A Clovelly man is in danger of missing his daily run along the coastal path to Bondi this morning after realising he had “nothing to wear”, even though his closet was packed full of designer workout gear, joggers made by NASA and colour-coordinated drink bottles.
The man said he “just wasn’t feeling” any of his outfits.
“Nothing truly expressed my positively carefree yet dangerously focused running mood or went well with this morning’s lighting conditions,” the man said. “Naturally, everyone would be watching me, so I couldn’t just chuck any old thing on. One unflattering Aquabumps snap could set me back years of dedicated training.”
The man said if his emergency order from The Iconic doesn’t arrive, he will make up for today’s lack of training by spending an extra hour in the solarium and taking twice as many photos at Icebergs this afternoon than usual.
The only good thing about sliding down an icy hill, eating strange animal parts and paying thousands for worthless rocks is that other people can’t afford to, some of Australia’s wealthiest people have admitted.
“Going to the beach is obviously a lot more fun than skiing, but anyone can afford to do that,” one rich kid said in an interview from his parent’s ski chalet. “I thought this charade was something everyone was in on – I mean, exclusivity is the only logical reason anyone would choose to eat fattened duck liver or fish eggs over a sausage roll in a roll with sauce.”
Another rich kid said she was ditching all pretence of subtlety because responsibilities such as Instagramming photos of her business class ticket besides a strategically placed glass of Champagne from the Qantas lounge was becoming a full-time job.
“I’ve stopped buying expensive jewellery and perfumes and simply started pinning money to my designer outfits,” she said. “Poor people can’t tell the difference between designer and Target anyway, so this way they can easily identify me as #blessed.”
Other rich people have told The Sydney Sentinel that they also have decided to be more obvious about their superiority by leaving their ATM receipts in the machine for the next person to marvel at.
Me First gym has opened in Bondi over the weekend providing locals with what the gym says is “none of the unnecessary exercise fads like weights and treadmills” to free up the space for thousands of mirrors covering every single surface for selfies.
“The most important part about exercise is letting everybody on social media know you’re doing it. So we’ve simply cut out the actual exercise part so people can get instant results,” said Me First spokesperson Chloe.
“My personal workout of bending in front of the mirror in tight pants received over 2000 likes on Facebook this morning.”
The gym will have personal trainers available to expertly show new members the best angles, filters and posses for maximum results. The gym also has several props like massive headphones, a yoga mat and a water bottle with water to use on request, should your selfie require it.
One happy member said “I love that there’s plenty of mirrors in the bathroom for my post-workout nose shake,” adding “It gives me the confidence to stroll the beach for the rest of the day acting like I own it.”