Man who Only Popped Into the Pub to Use Toilet Downs 50 Schooners

PubToilet

A man who walked into a Sydney pub only wanting to use the toilet today ended up downing 50 schooners and a fisherman’s basket and chucking a few gorillas into Top Banana, all because he didn’t want to look like he was “taking the piss”.

“The bloke behind the bar clocked me as I ran straight for the gents, so I couldn’t just walk straight back outside after draining the pee from my balls,” the man said. “It was time to do the right thing and pull up a stump for a day or so.”

The man was so committed to looking like he wasn’t abusing the pub’s toilet that he canned going back to work for the day.

“The barman must’ve known I was only hanging about to be polite, as he told me I’d had enough and asked me to leave when I tried to order schoon number 51.”

Sadly, the man’s wife didn’t appreciate his courtesy and has filed for divorce.

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Man Finishes Movie Snacks Before Movie Starts

movies

A Sydney movie goer who purchased a jumbo popcorn and Coke to enjoy throughout his Thursday night flick has managed to demolish all his treats during the trailers.

To make matters worse, the man said this was not the first time it’s happened.

“Last time I floored all my snacks before even making it to my seat, so this was a slight improvement,” the man said. “However, with ads and trailers pushing 90 minutes these days, I feel like I never had a chance to begin with.”

The man confirmed that after dropping $430 on tickets and snacks, he wasn’t in a financial position to get a choc-top reinforcement to see him into the actual movie.

His Facebook suggestion to show the trailers after the movie was met with a firm “no” from cinemas.

Mystery Surrounds Phone that Dies when Owner Asked to Share Uber

UBER PHONE

A Sydney man’s phone consistently runs out of battery the exact moment an Uber needs to be booked on a night out, a special investigation into the matter has been told.

Friends said they raised the alarm after the man reported his phone’s mysterious behaviour for the ninth weekend in a row.

“He always seems to have a hard time retrieving his phone from his pocket when someone suggests we catch an Uber, which is odd because he’s the quickest draw in the Inner West when a Tinder notification comes through,” one friend said. “Then, when he does finally get his phone out to book an Uber, it’s always dead.”

Another friend has confirmed the story, adding that the man always promises to buy the person paying for the ride a drink.

“The drink never comes,” another friend of the man said. “But when we get to the pub, his phone always miraculously comes back to life until it’s time to share an Uber home.”

Sydney Pub Entices Families with Schoonerccinos for Kids

kids schooner

Inspired by the way the Sydney café scene flourished after adding babyccinos to the menu in the early 2000s, a Surry Hills pub has begun offering schoonerchinos to keep young children entertained while their parents drink.

The publican behind the innovation, who describes his mini schooners as “caffeine-free and perfect for little hands”, said there was no longer any reason for patrons to leave the pub early or leave their kids locked in the car while they drink.

“We’ve found many of our customers aren’t able to drink as much as they’d like to because of family annoyances like having to pick their kids up from school or be home to make breakfast. This way, they can simply bring their kids with them in the morning and spend the day together as a loving family,” he said. “We’re even thinking of running a lesson or two in the pokie lounge to teach the little ones about math or computers or something.”

A government spokesperson has called the move “earth shattering for families”, adding that “it takes a village to raise a child, and a pub provides that village environment perfectly”.

The pub said it would limit kids to eight regular schooners and 52 schoonerccinos an hour.

Mobile Pokie Service Uber VIP launches

VIP CAB

Uber today announced the launch of Uber VIP, a fleet of customised cars that have had their passenger seats removed and replaced with poker machines.

Uber VIP, which is set to appear as on option on mobile services later this month, will work the same as current Uber services but with the added bonus that passengers will be able to have a flutter en route to wherever they’re going, whether that be a TAB, racetrack or pub lounge.

“Each pokie comes with all the essentials,” an Uber spokesperson said. “Passengers will be able to choose from games such as Where’s the… Gold, More Chilli, 5 Dragons, and of course Australia’s favourite foreigner, the Queen of the Nile.”

A government spokesperson said the move was “long overdue”, claiming “Sydney-siders will now be able to have a night out, on their way out”.

If passengers get carried away and can no longer afford their fare at the end of the ride, the driver will personally escort them to the nearest casino, where they will have the opportunity to win back the fare using their home, jewellery or any other items of value they might possess as a deposit.

If the scheme is successful, the NSW government has pledged to add the VIP service to Sydney’s upcoming light rail network.