The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”
The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.
“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.
A Sydney man last night rewarded himself with 30 full-strength schooners and a chicken parmigiana with chips, no salad, at his local pub after completing an eight-minute run.
“Doing my first bit of exercise since colour comp at school 14 years ago felt so great I would’ve done it again today if I didn’t have a steaming hangover,” the man said. “The feel-good endorphins from the run made me feel like I had dumped Mother Nature’s pinger. I can really see myself becoming a bit of a fitness freak.”
The man’s partner said he had become rather annoying.
“Since completing his one run, he refers to himself as an athlete and even bought himself some fluorescent runners and compression tights,” she said. “He also claims I ‘don’t understand the lifestyle’ even though I’ve been working out for five years.”
Although the man reported putting on two kilograms after his run and pub session, he has assured everyone it’s all muscle gain.
Dan Murphy’s liquor supermarket is set to open its largest store yet, with plans to open a store over the top of Sydney in its entirety.
The massive building which is being custom built to fit perfectly over the top of Sydney will have aisles and cool rooms that seamlessly incorporate current infrastructure like roads, homes and schools.
A spokesperson from Dan Murphy’s has said opening over the top of Sydney is the logical next step for the business. “People have told us the worst thing about wanting to get blind drunk is having to deal with life sober or tipsy as you drive to one of our stores,” the spokesperson said. “This way people can get hammered the moment the thought of drinking enters their head.”
A government spokesperson for liquor and gaming has called the move lifesaving genius.
“This is the sort of brilliance you’d expect to hear at a TED talk,” the spokesperson said. “The fact that it’s not just being talked about, but happening, is further proof that Sydney businesspeople have some of the biggest heads in the world to think up something this clever.”
Sydney residents are thrilled by the idea. “What a corker,” a Botany local said. “Not being drunk throws a wet blanket over the entire work day. This will ensure I can be in peak form all day, every day.”
“I feel bad drinking when the sun’s up,” one Redfern woman said. “With the store’s roof blocking all natural light, I’ll be able to drink without worry at any time of the day.”
Work on every other project in Sydney has been diverted to building the store, which is set to open over the top of Sydney later this month.
A Sydney man has told The Sydney Sentinel today that he will be suing his workplace for unfair un-dismissal after his boss forced him to stay in the office and do work on Friday afternoon, instead of dismissing him to the local watering hole to down schooners of Baileys, have a slap and hit on the barmaid.
“It’s just not Australian,” said the office worker at the centre of it all. “Everybody knows the working week finishes at Friday 12PM to give us battlers a chance to obliterate ourselves before facing the wife, mistress and kids.”
A union spokesperson has expressed his outrage. “His boss should be hung from his necktie for a few hours,” said the spokesperson. “I’d even argue that the working week finishes at 5PM Thursday, with Friday being a day of recovery and retox… so this poor bloke deserves every million he gets.”
The hospital where the man works as a brain surgeon has acknowledged the bungle.
“To attempt to make up for this PR nightmare, we will be introducing a medical marijuana trolley each Friday at 12PM for all our staff.”
A Botany area garbage man was discharged from hospital today after spending almost six months in bed as the result of an unprecedented bender in which he attempted to drink all of his Christmas presents from local residents in one night.
“It would’ve been rude not to drink them all, but after polishing off the 10,836 six-packs residents had left out as gifts, I spent Christmas Day praying to the porcelain gods instead of Santa,” the man said. “I even opened a few gifts from under the tree and drunk those as well. One was a radio-controlled car, so I’m not sure how I managed that.”
A NSW government health spokesperson pinned the blame squarely on the generosity of the Botany community.
“A thing like this wouldn’t happen in the wealthier suburbs us government folk like to live, as we simply do not give presents to people who are beneath us,” she said. “Taking out our trash is an honour for these men, and we remind them every single week with insults, not beers once a year at Christmas that could lead to this sort of thing happening. It’s a disgrace.”
The garbage man has refused to admit defeat, but has asked that every second home in his local area leave out a bottle of Jagermeister and a few Red Bulls instead of beers this year, to ensure he will have the energy he needs to enjoy all his gifts in one night.
Inspired by the way the Sydney café scene flourished after adding babyccinos to the menu in the early 2000s, a Surry Hills pub has begun offering schoonerchinos to keep young children entertained while their parents drink.
The publican behind the innovation, who describes his mini schooners as “caffeine-free and perfect for little hands”, said there was no longer any reason for patrons to leave the pub early or leave their kids locked in the car while they drink.
“We’ve found many of our customers aren’t able to drink as much as they’d like to because of family annoyances like having to pick their kids up from school or be home to make breakfast. This way, they can simply bring their kids with them in the morning and spend the day together as a loving family,” he said. “We’re even thinking of running a lesson or two in the pokie lounge to teach the little ones about math or computers or something.”
A government spokesperson has called the move “earth shattering for families”, adding that “it takes a village to raise a child, and a pub provides that village environment perfectly”.
The pub said it would limit kids to eight regular schooners and 52 schoonerccinos an hour.
Drinking alcohol has edged out all other hobbies to become the sole favourite pastime of 98 per cent of Australians, a national hobby census released today has found.
A census analyst described the results as “mostly unsurprising”, noting that drinking has topped the list for the past 140 years.
“What is alarming, however, is that drinking seems to be the only hobby most people have these days,” she said.
“In previous years we saw dual hobbyists, who enjoyed things like video games, pokies or even pornography while drinking. But now it seems people prefer their drinking to be undiluted by any distractions.”
The two per cent of Australians who did not nominate drinking as their top choice of pastime were more rounded, according to the report, which found that they gave equal weighting to “eating pizza”, “stealing stuff” and “smoking bongs”.