Dan Murphy’s set to Open Over the top of Sydney

Dan Murphy

Dan Murphy’s liquor supermarket is set to open its largest store yet, with plans to open a store over the top of Sydney in its entirety.

The massive building which is being custom built to fit perfectly over the top of Sydney will have aisles and cool rooms that seamlessly incorporate current infrastructure like roads, homes and schools.

A spokesperson from Dan Murphy’s has said opening over the top of Sydney is the logical next step for the business. “People have told us the worst thing about wanting to get blind drunk is having to deal with life sober or tipsy as you drive to one of our stores,” the spokesperson said. “This way people can get hammered the moment the thought of drinking enters their head.”

A government spokesperson for liquor and gaming has called the move lifesaving genius.

“This is the sort of brilliance you’d expect to hear at a TED talk,” the spokesperson said. “The fact that it’s not just being talked about, but happening, is further proof that Sydney businesspeople have some of the biggest heads in the world to think up something this clever.”

Sydney residents are thrilled by the idea. “What a corker,” a Botany local said. “Not being drunk throws a wet blanket over the entire work day. This will ensure I can be in peak form all day, every day.”

“I feel bad drinking when the sun’s up,” one Redfern woman said. “With the store’s roof blocking all natural light, I’ll be able to drink without worry at any time of the day.”

Work on every other project in Sydney has been diverted to building the store, which is set to open over the top of Sydney later this month.

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Speed Camera in School Zone Awarded Highest Police Honour

SPEED CAM

A school zone speed camera in Sydney’s sleepy lower north shore suburb of Lavender Bay has been awarded the New South Wales Police Force Valour Award for distinguished service, receiving a three-week ticker tape parade.

“This brave officer has raised more revenue than everybody else in the force combined,” a NSW police spokesperson said. “This camera is an example that crime pays… and it pays well!”

The officer has been attacked multiple times in its career, and was almost decommissioned in 2015 after vandals beheaded the camera, and locals have expressed their disagreement with the award.

“What a joke,” one Lavender Bay local said. “You’d have to be a mathematician to calculate what speed you’re meant to go in the camera’s location after factoring in the time of day, road works, school holidays and the weather. I once got a fine for simply walking past the camera.”

Lavender Bay police invited The Sydney Sentinel to their clubhouse/station for a lobster sausage sizzle.

“It would be impossible for us to spend all the money this officer raises,” one constable said in an interview conducted from the station’s rooftop hot tub. “Before I could even finish that last sentence, our brave man in the field would have raised another $300,000 – that sort of cash would take any regular officer a whole afternoon of bribe collecting.”

Lavender Bay police have said they will be putting replica speed cameras on every street in North Haven in a display of gratitude for the award-winning officer.

Kids Now Allergic to Water

Bubbler

Bubblers have been turned off in schools across Australia and parents have been told not to pack water in their kids’ school bags following a rash of instant yet painful playground deaths attributed to allergic reactions to the world’s second-most popular form of hydration after vodka.

“Children used to have mild allergies to things like peanuts and pet hair, but these days almost all foods, drinks and things in general can cause anaphylactic shock,” a school principal said. “We think it has something to do with children having everything handed to them on a silver platter with diamonds these days.”

Parents of children with water allergies have slammed schools, the government and Mother Nature for not doing enough to protect victims from the “ubiquitous and deadly liquid”.

“From the oceans to the rain to the pipes that pump it right into our homes, water is everywhere and it’s just not good enough,” one mother said, adding that normal everyday tasks had become difficult. “We have to squirt our son with hand sanitiser every morning as his sensitive body would die in a regular shower and he hasn’t been able to consume a drink for seven months while we wait for test results, so he’s extremely thirsty.”

Researchers from the CSIRO have warned parents that children could soon be allergic to non-designer clothes, activities that don’t involve screens, and catching pubic transport to school.

“Useless” $50 Note to be Phased Out in Sydney

50 note

Sydney is set to phase out the humble $50 note over the next few months after widespread complaints that the denomination lovingly known as a “pineapple” is not worth enough to purchase anything in Sydney.

Sydney isn’t the first city to consider canning the $50 note, according to The Royal Australian Mint.

