Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
New Year’s Eve celebrations have disappointed people across the world for the 2,018th year in a row, with many revellers waking up with a jolt of fear early this morning.
One Sydney-sider described the evening as a lethal cocktail of hope, joy and festivity.
“Whenever I’m feeling good, things go really bad,” he said. “I suddenly think my life is okay, and I drop my guard to talk to people and dance. I might even have a drink, which quickly progresses to ketamine and kebab meat smeared over my naked body in a stranger’s apartment. When I’m sad I just stay at home and nothing goes wrong.”
Another woman from Sydney’s eastern suburbs agreed.
“Happiness brings out the worst in people,” she said. “You never see sad people going out making regrettable decisions like socialising or telling people the truth. Stuff like that will haunt you for the rest of the year.”
Scientists at the University of Penrith have confirmed the link between “happiness” and “terrible decisions”, recommending people reflect on how bad their lives really are before leaving the house to celebrate.