Local buys girlfriend new couch so he still has a good place to sleep when he’s in the doghouse

A local man has thoughtfully bought his girlfriend a stunning new couch.

While this has been received positively in the household as a benevolent move, locals familiar with the man feel he’s up to his old tricks.

“That clever scallywag,” a rugby teammate said.

“Knowing that he’s sentenced to the couch most evenings, he may as well ensure the couch has all the modern comforts.”

“I tend to get a bit dodgy on the grog-bottles if I’m being honest,” the man said.

“There’s actually a running joke with my friends when we go on a bender (Ed: Tuesday trivia), being ‘who’s gonna be in the doghouse tomorrow’? This is now funny to everybody except me”.

The man’s main squeeze has ignored the rumours regarding his alternate motives for buying such a comfortable sofa.

So it’s smiles-all-round as the couple enjoy the latest episodes of Storage Wars and enjoy Uber Eats on their new Companion Couch.

Amazingly – the man hasn’t been sent back to the doghouse after truthfully revealing what he paid for the new couch.

<Article written to give you a laugh, and get you into a better couch thanks to my (non -made-up) pals at Companion Couch.>

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Sydney event with 1920 theme a lifesaver for homesick Adelaidians.

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A Sydney entrepreneur/influencer/stay-at-home-model who currently specialises in creating premium events – that are actually premium – has struck “Farmer’s Union Iced Coffee” (known as gold in other states) with Adelaide natives tonight, after promoting her latest event as “a step back in time to the 1920s”.

“The event sold out in an Adelaide minute,” the organiser/owner/blogger said. “Which translates to about a week using Australian Eastern Standard Time.”

Her surprise at Sydney’s desire for a 1920s event soon made sense after receiving thousands of letters in her mailbox, and one or two emails, from Adelaide ex-pats praising the event for making them finally feel at home in their new city, if only for one night.

“There have been some odd questions”, the promoter said. “From, ‘will there be a life-save replica of Malls Balls’, ‘will one of the courses be Fritz’ to asking if ‘The Piping Shrike will make an appearance.”

The organiser both excited Sydney residents that the event will focus on the glamour of the 1920s, while disappointing Adelaide Australians that they will be serving ‘espresso’ instead of ‘expresso’.”

Despite the mix-up between guests, the exclusive evening will be “at least 800 times more VIP than a Sydney VIP lounge,” and Epic Events promises it will continue to make Australia late (or at least, fun) again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sydney Sentinel Writer Suffers No-life Crisis

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A writer for Australia’s most credible news site, the Sydney Sentinel, has spent the past three months in bed suffering a no-life crisis, according to this article.

A no-life crisis is similar to a mid-life crisis but experienced by people who have achieved nothing in life, explained one expert, who described the condition as “a growing concern among millennials”.

Commonly prescribed depression cures, such as advice from friends to “just snap out of it” or “harden up, you poof”, were surprisingly ineffective, the writer said, adding that he wasted a lot of time in the early stages of his no-life crises seeking help in the wrong places.

“At first, I was upset to learn the suicide hotline wasn’t a handy ‘how to’ service, but instead offered ‘how not to’ advice,” he said. “But in the end, they helped me find an ongoing solution rather than a permanent one.”

By following a strict diet of prescribed pills and bothering a phycologist once a week, the writer believes he may be able to force himself to write an article occasionally, a 40 per cent improvement on the months when he was unable to leave bed to shower, a time he described as “strangely unenjoyable”.

“Spending three months in bed with no job, ambitions or human contact probably sounds like paradise to most people, but my brain just wouldn’t let me enjoy these simple pleasures,” he said. “Now I’m just trying to achieve a little more each day, which will be a challenge today, as yesterday I ate leftover Chinese on toast for breakfast and watched all the Rocky films.”

Being as Weird as Possible Not the Same as Being Creative, Study Finds

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Creating random, collage-style film clips using every technique learned at art school does not make you a creative genius, a new study has found.

The CSIRO study, conducted by a brave scientist who agreed to endure a marathon A Clockwork Orange-style viewing of Rage, found that being strange for the sake of being strange and a misunderstanding of what it means to be ironic were endemic issues.

“It was a horror show of senseless imagery, grotesque pastiches and blatant rip-offs, all presented with a faux-ironic wink,” he said. “I failed to identify a single memorable tune, charismatic frontman or epic guitar riff.”

The study comes as a timely reminder that wearing a 1980s-style pastel suit paired with a tea cosy as a hat is more likely to be a desperate cry for attention than a sign of individuality.

Deadset Legend Brings a Handball to Work

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A Sydney man has been labelled an “absolute fucking legend” for bringing his Spalding High-Bounce Handball into work this week.

Both players and spectators said that introducing Australia’s favourite school-ground game into the corporate world was nothing short of trouser shattering.

“It’s up there with putting my pay cheque through the pokies on a Friday lunch break,” one man said. “We’re going to double dump some Ritalin tomorrow to truly relive those magical school years.”

Management has also applauded the game.

“People are not only getting to the office on time, but they’re rocking up three hours early to play the game before work,” one human resource manager said. “Although, one woman lost the top of her fingers unleashing a devastating 800-kay-per-hour skimmer.”

Play is sadly on hold for the rest of the day as the ball was lost after some idiot hit a full into the bushes during a death match.

Sydney Thought to be a Minecraft Simulation

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Sydney’s never-ending construction projects are proof the city is not real and is likely a giant computer simulation created by a more sophisticated intelligence playing the popular world-building game Minecraft, according to top CSRIO scientists.

“Tearing down the monorail to build a light rail ‘just because’ or moving The Powerhouse Museum out to Parramatta is exactly something a bored Minecraft player would do,” one scientist said. “We’re clearly just a sandbox for some technologically advanced teenager having a bit of fun attempting to create a city in his or her spare time.”

Other scientists agree.

“The worst part about it all is that the being playing the Minecraft simulation is not very good at the game,” a researcher said. “Look at the place, there are cranes and construction going on everywhere and most of it doesn’t make any sense. Like the $38 million Albert ‘Tibby’ Cotter cycle and pedestrian bridge over Anzac Parade that isn’t used by cyclists or pedestrians.”

Sydneysiders are hoping the advanced species playing the game gives up soon or resets the whole thing and starts again.

Committed Yes Voters Change Minds after Seeing “Vote No” Skywriting

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A self-described “rainbow warrior” who proudly tells anyone who’ll listen that she has “a lot of gay friends”, has announced she’ll be voting against same-sex marriage in the postal plebiscite, after being convinced by the “vote no” skywriting in Sydney today.

“No amount of reasoned arguing could change my mind but something about seeing it written in the sky several times really got to me,” she said, adding that the entirety of her aggressive yes-campaign protest group was now in the process of updating signs and chants in preparation for agitating for a “no” vote.

However, a poll has shown that the sky writing stunt, which cost millions of dollars, will make no difference to the outcome of the vote, with an equal number of people who had been planning to vote no reporting that they were now switching to a yes vote because they were “sick of being told what to do”.