WestConnex “Drug Super High Way” to be Extended to Bondi Beach

DrugSuperHighway

The controversial WestConnex motorway project has been secretly extended to create an express route from Sydney’s western suburbs to Bondi Beach after researchers found it was the journey most frequently made by “private couriers”, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal.

The extension, dubbed the “drug super high way”, is described as “key to both ensuring the financial future of one of the biggest industries in Sydney’s west and maintaining Bondi’s iconic nightlife” in leaked documents that outline “world-first” features, including a “white lane” in place of the more traditional bus lane, which will enable couriers to reach clients within 20 minutes of receiving an order for a bag.

Additionally, drivers will be able to insert their E-Toll tag in a bum bag rather than fitting it to a car windscreen.

“We discovered that a number of couriers use rented vehicles in their Eastern run and this bum-tag-bag convenience ensures they can easily switch between a white Lexus or Range Rover,” a spokesperson said, noting that the new road will also benefit the “thousands” of people living in denial about their home address.

“Our research showed that a number of so-called Bondi locals were in fact residents of the western suburbs.”

Advertisements

Man Trapped in Health Food Store Overnight Forced to Eat Own Poo

HealthFood2

A Sydney man was forced to eat his own poo to make it through a night trapped inside a local health food emporium when staff locked the store up for the night without realising he was still inside.

The mishap occurred after the man rushed into the store to use the gender-neutral toilet and fell into an LSD-like trance on the stool pool thanks to the mystic incense burning within the restroom.

The man said he would have used the pub toilet like a normal person, but he didn’t feel like having the 50 or so guilt beers he was forced to down the last time a publican caught him popping in just to use the gents.
“When I came to after smelling colours and seeing sounds I’ve never tasted before, it was too late, and I was locked in the store with no phone charge,” the man said. “I tried to make it through the night with no food or water, but it was impossible. I had to do what anyone would do locked up in a place that only served loony health food, and dine on my own poo and wash it down with my own wee.”

The man said that unlike the way most odd foods are described, it certainly didn’t taste like chicken.

Unsmashed Avo Tipped to be Sydney’s Next Big Food Trend

NonSmashedAvo

A Bondi café has been awarded five chef’s hats and hailed as “fucking genius” for serving customers whole, unpeeled avocados on toast, a bold departure from smashed avo, which dominated global headlines throughout the year.

The chef said the new creation “aligns beautifully” with his philosophy of making whole foods whole again.

“Smashed avo was really just part of that ridiculous ‘deconstructed food’ trend, which is so 2017,” he said. “We wanted to ditch the fads and get back to basics for 2018. Our food is so wholesomely whole we don’t even peel off the little sticker that comes naturally from the tree.”

Sunday brunch fans have been lining up for the dish since 4am Wednesday morning, with many saying they’re willing to spend all the deposit their parents gave them for their first home on this culinary marvel.

Man had “Nothing to Wear” on Run this Morning

RunPestTwo

A Clovelly man is in danger of missing his daily run along the coastal path to Bondi this morning after realising he had “nothing to wear”, even though his closet was packed full of designer workout gear, joggers made by NASA and colour-coordinated drink bottles.

The man said he “just wasn’t feeling” any of his outfits.

“Nothing truly expressed my positively carefree yet dangerously focused running mood or went well with this morning’s lighting conditions,” the man said. “Naturally, everyone would be watching me, so I couldn’t just chuck any old thing on. One unflattering Aquabumps snap could set me back years of dedicated training.”

The man said if his emergency order from The Iconic doesn’t arrive, he will make up for today’s lack of training by spending an extra hour in the solarium and taking twice as many photos at Icebergs this afternoon than usual.

Secret to Being Cool Girl Who Eats Like a Man and Looks Like a Model Revealed

girl burger

The secret to being one of those cool girls who eats and drinks like a man but still looks like a Victoria’s Secret model is to only eat when cameras or people you want to impress are around, a blogger has revealed in a tell-all post.

Chloe, a model/blogger who shot to fame after becoming one of the first door bitches hired to maintain beauty standards on the Bondi to Coogee walk, said she was revealing her diet tips as a public service for “all those poor girls who just don’t understand how important it is to not only look amazing, but also to come across as someone who doesn’t even try”.

“Start by sinking a few beers with the boys while your girlfriends all sip vodka sodas, then be the first to finish a huge late-night kebab or greasy burger and chips, say how hungry you still are and casually slip in a comment about how you never go to the gym,” Chloe advises her followers. “After that, you just need to ensure you don’t eat again until the next group outing or Instagram opportunity – it’s that easy.”

To maintain your weight and image during busier socialising periods, such as the festive season, Chloe recommended switching from booze to cocaine in order to have “a valid Cool Girl excuse for not drinking or eating”.

Cooked Sashimi set to be Sydney’s Next Food Craze

fish and chips

Cooked sashimi is widely tipped to become Sydney’s hottest new food trend after a new Bondi Beach takeaway opened to rave reviews over the weekend.

“What we do is roll flake in batter and then boil it in oil,” the mastermind behind the venture said. “It’s like nothing you’ve ever tried before.”

Bloggers have been quick to embrace the new trend, with one reviewer dubbing it “the most significant culinary innovation since someone discovered avo could be smashed”.

“The master stroke was when they teamed the cooked sashimi with a delicious invention they’ve called ‘julienne potatoes’, which are also boiled in oil,” she said. “Then they serve everything wrapped in old newspaper, which is set to become as popular as the mason jar.”

The fish and chip shop next door is being sued for defamation after it suggested cooked sashimi might in fact be an overpriced version of the exact same thing it has been serving for the past 50 years.

Selfie Gym Opens in Bondi with Just Mirrors

Selfie Gym

Me First gym has opened in Bondi over the weekend providing locals with what the gym says is “none of the unnecessary exercise fads like weights and treadmills” to free up the space for thousands of mirrors covering every single surface for selfies.

“The most important part about exercise is letting everybody on social media know you’re doing it. So we’ve simply cut out the actual exercise part so people can get instant results,” said Me First spokesperson Chloe.

“My personal workout of bending in front of the mirror in tight pants received over 2000 likes on Facebook this morning.”

The gym will have personal trainers available to expertly show new members the best angles, filters and posses for maximum results. The gym also has several props like massive headphones, a yoga mat and a water bottle with water to use on request, should your selfie require it.

One happy member said “I love that there’s plenty of mirrors in the bathroom for my post-workout nose shake,” adding “It gives me the confidence to stroll the beach for the rest of the day acting like I own it.”