Sunday Drinkers Claim Hangover “Impossible” after Such a Nice Day

SundaySession

A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.

One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.

“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.

“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”

Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.

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New Personal Training Service Where Trainers do the Workout for You

Fitness4U

A service launched in Sydney today allows “time-poor” clients to relax while personal trainers work out on their behalf.

The new service, called Fitness 4 U, is designed for busy Sydneysiders who’d rather be drinking at work, drinking at the pub, or drinking at home than exercise.

One of the first members of the service said it’s up there with having porn on your phone in terms of game changingness.

“This way I can tell myself I’m going to exercise today, not exercise today, but then still feel good about it as someone else did it for me,” the man said. “I haven’t noticed any physical gains, but my conscience has improved dramatically now I don’t have to feel bad about not exercising.”

The membership also comes with a backpack that you can take with you absolutely everywhere to make those not exercising feel bad about themselves.

Local Retailers Furious Amazon Australia Launch Will Force them to Offer Fair Prices

AmazonFactory

The launch of Amazon Australia set for this afternoon is causing tremendous stress-anxiety-depression for local retailers, who are used to being able to rip customers off.

A spokesperson for one retail giant said board members have been burning the cocaine oil staying up all night trying to invent new ways to charge Australians “heaps” for products that are cheaper everywhere else in the world, a practice retailers have affectionately dubbed “the Australian tax”.

“One of the best ideas was to pretend we care for the environment and charge a carbon footprint tax or something for postage,” he said. “And a cracking idea for our bricks-and-mortar stores was to open a toll booth and charge entry, then put together a marketing campaign about how we’re creating new jobs for the folk who have to man them all day.”

Some Australian retailers have said Amazon Australia won’t make any difference to their businesses as they “don’t sell books anyway”.

Man Trapped in Health Food Store Overnight Forced to Eat Own Poo

HealthFood2

A Sydney man was forced to eat his own poo to make it through a night trapped inside a local health food emporium when staff locked the store up for the night without realising he was still inside.

The mishap occurred after the man rushed into the store to use the gender-neutral toilet and fell into an LSD-like trance on the stool pool thanks to the mystic incense burning within the restroom.

The man said he would have used the pub toilet like a normal person, but he didn’t feel like having the 50 or so guilt beers he was forced to down the last time a publican caught him popping in just to use the gents.
“When I came to after smelling colours and seeing sounds I’ve never tasted before, it was too late, and I was locked in the store with no phone charge,” the man said. “I tried to make it through the night with no food or water, but it was impossible. I had to do what anyone would do locked up in a place that only served loony health food, and dine on my own poo and wash it down with my own wee.”

The man said that unlike the way most odd foods are described, it certainly didn’t taste like chicken.

Malcolm Turnbull Fired for Being Unable to Name a Single AC/DC Song

ACDC

Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull was sent to a detention centre on Manus Island overnight after he was unable to name a single song when asked to nominate a favourite track by iconic rock band AC/DC in an interview following the death of founding guitarist Malcolm Young.

Former NSW Premier Mike Baird, who cited “Dirty deeds done dirt cheap” as the song that inspired his career, was quick to put his hand up for the top role.

“I retired from politics to help members of my family through serious illness six months ago but everyone’s fine now,” he said. “It’s amazing what $887,000 can do for your health.”

Baird has already launched his election campaign, promising to get the greyhound racing industry “back in [the] black” and everything else in the country “on the highway to hell” in record time.

Turnbull issued a statement saying that he could reel off the name of every piece ever written by Mozart, Beethoven and Bach “like every other regular Aussie bloke” and shouldn’t be punished for this one small lapse in cultural knowledge.

Whoops! Healthy Harold Didn’t Warn Kids About Ice as he “Didn’t Think it Was That Good”

PoorKids

Healthy Harold has copped an unadulterated roasting today after admitting he didn’t bother warning 1990s and ’00s kids about ice because he never enjoyed it that much, so he thought it wouldn’t catch on.

This isn’t the first time Harold’s underestimated a drug – he was famously transformed into an enormous giraffe puppet after drinking bong water at a school fete – yet with more than 92 per cent of Australians addicted to ice, it’s certainly his biggest goof.

“Mate, to tell you the truth, I didn’t think it was that strong a high,” Harold said. “The frisbee-sized pingers you could get on the rave scene at the time were where it was at. You needed to sit down and eat them with a knife and fork.”

Harold said that if he’s fired over the blunder, he’s cooked up a few ideas about things he can do with the van.

The Left Now Siding with No Voters as Poll Reveals They’re the Minority

LeftPest

The left has made a dramatic shift in who they support in the same-sex marriage plebiscite today, after a poll revealed that no voters are a minority group, which automatically qualifies them for complete backing from the left.

A spokesperson for the left said determining who to champion and who to destroy is fluid and changes daily.

“There are many times a minority group doesn’t completely think the way we want them to and things get tricky,” the spokesperson said. “For groups we both love and hate at the same time we split things into shifts and burn down their houses in the morning, then create a GetUp! fundraiser in the afternoon to help them rebuild from the awful destruction we caused.”

One gay man who will actually be affected by the outcome said it’s fucked.

“People have turned a basic and easy question into a brain-meltingly complex decision, that’s almost as hard as choosing a favourite between ‘Stone Cold Steve Austin’ or ‘The Rock’,” he said.