There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.
One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.
“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.
“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”
Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.
A Sydney man enjoying a purple patch on the sentimental favourite pokie he grew up with, Spring Carnival, decided to call it quits and cash out at $290 so his spectating pals didn’t enforce the compulsory rule of shouting everyone a nose bag if your winnings exceed $300.
The man said hitting collect was one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do, as he was certain things were far from finished on the race track.
“Winning more than $300 when your mates are watching is basically a loss,” the man said. “So instead of shouting a bag, I grabbed everyone a schooner of rum or two, then snuck off to look for the only sort of bags I’m interested in – the bookie bags belonging to W.Winbig.”
The man ended up returning all his winnings, credit card cash advances, and a Nimble loan to Spring Carnival. He will be not be seen for the rest of the weekend and will be taking his lunch to work every day next week.
A Sydney man has undergone intense questioning this morning after he returned home from having “a few quiet ones with the boys” at 3 am smelling shower fresh.
The man’s wife said it was “obvious” he’d been to the hand-job hut that recently opened between their home and the local pub.
“Since that rub-and-tug shop popped up, he comes home smelling radioactively fresh after any outing that involves booze,” she said. “But the man is a grub no matter how much dishwashing liquid they disinfect him with.”
While the man managed not to crack under his wife’s interrogation, he responded to an email query from The Sydney Sentinel with: “just between you and me, mate, I did get some harmless fun on my way home”.
“It’s those damn music video clips they have playing in the pub,” he said. “They’re basically musical pornos. Even before this new joint opened up, there were already 28 brothels and 12 Thai massage parlours in the two blocks between my house and the pub. It’s hard enough to get past them all sober but try doing it with 780 or so schooners under the belt – it’s harder than the Ninja Warrior challenge.”
Men’s “harmless fun” has been proven to be the number-one cause of harm for Australian women for the 80th consecutive year, according to a CSIRO report.
The secret to being one of those cool girls who eats and drinks like a man but still looks like a Victoria’s Secret model is to only eat when cameras or people you want to impress are around, a blogger has revealed in a tell-all post.
Chloe, a model/blogger who shot to fame after becoming one of the first door bitches hired to maintain beauty standards on the Bondi to Coogee walk, said she was revealing her diet tips as a public service for “all those poor girls who just don’t understand how important it is to not only look amazing, but also to come across as someone who doesn’t even try”.
“Start by sinking a few beers with the boys while your girlfriends all sip vodka sodas, then be the first to finish a huge late-night kebab or greasy burger and chips, say how hungry you still are and casually slip in a comment about how you never go to the gym,” Chloe advises her followers. “After that, you just need to ensure you don’t eat again until the next group outing or Instagram opportunity – it’s that easy.”
To maintain your weight and image during busier socialising periods, such as the festive season, Chloe recommended switching from booze to cocaine in order to have “a valid Cool Girl excuse for not drinking or eating”.
A Sydney man has told The Sydney Sentinel today that he will be suing his workplace for unfair un-dismissal after his boss forced him to stay in the office and do work on Friday afternoon, instead of dismissing him to the local watering hole to down schooners of Baileys, have a slap and hit on the barmaid.
“It’s just not Australian,” said the office worker at the centre of it all. “Everybody knows the working week finishes at Friday 12PM to give us battlers a chance to obliterate ourselves before facing the wife, mistress and kids.”
A union spokesperson has expressed his outrage. “His boss should be hung from his necktie for a few hours,” said the spokesperson. “I’d even argue that the working week finishes at 5PM Thursday, with Friday being a day of recovery and retox… so this poor bloke deserves every million he gets.”
The hospital where the man works as a brain surgeon has acknowledged the bungle.
“To attempt to make up for this PR nightmare, we will be introducing a medical marijuana trolley each Friday at 12PM for all our staff.”
A glorious Sydney day has forced thousands of people to leave the comfort and familiarity of their home because they feel like they have to.
“When I woke up with the sun in my eyes, I knew my day was ruined,” one Sydney local said, adding that he’d planned to share a day on the couch with a few schooners of whiskey and his “best mate”, PornHub.
“The last nice day we had on a weekend, my partner dragged me out to do the Bondi to Coogee walk, but this Chloe chick banned me so we had to walk to Maroubra instead,” he said.
Despite the man’s level-eight hangover, his partner has a full day of activities scheduled for him, including kayaking, snorkelling, water-skiing and hosting a BBQ for 80 people.
“I’ll have to decant a litre of vodka into a water bottle to have any chance of surviving this day,” the man said.