Poor Kids on Santa’s Naughty List for 4,000th Year Straight

SantaList

Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.

“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”

One rich kid who received an iPhone X, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.

“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”

Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2018.

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Drug Dealers Selling Berocca for $300 a tab

HangoverMan

Chemists are taking advantage of today’s spike in Christmas-party hangovers by charging dull-eyed customers up to $300 for a single tablet of Berocca.

One office worker who has yet to go to bed after enjoying “a few beers” at his Christmas party, which began yesterday morning and continued on into the afternoon, evening and then morning again, said he was being exploited by his local pharmacy.

“They’re the worst type of drug dealers,” the bloody-nosed man said. “But with my only other option being cutting my head off to dull the pain, I had to pay up.”

Another office workers who overdid things by a Penrith mile said he refused to pay his legal drug dealer for the mild relief.

“I’m just going to keep drinking and never stop,” he said. “That way I’ll never have a hangover again.”

Shares in Berocca tablets are set to rival the rise of cryptocurrency Bitcoin, according to early reports.