Local who’s “never been wrong” discovers intelligent life inside echo chamber.


A stay-at-home twelfth-year student has discovered comfort in an echo chamber within a TaxiBox storage unit outside his parents’ Sydney chateau.

“I’ve finally met that special someone who says exactly what I demand other people think,” the self-proclaimed woke-ologist said. “And that person happens to be the most respected life form I’ve ever met – me.”

The man, who insisted we mention he attended North Sydney Private School for the Private, slammed those who argue his viewpoints by adding ‘ophobe’ to any word to shame people into silence.

“Thank God – who doesn’t exist, mind you – the echo inside my storage container never disagrees with me,” the man who now also wants us to mention he’s a genius said. “This is my safe space.”

A TaxiBox spokesperson said the student had missed the point of its service providing a way to easily store or move belongings, but added that the company never judges the “creative” ways people choose to use its units. “However, we may make an exception this time for a laugh,” he said.

Commuters told to tackle people standing side-by-side on escalators


People who ride side-by-side on elevators, blocking those stuck behind them, can expect to be spear tackled by fellow commuters from today, following new rules announced by City of Sydney officials.

The move comes after years of research from the University of Bankstown discovered that escalator blockers – along with taxi drivers and Lycra cyclists ­– were among the most likely to promote feelings of murder in inconvenienced Sydney-siders.

An NRL spokesperson welcomed the new rules, noting that they were a great way to get people fired up ahead of the new season.

“This is just another example of the kind of important life lessons we can all learn from the world’s greatest sport,” he said.

The pregnant, elderly and others incapable of performing a spear tackle will be given special privileges to simply shoot offenders in the face.