WestConnex “Drug Super High Way” to be Extended to Bondi Beach

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The controversial WestConnex motorway project has been secretly extended to create an express route from Sydney’s western suburbs to Bondi Beach after researchers found it was the journey most frequently made by “private couriers”, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal.

The extension, dubbed the “drug super high way”, is described as “key to both ensuring the financial future of one of the biggest industries in Sydney’s west and maintaining Bondi’s iconic nightlife” in leaked documents that outline “world-first” features, including a “white lane” in place of the more traditional bus lane, which will enable couriers to reach clients within 20 minutes of receiving an order for a bag.

Additionally, drivers will be able to insert their E-Toll tag in a bum bag rather than fitting it to a car windscreen.

“We discovered that a number of couriers use rented vehicles in their Eastern run and this bum-tag-bag convenience ensures they can easily switch between a white Lexus or Range Rover,” a spokesperson said, noting that the new road will also benefit the “thousands” of people living in denial about their home address.

“Our research showed that a number of so-called Bondi locals were in fact residents of the western suburbs.”

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Thousands Ropeable Day is ‘Too Nice to Stay Inside’

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A glorious Sydney day has forced thousands of people to leave the comfort and familiarity of their home because they feel like they have to.

“When I woke up with the sun in my eyes, I knew my day was ruined,” one Sydney local said, adding that he’d planned to share a day on the couch with a few schooners of whiskey and his “best mate”, PornHub.

“The last nice day we had on a weekend, my partner dragged me out to do the Bondi to Coogee walk, but this Chloe chick banned me so we had to walk to Maroubra instead,” he said.

Despite the man’s level-eight hangover, his partner has a full day of activities scheduled for him, including kayaking, snorkelling, water-skiing and hosting a BBQ for 80 people.

“I’ll have to decant a litre of vodka into a water bottle to have any chance of surviving this day,” the man said.

Instagram Models Outnumber Regular People in Bondi

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The number of people taking highly crafted Photoshopped selfies to upload to Instragram has overtaken the general population in Bondi Beach, a new report has revealed.

Regular-beautiful-person-turned-Instagram-star Chloe said good-looking people who don’t share their lives on Instagram are “just being selfish”, adding that she takes “a lot of pride in what she has achieved” through social media.

“I don’t get out of bed for less than 1,000 Likes,” she said. “Even if I have to spend sleepless days retouching my ’grams, I’m worth it. Plus I don’t have a real job to get in the way. My 145,034 fans on Instagram wouldn’t know how to live without daily pics of me in faux yoga posses or modeling a new bikini in a shot taken with the camera held as high above my face and chest as I can reach.

Russell, a 13-year old Dungeons & Dragons grand wizard who comments so regularly on Chloe’s posts she has considered taking out a restraining order, said the Instagram feed helps him relax. “It’s good to have someone other than my mum or sister to think about in the darker hours,” he said. “Chloe gives me all the inspiration I need to have an un-frustrating sleep.”

Chloe promises to keep her fans feeling good until she “turns all old and gross” at the age of 22, when she plans to retire to Maroubra.

128 Drown While Lifeguards Busy Filming Bondi Rescue

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More than 100 people have died in a horror start to the summer beach season at Bondi, where lifeguards have been preoccupied with filming new episodes of Channel Ten’s Bondi Rescue.

“Unfortunately, not all rescues make for good TV and we have to prioritise those that do,” one Bondi lifeguard said. “If you plan on visiting our beach and you’re not a strong swimmer, make sure you’ve got a fit rig and a decent tan. We air at dinnertime, you know.”

A Waverley Council spokesperson has labelled the deaths as “unfortunate but unavoidable collateral damage in the name of entertainment”, noting that “an entire episode full of lifeguards rescuing people makes for dull viewing”.

“People want to know more about the lifeguards’ personal lives, or watch them hoon around on a beach buggy looking for a tidy bit of crumpet,” he said.

Pokies by The Sea to Compete with Sculpture by The Sea

Maroubra council is set to launch Pokies by the Sea, a new beach-side exhibition designed to rival the hugely popular Sculpture by the Sea event currently taking place along the coastal path between Bondi to Bronte.

Organisers have promised to include “all the classic titles, such as Big Red and More Chilli” in the exhibition, which will line the coastal path from north to south Maroubra.

Critics have praised the move as “genius”, with one expert describing the exhibition as “an interactive experience that invites the everyman to appreciate art”.

There will be more than 400 sculptures lining the coastline, complete with bar and ATM facilities.

Ugly People to be Banned From Bondi to Coogee Walk

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Checkpoints will be set up at the entrances to the popular coastal walk between Bondi to Coogee this weekend in a bid to weed out ugly people, sweaty runners and others who might ruin perfect selfie opportunities for beautiful people.

Chloe, a 22-year-old Tamarama local who describes herself as an “entrepreneur/model/beauty blogger”, will be responsible for policing the Bondi entrance to the walk on weekends.

“I’ve worked on the door at all of Sydney’s best clubs, so I really know the sorts of things to look out for,” she said in response to questions about her qualifications for the role. “If a woman isn’t wearing at least one Lululemon item and carrying a turmeric latte, it’s unlikely I’ll let her in.”

India, 19, whose LinkedIn profile describes her as an “entrepreneur/model/DJ”, will be stationed at the Coogee entrance. She described the job as “a fat-free cake walk”.

“The process of natural selection and rise of cheap injectables mean there aren’t a lot of ugly people in the eastern suburbs anyway,” she said, adding that she would simply be pointing “undesirables” towards the less-crowded Coogee to Maroubra walk.