Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
A Sydney man who thoughtlessly stuffed a few scratchies into a birthday card to give to a distant relative during Christmas lunch is now really hoping the recipient doesn’t win anything more than $2.
“I’d be fucking spewing if he wins anything good,” the man said. “To think all that cash could’ve been mine, but I gave it away to some bloke I don’t even like. I’m feeling a blood clot forming in my brain from all the worry.”
The man is not alone in feeling the stress of seeing someone he barely cares about win big off a scratchie that could’ve been his.
“I had Christmas spoiled completely one year when my lazy Secret Santa gift resulted in a $10,000 win for the giftee,” one woman said. “And to make things worse, the winner was willing to share, but I simply couldn’t break the sacred bond of secrecy that makes Secret Santa the great tradition it is.”
Insisting her mistake need not be repeated, she recommends the man at the centre of the anxiety storm rips open the envelope and scratches the scratchies himself ‘“just in case”, and gets the distant relative a truckie’s two-piece feed consisting of a pie and a porno from the servo instead.
The boss of a medium-sized Sydney business has taken the opportunity to deepen his employees’ already dark Sunday sads by sending a group text message reminding them their weekend is drying up.
The deflating message read: Just a reminder your weekend is almost fineto and you’ll be back on my time tomorrow morning. I hope you didn’t waste your days off as I’m going to need you at 120% for the big week ahead. Do get an early night so you’re ready to go bright and early… and please leave what you did on the weekend at the door. Ta.
One employee described his boss as a massive dickhead.
“He’s a massive dickhead,” the man said. “Since he has no mates, family or even a good local hand-job hut, the man just stews at home all weekend hanging for Monday. He’s kind of like a werewolf, except he gets his powers from the fluorescent office lighting rather than the moon.”
Reports say at least two employees are planning to make a mockery of the office toilet tomorrow morning to show their displeasure.
Direct eye contact lasting more than three seconds with fellow passengers has been banned today on all Sydney transport, including train, bus and ferry travel, with an on-the-spot five-year prison sentence issued to anyone found violating the new law.
The rule is being introduced after surveys revealed that “other people” is most travellers’ biggest problem with public transport.
“I’d catch public transport more often if it weren’t for the other people,” said Carl Maxwell, who chooses to drive to work alone to avoid human contact. “I feel this eye-contact ban will really help reduce social anxiety levels and make people like me rethink my commuting habits.”
“It’s a good start, but more needs to be done,” regular train passenger Tim Rogers said. “Let’s ban looking up from your phone completely. It’s unnecessary and puts people on edge.”
The new law is the next step in the NSW government’s crackdown on anti-social social behaviour, which saw 5,000 people executed for talking violations last month.
A Sydney man has wasted his sick day today feeling bad about taking the sickie in which he planned in advance with well-timed coughs in front of his boss yesterday afternoon.
“I started to get anxious about it around 9:04 this morning,” the man said. “Instead of simply enjoying having the house all to myself and masturbating in rooms that are usually off limits, I ended up just pacing around the joint in a state of paranoia.”
What’s worse, he added, is that this isn’t the first time it’s happened.
“I actually got an ulcer from all the worry last time I took a sickie. Next time I’ll make sure I have some Valium handy so I can actually feel well enough to enjoy my sick day.”
The man has said that he will likely be forced to take a day of stress leave tomorrow to get over the ordeal.