Man Who Bought Distant Relative Instant Scratchie Hoping he Doesn’t Win

SCRATCH STRESS

A Sydney man who thoughtlessly stuffed a few scratchies into a birthday card to give to a distant relative during Christmas lunch is now really hoping the recipient doesn’t win anything more than $2.

“I’d be fucking spewing if he wins anything good,” the man said. “To think all that cash could’ve been mine, but I gave it away to some bloke I don’t even like. I’m feeling a blood clot forming in my brain from all the worry.”

The man is not alone in feeling the stress of seeing someone he barely cares about win big off a scratchie that could’ve been his.

“I had Christmas spoiled completely one year when my lazy Secret Santa gift resulted in a $10,000 win for the giftee,” one woman said. “And to make things worse, the winner was willing to share, but I simply couldn’t break the sacred bond of secrecy that makes Secret Santa the great tradition it is.”

Insisting her mistake need not be repeated, she recommends the man at the centre of the anxiety storm rips open the envelope and scratches the scratchies himself ‘“just in case”, and gets the distant relative a truckie’s two-piece feed consisting of a pie and a porno from the servo instead.

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Australia Post Claims Wrongly Delivered Mail Result of Nationwide Secret Santa Program

AusPostXmas

Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.

“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”

The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.

“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”

Swimmer Skips Laps to Stroll the Changeroom with his Knob Hanging Out

Swimmer

A local swimmer today decided to skip his daily 100-metre swim session and get straight into walking about the pool change room with his doodle hanging out for a few hours.

The man said he may never get in the water again.

“My favourite part of training is walking about the change room completely nude after my swim, staring at everyone in the eye,” he said. “So today, I thought I’d cut the swimming part out completely and get straight down to business.”

The man is not alone in his love of getting his dong out after a few laps.

“I have a coffee, read the newspaper for a bit and strike up a few conversations with the squad kids in the gents before I even think about putting on some undies,” he said. “Those blokes who awkwardly get changed behind a towel should be banned.”

Several local councils have told The Sydney Sentinel they’re thinking of getting rid of the pool from their aquatic facilities altogether, to make way for additional change rooms.

Housemates Urged to Aim for Poo Stains Before Xmas Guests Arrive

Male housemates in a share house in Sydney have been urged to aim for the poo stains built up inside their toilet, in an effort to make the dunny look respectable before guests arrive for Christmas catch-ups.

The man who came up with the idea said the toilet currently looked like they borrowed it from a three-day musical festival.

“I started to use the servo’s shitter across the road as even it was cleaner,” he said. “It was time to take action, and if we all do our part and focus our streams towards the offending chunks, we’ll soon have a Facebook chair sparkling like the eye of a pensioner hitting a 60-cent feature.”

Other housemates weren’t as optimistic about the plan.

“Look, it’s hard enough aiming inside the toilet let alone aiming for strategic targets within it,” one man said. “I think we’d be better to just chuck the whole thing out and buy a new one. It even smells dead.”

Another housemate said it would be better just to board up the bathroom door and make guests feel at home by inviting them to piss in the sink.

Drug Dealers Selling Berocca for $300 a tab

HangoverMan

Chemists are taking advantage of today’s spike in Christmas-party hangovers by charging dull-eyed customers up to $300 for a single tablet of Berocca.

One office worker who has yet to go to bed after enjoying “a few beers” at his Christmas party, which began yesterday morning and continued on into the afternoon, evening and then morning again, said he was being exploited by his local pharmacy.

“They’re the worst type of drug dealers,” the bloody-nosed man said. “But with my only other option being cutting my head off to dull the pain, I had to pay up.”

Another office workers who overdid things by a Penrith mile said he refused to pay his legal drug dealer for the mild relief.

“I’m just going to keep drinking and never stop,” he said. “That way I’ll never have a hangover again.”

Shares in Berocca tablets are set to rival the rise of cryptocurrency Bitcoin, according to early reports.

Nervous Start to Christmas Party as Colleagues Wonder who has Cocaine

WhiteXmas

It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas.

One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about.

“I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port before the event even started to sand down the corners a bit,” he said. “I started with joking-yet-deadly-serious quips about whose nose was thirsty, but I ended up just straight out asking ‘do you have some cocaine for me to smell with my nose?’.”

Staffers who came packing bagged heat said the tension was even worse for them.

“About 12 people followed every time I went to the bathroom attempting to get a nose bite,” one man said. “It was like when the fish are on, and you have to hide behind a rock to bait your hook.”

Management of the company said it would try to avoid the tension next year by bumping the Kris Kringle limit to $300 and hoping everyone gets the idea of what to buy each other.

Winfield Launches Optimum Ice Crush cigarettes

MethBlast

Winfield has described its new Optimum Ice Crush darts as “smokes for a new generation” at a product launch today.

The durry features the similar NASA-developed technology as the brand’s Optimum Crush product, which contains a crushable mint pellet that releases a menthol-like taste from first to last drag.

A spokesperson said evolving the popular line was a no-brainer.

“Kids already love the icy-freshness of Optimum Crush, so adding a more exciting type of ice with Optimum Ice Crush was a logical next step,” he said, adding that it’s “perfect for those wanting to take the edge off and on at the same time”.

Smokers praised the decision.

“As a gentleman who enjoys both a ciggie and a shard, this superhero team-up works as well as Batman and Superman,” one 14-year-old said.

Optimum Ice Crush will be sold in packs of one and are said to provide days of enjoyment.