“Perth had the same problem during the mining boom, when a builder’s tea, which consists of an English breakfast teabag, milk and nine sugars, would cost up to $700,” a spokesperson said. “However, our data tells us things will only get more expensive in Sydney and it’s time to recall the fifties, add a zero and reissue them as $500 notes.”

Frustrated small-business owners agree the $50 note needs to go. “If diners want to use cash, they need a whole wheelbarrow full of fifties to pay the bill, and up to seven wheelbarrows if they want smashed avo,” one café owner said.

While $50 notes are being recalled and repurposed, the government has urged people to simply discard “irredeemable” smaller denominations, with fire pits being dug in key locations across the city’s southwest.

Sydney Man Sues Employer for Unfair Un-dismissal

OFFICE

A Sydney man has told The Sydney Sentinel today that he will be suing his workplace for unfair un-dismissal after his boss forced him to stay in the office and do work on Friday afternoon, instead of dismissing him to the local watering hole to down schooners of Baileys, have a slap and hit on the barmaid.

“It’s just not Australian,” said the office worker at the centre of it all. “Everybody knows the working week finishes at Friday 12PM to give us battlers a chance to obliterate ourselves before facing the wife, mistress and kids.”

A union spokesperson has expressed his outrage. “His boss should be hung from his necktie for a few hours,” said the spokesperson. “I’d even argue that the working week finishes at 5PM Thursday, with Friday being a day of recovery and retox… so this poor bloke deserves every million he gets.”

The hospital where the man works as a brain surgeon has acknowledged the bungle.

“To attempt to make up for this PR nightmare, we will be introducing a medical marijuana trolley each Friday at 12PM for all our staff.”

Sydney Taxis Introduce Card-skimming-insurance Fee

taxi driver

Sydney taxis have announced a new fee today for those who want to safeguard their credit card from being skimmed by their taxi driver.

“After a yearlong study, we found the thing people hate most about taxis is getting their card skimmed by the driver,” a NSW transport spokesperson said. “This way, passengers can simply pay a small optional fee and the driver will promise not to use one of his dodgy card readers and skim their card.”

The new fee – which will add an extra 25 per cent onto a passenger’s total fare or $200, whichever is higher – is the latest addition to a raft of charges commonly added to taxi fares, including fees for booking, flag fall, peak times, toll roads, late nights, early mornings, short distances, long distances, credit and debit cards and the carbon tax.

Taxi drivers are threatening to stage a protest against the new fee, saying it will make life harder for everyone involved.

“We’re losing too much money to Uber already, so I’m scared that if we don’t skim cards I’m not going to be able to put a new plasma TV on the table for the family,” one Sydney driver said. “Plus, with more than 200 machines in my cab, I’ve forgotten which ones are the real deal and which ones are card skimmers. This is just going to cause more delay for passengers wanting to get on with their day.”

Passengers have said there’s no way they’d ever get in a cab again, so the fee doesn’t really matter either way.

iPhones Flat Out Lying About Having 30% Battery Left

PHONE

iPhones everywhere have been caught lying to their owners about how much battery charge they have, with many users being left with a dead smartphone within minutes of the battery measurement appearing as 30%, which has led to several people being hospitalised with social media withdrawal.

An Apple spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that Siri is to blame, and that the artificial intelligence finds it funny to leave users stuck without a phone on a night out, when trying to form an opinion, or when cheating in pub trivia.

“I had to put off going to the toilet for six hours as my iPhone died mid-afternoon,” one victim said. “There was no way I was going into the stall without reading material, so I had to attempt to hold it in until I got home from work. I ended up making an executive decision to simply relieve myself at my cubical to be safe.”

Siri has already been under investigation since an incident last year that saw many government officials left stranded in the Canberra suburb of Fishwick for days on end without being able to contact their wives, with some opting to wait out the situation in a Thai Massage Parlour until they were rescued or their tax-payer-funded credit card ran dry.

“After watching the documentary The Terminator, we’re not mucking about with this sort of thing,” a government spokesperson said. “When artificial intelligence lies more than we do in Canberra, you know we have a very serious problem.”