Santa Claus has been labelled as highly offensive for choosing to be a white heterosexual male, with furious protest groups demanding him to be banned immediately.
“We’ve put up with this macho Santa garbage since the third century,” one person with crippling offended pains said. “We’ve gone to great lengths to ensure that the non-denominational December celebration formerly known as Christmas doesn’t offend anyone, then he shows up and ruins everything by being a man.”
Several protestors began tearing down statues of Santa in their local shopping centre.
“These statues celebrate a man who gifts children based on their gender,” one protestor said. “His catchphrase, ‘ho ho ho’, shows how little respect he has for women.”
One shopping centre is planning to solve the problem by creating a Voltron-like version of Santa formed with five individuals of different genders, races, religious beliefs, disabilities and sizes.
Bubblers have been turned off in schools across Australia and parents have been told not to pack water in their kids’ school bags following a rash of instant yet painful playground deaths attributed to allergic reactions to the world’s second-most popular form of hydration after vodka.
“Children used to have mild allergies to things like peanuts and pet hair, but these days almost all foods, drinks and things in general can cause anaphylactic shock,” a school principal said. “We think it has something to do with children having everything handed to them on a silver platter with diamonds these days.”
Parents of children with water allergies have slammed schools, the government and Mother Nature for not doing enough to protect victims from the “ubiquitous and deadly liquid”.
“From the oceans to the rain to the pipes that pump it right into our homes, water is everywhere and it’s just not good enough,” one mother said, adding that normal everyday tasks had become difficult. “We have to squirt our son with hand sanitiser every morning as his sensitive body would die in a regular shower and he hasn’t been able to consume a drink for seven months while we wait for test results, so he’s extremely thirsty.”
Researchers from the CSIRO have warned parents that children could soon be allergic to non-designer clothes, activities that don’t involve screens, and catching pubic transport to school.
Checkpoints will be set up at the entrances to the popular coastal walk between Bondi to Coogee this weekend in a bid to weed out ugly people, sweaty runners and others who might ruin perfect selfie opportunities for beautiful people.
Chloe, a 22-year-old Tamarama local who describes herself as an “entrepreneur/model/beauty blogger”, will be responsible for policing the Bondi entrance to the walk on weekends.
“I’ve worked on the door at all of Sydney’s best clubs, so I really know the sorts of things to look out for,” she said in response to questions about her qualifications for the role. “If a woman isn’t wearing at least one Lululemon item and carrying a turmeric latte, it’s unlikely I’ll let her in.”
India, 19, whose LinkedIn profile describes her as an “entrepreneur/model/DJ”, will be stationed at the Coogee entrance. She described the job as “a fat-free cake walk”.
“The process of natural selection and rise of cheap injectables mean there aren’t a lot of ugly people in the eastern suburbs anyway,” she said, adding that she would simply be pointing “undesirables” towards the less-crowded Coogee to Maroubra walk.