Light Rail workers depressed about going back to work as project wraps up

Depression has kicked in for Sydney Light Rail workers as the multi-billion dollar project comes to an end after 22 years.

“I can’t even remember what my job was,” one tradie said. “But luckily I haven’t forgotten how to build a solid compo claim.”

Another worker slammed his peers for being so lazy.

“These men and women who sat around doing nothing the whole time only have themselves to blame,” the man said. “I put in the hard work and studied medicine on the job, so I’m looking forward to my future as an orthopaedic surgeon.”

A government spokesperson called for cooler heads, saying they have plenty more projects to keep workers busy doing nothing to help build projects vital to please their mates who own construction companies.

Sydney Sentinel’s Guide to Enjoying the Rest of Your Holidays

There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:

1. Drink alcohol at home.

2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.

3. Drink alcohol at the pub.

4. $10 hits on Big Red.

5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.

6. Have an affair.

7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.

8. Worry about going back to work.

9. Drink methylated spirits.

10. Depression.

Now get out there and enjoy!

Sydney Sentinel Writer Suffers No-life Crisis

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A writer for Australia’s most credible news site, the Sydney Sentinel, has spent the past three months in bed suffering a no-life crisis, according to this article.

A no-life crisis is similar to a mid-life crisis but experienced by people who have achieved nothing in life, explained one expert, who described the condition as “a growing concern among millennials”.

Commonly prescribed depression cures, such as advice from friends to “just snap out of it” or “harden up, you poof”, were surprisingly ineffective, the writer said, adding that he wasted a lot of time in the early stages of his no-life crises seeking help in the wrong places.

“At first, I was upset to learn the suicide hotline wasn’t a handy ‘how to’ service, but instead offered ‘how not to’ advice,” he said. “But in the end, they helped me find an ongoing solution rather than a permanent one.”

By following a strict diet of prescribed pills and bothering a phycologist once a week, the writer believes he may be able to force himself to write an article occasionally, a 40 per cent improvement on the months when he was unable to leave bed to shower, a time he described as “strangely unenjoyable”.

“Spending three months in bed with no job, ambitions or human contact probably sounds like paradise to most people, but my brain just wouldn’t let me enjoy these simple pleasures,” he said. “Now I’m just trying to achieve a little more each day, which will be a challenge today, as yesterday I ate leftover Chinese on toast for breakfast and watched all the Rocky films.”

Workers Return from Holidays Feeling Refreshed Hatred for their Jobs

Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.

One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.

“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”

One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.

“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.

Man Who Bought Distant Relative Instant Scratchie Hoping he Doesn’t Win

SCRATCH STRESS

A Sydney man who thoughtlessly stuffed a few scratchies into a birthday card to give to a distant relative during Christmas lunch is now really hoping the recipient doesn’t win anything more than $2.

“I’d be fucking spewing if he wins anything good,” the man said. “To think all that cash could’ve been mine, but I gave it away to some bloke I don’t even like. I’m feeling a blood clot forming in my brain from all the worry.”

The man is not alone in feeling the stress of seeing someone he barely cares about win big off a scratchie that could’ve been his.

“I had Christmas spoiled completely one year when my lazy Secret Santa gift resulted in a $10,000 win for the giftee,” one woman said. “And to make things worse, the winner was willing to share, but I simply couldn’t break the sacred bond of secrecy that makes Secret Santa the great tradition it is.”

Insisting her mistake need not be repeated, she recommends the man at the centre of the anxiety storm rips open the envelope and scratches the scratchies himself ‘“just in case”, and gets the distant relative a truckie’s two-piece feed consisting of a pie and a porno from the servo instead.

Boss Sends Text Reminding Everyone the Weekend is Almost Over

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The boss of a medium-sized Sydney business has taken the opportunity to deepen his employees’ already dark Sunday sads by sending a group text message reminding them their weekend is drying up.

The deflating message read: Just a reminder your weekend is almost fineto and you’ll be back on my time tomorrow morning. I hope you didn’t waste your days off as I’m going to need you at 120% for the big week ahead. Do get an early night so you’re ready to go bright and early… and please leave what you did on the weekend at the door. Ta.

One employee described his boss as a massive dickhead.

“He’s a massive dickhead,” the man said. “Since he has no mates, family or even a good local hand-job hut, the man just stews at home all weekend hanging for Monday. He’s kind of like a werewolf, except he gets his powers from the fluorescent office lighting rather than the moon.”

Reports say at least two employees are planning to make a mockery of the office toilet tomorrow morning to show their displeasure.

Dr Google Makes Record Number of Cancer Diagnoses

Dr Google is being recognised as the world’s most efficient medical professional, after figures were revealed indicating it has diagnosed more cases of cancer than all other doctors combined.

Patients, who have been diagnosed with various types of cancer after researching symptoms such as a mild headache, unwanted erection or hangover, say conventional doctors just can’t keep up.

One man, whose Dr Google diagnosis came nine years before any other doctors spotted signs of anything wrong, described the search engine as “a marvel of modern medicine”.

“I was just trying to look up the method for boiling an egg when Dr Google told me I had cancer,” he said. “I’ve been trying to convince other doctors ever since and no one would listen to me, but they’ve finally just spotted a suspicious-looking tumour in my left nut, so who’s laughing now?”

People diagnosed with cancer by Dr Google have been advised that the best treatment method is posting a brave yet raunchy photo of yourself along with 1 like = 1 prayer on Facebook.