The launch of Amazon Australia set for this afternoon is causing tremendous stress-anxiety-depression for local retailers, who are used to being able to rip customers off.
A spokesperson for one retail giant said board members have been burning the cocaine oil staying up all night trying to invent new ways to charge Australians “heaps” for products that are cheaper everywhere else in the world, a practice retailers have affectionately dubbed “the Australian tax”.
“One of the best ideas was to pretend we care for the environment and charge a carbon footprint tax or something for postage,” he said. “And a cracking idea for our bricks-and-mortar stores was to open a toll booth and charge entry, then put together a marketing campaign about how we’re creating new jobs for the folk who have to man them all day.”
Some Australian retailers have said Amazon Australia won’t make any difference to their businesses as they “don’t sell books anyway”.