The Age of Entitlement Returns Exclusively for Politicians

HOCKEY

The Australian government has announced that the “age of entitlement” then-treasurer Joe Hockey declared over in 2012 is back exclusively for its staff, with every member of parliament set to receive a salary increase in the thousands plus simultaneous tax cuts.

Politicians have justified the entitlements, which come amid historically low wages growth nationwide, as “a necessary step” to tackle rampant bribery and corruption allegations.

“This is really in the public’s best interest,” one insider said. “If my pay rise means I can take just one less bribe next year, everyone wins.”

Malcolm Turnbull, who already has a vast museum dedicated to his private money collection, said he’ll invest the extra cash into trying to get the NBN to at least work for at least 10 of his houses.

Hockey, who is now Ambassador of Australia to the United States, said the higher salaries won’t lead to MPs becoming out of touch and that he stood by previous statements regarding poor people not driving and young people who want to break into the property market simply needing to get a better job.

“It was my job to offer pithy insights like this to the Australian public,” he said. “That’s why they paid me the big bucks.”

Advertisements

CEOs Tackle Homelessness by Hunting Them in Virtual Reality at Sleepout Charity Event

HUNTING

Sydney’s elite gathered last night to sleep like homeless people do, except with a few creature comforts, like being indoors, lobster canapes, hookers, cocaine, Champagne and a virtual reality game called “Big bucks hunting the poor”, which allows users to engage with “close-to-real” homeless people by shooting them.

Participants described the event as one of the highlights of their social calendar.

“The networking opportunities at this event are extraordinary,” one banking CEO said. “It also goes to show the homeless are simply lazy, as I made more than $5 billion last night striking up new deals… oh, and I personally helped more than 60 virtual homeless people get off the street permanently, thanks to my boom-stick.”

Another CEO, who describes himself as a self-made millionaire who turned a trillion-dollar inheritance into thousands all by himself, said the event was “eye opening”.

“No wonder people choose to be homeless, it’s amazing!” he said while enjoying a peking-duck on a stick. “I’m actually thinking of becoming homeless next year for tax reasons, so it’s grand to get some practice in this luxury setting.”

The event, which raised $10 million for charities providing services for the homeless, cost $40 billion, half of which was spent on cocaine for those who choose not to sleep at the sleepout.

It Would be Sexist Not to Have Tampon Tax, Government Says

Tampon

The government has defended the controversial 10 per cent “luxury tax” on tampons, saying it will only scrap the levy when all Australians can enjoy a monthly period, regardless of gender.

“When men can enjoy the same regular cramps, bleeding and acne that women do, we will of course get rid of the tampon tax,” a government health spokesperson said. “What’s important is that this is fair for everyone involved.”

However Australian men’s groups have argued that the tax on sanitary items should be abolished, along with similar taxes on a raft of other “so-called luxuries”.

“Beer, cigarettes and pornography are all highly taxed items that are treated as luxuries but these are needs, not wants,” one man said.

Mattel Slammed for Assuming Ken’s Gender in Redesign

KEN

Ferocious protests have soured the relaunch of Barbie’s boyfriend Ken, who’s received his first major makeover in 56 years to better represent today’s politically correct society. The protestors are fuming that the toy giant has assumed Ken’s gender, taking toy rights back to the dark ages.

The toy maker today has apologised profusely for the mishap, speaking from their head office which is currently on fire from the protests.

“We should have let Ken assume his own gender,” said a Mattel spokesperson. “We thought we were ticking all the right boxes to not offend anyone by making Ken fat, gay, a refugee from Syria as well as an anti-vaxxer… but we clearly dropped the ball big time by calling him a man.”

The head of Mattel has been forced to step down from his position immediately, and will be spending the rest of his life in jail until he is killed by lethal injection.

Protestors have felt the punishment is a slap on the wrist and is calling for the death of all Mattel employees.

