forever.

The Bachelor Labelled Sexist for Having Only Female Contestants

Bach

Men’s groups have labelled Channel Ten’s The Bachelor as sexist for not including a single male in its line-up of 21 contestants competing for bachelor Matty J’s heart.

The group has said there’s no job a man can’t do except the ones they don’t want to do.

“It’s our choice to ignore some female tasks like cooking, vacuuming and laundry,” a men’s group spokesperson said.“However, this show doesn’t even give us a chance to have a go.”

One man who applied to be a contestant on the show said he was never even contacted.

“The real loser in this situation is Matty J,” the man said. “I can skol a schooner of rum, put an entire pay cheque through the pokies in a single afternoon and play Mario Kart like a demon – stuff men are actually attracted to, and I reckon only half the chosen contestants could do all that stuff.”

Man Forgets He’s not at Work and Pisses All Over Home Toilet

piss

A Sydney man this morning has had an embarrassing blunder after he pissed all over his home toilet seat, floor, hand towel, roof, vanity mirror and a bit out the window after forgetting he wasn’t at work.

“I was on autopilot ­– or maybe it was auto fire,” the man said. “I simply forgot where I was and proceeded to make an absolute mockery of my home toilet as if I was at work. It was lucky I didn’t go all out and unleash an upper decker on myself.”

The woman the man brought home the night before said she wouldn’t be returning.

“I thought he was having a shower by the sound of it all,” she said. “But instead of a towel and a fresh coat of deodorant, the man returned to the bedroom with urine-beaded track pants and a dripping chin. It was time to call the morning a night and leave.”

The gentleman has told the Sydney Sentinel that he’ll be closing the bathroom door and using the toilet at the servo for the weekend while things “naturally dry out, hopefully”.

Sydney Office Introduces “Casual Racism Friday” in Bid to Stamp Out Everyday Racism

casual racism

Inspired by the success of casual Friday office-wear policies, a Sydney business has introduced a designated day for casual racism in an attempt to discourage flagrant racism throughout the rest of the week.

“Just as the real point of casual Friday is to deter people from wearing anything but the most uncomfortable corporate clothing Monday to Thursday, casual racism Friday gives everyone a chance to get it out of their system within a controlled environment,” a company spokesperson said. “Now people can end the week speaking freely while wearing their ironed jeans, best casual button-down shirts and polished loafers.”

Equal opportunity advocates have welcomed the move.

“It’s fantastic to be able to use the N, W, G, C, S, T and FFWCGBTWYCF words whenever they pop in your head,” a spokesperson said. “It’s kind of like a sneeze – trying to hold it in for too long will cause death. So, it’s wonderful to allow people to relieve themselves in a safe, racism-welcome space come Friday.”

Staff at the Sydney office have said that hearing everyone unleash their pent-up casual racism was jarring at first, but that it now feels natural and, most importantly, honest.

“One gentleman called me a poof this morning. I don’t think that’s technically racism, but I accepted it in the spirit of the day and cheerfully called him a b**** c***,” one staff member said.

“I’m colour-blind so it’s extra tricky for me,” another staff member said. “I keep mixing up my terrorists with my rednecks. But no one seems to mind, so long as I’m having a go.”