Malcolm Turnbull Fired for Being Unable to Name a Single AC/DC Song

ACDC

Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull was sent to a detention centre on Manus Island overnight after he was unable to name a single song when asked to nominate a favourite track by iconic rock band AC/DC in an interview following the death of founding guitarist Malcolm Young.

Former NSW Premier Mike Baird, who cited “Dirty deeds done dirt cheap” as the song that inspired his career, was quick to put his hand up for the top role.

“I retired from politics to help members of my family through serious illness six months ago but everyone’s fine now,” he said. “It’s amazing what $887,000 can do for your health.”

Baird has already launched his election campaign, promising to get the greyhound racing industry “back in [the] black” and everything else in the country “on the highway to hell” in record time.

Turnbull issued a statement saying that he could reel off the name of every piece ever written by Mozart, Beethoven and Bach “like every other regular Aussie bloke” and shouldn’t be punished for this one small lapse in cultural knowledge.

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Unsmashed Avo Tipped to be Sydney’s Next Big Food Trend

NonSmashedAvo

A Bondi café has been awarded five chef’s hats and hailed as “fucking genius” for serving customers whole, unpeeled avocados on toast, a bold departure from smashed avo, which dominated global headlines throughout the year.

The chef said the new creation “aligns beautifully” with his philosophy of making whole foods whole again.

“Smashed avo was really just part of that ridiculous ‘deconstructed food’ trend, which is so 2017,” he said. “We wanted to ditch the fads and get back to basics for 2018. Our food is so wholesomely whole we don’t even peel off the little sticker that comes naturally from the tree.”

Sunday brunch fans have been lining up for the dish since 4am Wednesday morning, with many saying they’re willing to spend all the deposit their parents gave them for their first home on this culinary marvel.

Man Pulls Out at $290 on the Pokies to Avoid Compulsory Nose Bag Shout

SpringCarnival

A Sydney man enjoying a purple patch on the sentimental favourite pokie he grew up with, Spring Carnival, decided to call it quits and cash out at $290 so his spectating pals didn’t enforce the compulsory rule of shouting everyone a nose bag if your winnings exceed $300.

The man said hitting collect was one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do, as he was certain things were far from finished on the race track.

“Winning more than $300 when your mates are watching is basically a loss,” the man said. “So instead of shouting a bag, I grabbed everyone a schooner of rum or two, then snuck off to look for the only sort of bags I’m interested in – the bookie bags belonging to W.Winbig.”

The man ended up returning all his winnings, credit card cash advances, and a Nimble loan to Spring Carnival. He will be not be seen for the rest of the weekend and will be taking his lunch to work every day next week.

Immaculately Manicured Woman has no Time to Exercise

Fatto

A Sydney woman known for her elaborate hair styles, make-up, nail art and clothing has defended her obese status, explaining that she simply has “no time for exercise”.

“I put a lot of time and money into my appearance, but you can’t do everything and exercise is hard,” she said. “I’m not saying all the self-maintenance I do is easy, but at least I can do most of it sitting down.”

The woman admitted to spending an average of four hours and $1,000 a day maintaining her looks, ignoring advice from doctors who have suggested she could achieve a 2,000 per cent increase in attractiveness by simply eating some vegetables and going for short daily walks.

“Doctors are unhealthily fat-shaming people,” the woman said. “Men are so dazzled by my beautiful hair, nails, clothes and make-up they don’t notice that I have six chins and my belly rolls have belly rolls.”

Man Who Refused To Marry Until Gay People Could Pretty Worried Right Now

ExcuseMaster

A Sydney man who told his girlfriend of seven years he wouldn’t marry her until gay people enjoyed equal rights is desperately searching for a back-up plan after polls suggested the yes vote is likely to win.

“It was the perfect excuse – it was simple, it worked, and it made me look like I had morals or something,” the man said. “But it looks like my get-out-of-jail-free card will be torn up when the vote is announced on Wednesday. My girlfriend’s even dropping hints saying what a great day it would be for all couples to propose. Unfortunately, it might be time for me to hit the road.”

The man is not alone, with one woman telling The Sydney Sentinel she had to vote no to protect her own freedom from marriage.

“Yeah, I used the whole ‘not until everyone can get married’ line as well,” she said. “Even though I do support gay marriage, I don’t support having to get married myself, so it’s a no from me.”

Man had “Nothing to Wear” on Run this Morning

RunPestTwo

A Clovelly man is in danger of missing his daily run along the coastal path to Bondi this morning after realising he had “nothing to wear”, even though his closet was packed full of designer workout gear, joggers made by NASA and colour-coordinated drink bottles.

The man said he “just wasn’t feeling” any of his outfits.

“Nothing truly expressed my positively carefree yet dangerously focused running mood or went well with this morning’s lighting conditions,” the man said. “Naturally, everyone would be watching me, so I couldn’t just chuck any old thing on. One unflattering Aquabumps snap could set me back years of dedicated training.”

The man said if his emergency order from The Iconic doesn’t arrive, he will make up for today’s lack of training by spending an extra hour in the solarium and taking twice as many photos at Icebergs this afternoon than usual.

Whoops! Healthy Harold Didn’t Warn Kids About Ice as he “Didn’t Think it Was That Good”

PoorKids

Healthy Harold has copped an unadulterated roasting today after admitting he didn’t bother warning 1990s and ’00s kids about ice because he never enjoyed it that much, so he thought it wouldn’t catch on.

This isn’t the first time Harold’s underestimated a drug – he was famously transformed into an enormous giraffe puppet after drinking bong water at a school fete – yet with more than 92 per cent of Australians addicted to ice, it’s certainly his biggest goof.

“Mate, to tell you the truth, I didn’t think it was that strong a high,” Harold said. “The frisbee-sized pingers you could get on the rave scene at the time were where it was at. You needed to sit down and eat them with a knife and fork.”

Harold said that if he’s fired over the blunder, he’s cooked up a few ideas about things he can do with the van.