The Sydney Sentinel spoke with several children, with the overall response being that they don’t give a toss about Ken’s gender, and would rather their parents spent some time playing with them rather than protesting all the time.

Government Claims Slow NBN is Deliberate Tactic to Discourage Screen Time

NBN

The NBN network was designed to be slow and unreliable as part of a world-first initiative to minimise kids’ screen time, according to a statement released by the Australian government today amid criticisms of the service.

“It was our plan all along,” an NBN spokesperson said. “If the internet is so slow it’s unusable, kids will put down their screens and get outside to roam the streets, hurt animals or join a neighbourhood gang – all the good old-fashioned stuff kids used to do.”

While parent groups have admitted excessive screen time is a major issue, many remained unconvinced about the government’s solution.

“All this has done has transformed our children from mild-mannered, semi-conscious beings that are rarely seen and never heard, to energetic little things that are constantly hassling their guardians to take them somewhere or provide them with food,” said a representative. “No parent signed up for that!”

Representative for people who aren’t children have also pointed out that the government’s plan may not have been completely thought through.

“I enjoy spending my downtime on the internet, but I also need it for work,” one confirmed grown-up said. “Just kidding. I use it for porn, just like everyone else, but now I’ve been forced to go back to magazines and I was sad to learn that classics such as Nuts and Ralph have disappeared, along with the newsagencies that sold them.”

One internet service provider is building a massive Ethernet cable that will run from Japan to Australia and allow people to bypass the NBN.

Australian Made Logo Branded as Racist

AUS MADE

Violent protests are underway at universities across Sydney against the Australian Made logo that appears on products whose ingredients or production mostly originate from Australia.

Those protesting the logo claim anyone who buys an item with the logo is a bigot and should be yelled at.

A nineteenth-year Arts student who organised the Sydney-wide protest said he’d been racking his brain for something to protest against for some time now, and was thrilled when he found something new to make him angry.

“This logo discriminates against products that come from another country,” the lead protestor said. “As a multi-cultured society, this is a hateful logo from the dark ages that belittles diversity. It has to go.”

A spokesperson for the Australian Made trade mark said goods and services have no race and they certainly don’t mean to offend anybody.

“We’re simply trying to promote Australian products in Australia and markets around the world,” the spokesperson said. “I migrated from Pakistan 6 months ago, have a jewish wife, an adopted homosexual daughter with down syndrome from the Easter Islands, and am the Imam at my local Mosque… so it’s very confusing to have the word ‘redneck’ spray-painted across my house.”

The protestors said they won’t stop exercising their right to have an opinion until they force everybody to have the same opinion as they do.

Dan Murphy’s set to Open Over the top of Sydney

Dan Murphy

Dan Murphy’s liquor supermarket is set to open its largest store yet, with plans to open a store over the top of Sydney in its entirety.

The massive building which is being custom built to fit perfectly over the top of Sydney will have aisles and cool rooms that seamlessly incorporate current infrastructure like roads, homes and schools.

A spokesperson from Dan Murphy’s has said opening over the top of Sydney is the logical next step for the business. “People have told us the worst thing about wanting to get blind drunk is having to deal with life sober or tipsy as you drive to one of our stores,” the spokesperson said. “This way people can get hammered the moment the thought of drinking enters their head.”

A government spokesperson for liquor and gaming has called the move lifesaving genius.

“This is the sort of brilliance you’d expect to hear at a TED talk,” the spokesperson said. “The fact that it’s not just being talked about, but happening, is further proof that Sydney businesspeople have some of the biggest heads in the world to think up something this clever.”

Sydney residents are thrilled by the idea. “What a corker,” a Botany local said. “Not being drunk throws a wet blanket over the entire work day. This will ensure I can be in peak form all day, every day.”

“I feel bad drinking when the sun’s up,” one Redfern woman said. “With the store’s roof blocking all natural light, I’ll be able to drink without worry at any time of the day.”

Work on every other project in Sydney has been diverted to building the store, which is set to open over the top of Sydney later this month.