Man Finishes Movie Snacks Before Movie Starts

movies

A Sydney movie goer who purchased a jumbo popcorn and Coke to enjoy throughout his Thursday night flick has managed to demolish all his treats during the trailers.

To make matters worse, the man said this was not the first time it’s happened.

“Last time I floored all my snacks before even making it to my seat, so this was a slight improvement,” the man said. “However, with ads and trailers pushing 90 minutes these days, I feel like I never had a chance to begin with.”

The man confirmed that after dropping $430 on tickets and snacks, he wasn’t in a financial position to get a choc-top reinforcement to see him into the actual movie.

His Facebook suggestion to show the trailers after the movie was met with a firm “no” from cinemas.

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Professional Wrestling Proven to be Real Sport

wrestling

Professional wrestling, once thought to be a kind of performance art combining athletics with theatrics, is a real sport, a bullet-proof CSIRO report has confirmed.

Sydney wrestler Ben Hurt said he was surprised by the report’s findings, but only because he hadn’t realised people thought what he did for a living was fake.

“This sure helps explain a few things,” he said. “I nearly ended it all after the crowd cheered for my then-best friend when he beat me half to death with a chair and then announced he was sleeping with my wife.”

Local wrestler Big Potato agreed that the assumptions behind the report were the most surprising thing about it.

“I can’t believe people thought wrestling had predetermined outcomes like boxing,” he said. “Hopefully this will bring in more crowds so some of us, like The Undertaker, The Repo Man and Doink the Clown won’t have to work second jobs to make ends meet.”

There is now a push to have professional wrestling in the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games.

Man Puts Air Conditioners on Full Blast 24/7 to Help Combat Global Warming

AC man

A Sydney man has declared war on global warming by putting his home, office and car air conditioners on full blast and promising to leave them on high for the entirety of spring and summer.

“Mother Nature is clearly dropping the ball with keeping the weather under control, so it’s up to us humans to fix things,” he said, adding that he was spurred into action after an unusually hot start to spring.

“From leaving the fridge doors open in the servo to wearing my hat backwards and chilling out instead of going to work and getting all hot under the collar, I’ve been doing everything I can to keep things cool, but I can’t do it alone. So, if it’s hot outside, chuck on your bloody air conditioner and crack open all the windows. It’s not rocket surgery.”

The man added that he will even be switching to cooling menthol cigarettes.

SSM Postal Vote Blows Out to $250m as Government Mails out Sausage Sandwiches

Snag

The cost of the same-sex marriage postal vote, which was originally estimated to cost tax payers $122m, has more than doubled to $250m, after the government decided to throw a postal sausage sizzle into the mix.

“We realised that the vote wouldn’t be legally binding in Australia without a sausage sizzle,” a government spokesperson said. “So, we will be sending every person enrolled to vote a snag folded inside buttered white bread with sauce and onions.”

The move has been welcomed despite the cost, with many noting that a sausage sanga is usually the only good that comes of voting.

“This is the least they could do to thank the public for making a decision they too scared to make in parliament,” one voter said. “Although, knowing Australia Post, I bet my snag will be colder than a witch’s tit.”

No More Long Hikes with Tight-arse Mates Trying to Avoid ATM Fees

ATMs

Huge expeditions with tight-arse mates to find their bank’s ATM are set to become a thing of the past, with Australia’s big four banks all ditching ATM fees today.

“This will allow the boys to stay in the same beer garden for an entire afternoon,” one man said. “My tight-arse mates only ever get $20 from the ATM and it’s obvious to anyone who knows basic beer maths that it doesn’t make sense to pay a $2-plus fee for that withdrawal, so we always have to pull up stumps and move on after every round. This destroys all momentum for anyone who’s had some luck with a bird.”

However, experts have warned that of unexpected consequences, with obesity rates set to balloon.

“I’m not sure how I’m going to stay fit any more,” one friend of a tight-arse said. “A walk to another suburb or state to find a fee-less ATM between pubs always helped burn off a schoon or two.”

To make up for lost profits, the big four banks plan to charge a $90 fee for logging onto internet banking.

Committed Yes Voters Change Minds after Seeing “Vote No” Skywriting

voteno

A self-described “rainbow warrior” who proudly tells anyone who’ll listen that she has “a lot of gay friends”, has announced she’ll be voting against same-sex marriage in the postal plebiscite, after being convinced by the “vote no” skywriting in Sydney today.

“No amount of reasoned arguing could change my mind but something about seeing it written in the sky several times really got to me,” she said, adding that the entirety of her aggressive yes-campaign protest group was now in the process of updating signs and chants in preparation for agitating for a “no” vote.

However, a poll has shown that the sky writing stunt, which cost millions of dollars, will make no difference to the outcome of the vote, with an equal number of people who had been planning to vote no reporting that they were now switching to a yes vote because they were “sick of being told what to do”.

Sports Just an Excuse for Aussie Men to Cry, Fans Admit

sports cry

Australia’s obsession with sports may have a direct correlation to social norms discouraging men from crying, according to a new study that found many men considered seeing their team win or lose a game as the only acceptable time to leak from the eyes.

“I haven’t cried since Optimus Prime died in the ’86 Transformers movie, so it was a huge relief when I discovered the real reason men watch sports,” one self-described footy fanatic said. “Luckily, I support the Rabbitohs, so there have been plenty of opportunities for me to have a proper cry this season.”

The study also found that “an excuse to get smashed” and “an excuse to yell in public” also rated highly on the list of reasons for watching sports, with many of those surveyed pointing out the “obviousness” of these motivations.

“Why else would anyone watch sports? I mean, take away the drinking, yelling and crying, and football is pretty boring,” one man said. “The Bachelor is heaps more entertaining.”