There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.
One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.
“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.
“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”
Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.
A Sydney man has undergone intense questioning this morning after he returned home from having “a few quiet ones with the boys” at 3 am smelling shower fresh.
The man’s wife said it was “obvious” he’d been to the hand-job hut that recently opened between their home and the local pub.
“Since that rub-and-tug shop popped up, he comes home smelling radioactively fresh after any outing that involves booze,” she said. “But the man is a grub no matter how much dishwashing liquid they disinfect him with.”
While the man managed not to crack under his wife’s interrogation, he responded to an email query from The Sydney Sentinel with: “just between you and me, mate, I did get some harmless fun on my way home”.
“It’s those damn music video clips they have playing in the pub,” he said. “They’re basically musical pornos. Even before this new joint opened up, there were already 28 brothels and 12 Thai massage parlours in the two blocks between my house and the pub. It’s hard enough to get past them all sober but try doing it with 780 or so schooners under the belt – it’s harder than the Ninja Warrior challenge.”
Men’s “harmless fun” has been proven to be the number-one cause of harm for Australian women for the 80th consecutive year, according to a CSIRO report.
A Sydney man who accomplished nothing over the weekend has woken up early this morning to brainstorm exciting stories to tell people at work when they ask what he got up to.
“I spent the entire weekend home alone boozing, playing video games and eating,” the man said. “People who leave the house make my weekend sound a bit pointless, so I thought I’d go in to work prepared with some fake stories of barbecues and Tinder dates to make me sound relevant. I even fake checked in to a restaurant over the weekend.”
The man isn’t alone, with 90 per cent of people inventing stories about their weekends to make themselves appear more normal and interesting to co-workers, according to a CSIRO study, which found that the entire exercise was based on the misconception that people who ask about colleagues’ weekends actually listen to the response.
“People can prevent weekend-performance anxiety by understanding that nobody cares what you did,” a CSIRO researcher said. “It’s a rhetorical question, like asking someone how their treatment is going.”
New Year’s Eve celebrations have disappointed people across the world for the 2,018th year in a row, with many revellers waking up with a jolt of fear early this morning.
One Sydney-sider described the evening as a lethal cocktail of hope, joy and festivity.
“Whenever I’m feeling good, things go really bad,” he said. “I suddenly think my life is okay, and I drop my guard to talk to people and dance. I might even have a drink, which quickly progresses to ketamine and kebab meat smeared over my naked body in a stranger’s apartment. When I’m sad I just stay at home and nothing goes wrong.”
Another woman from Sydney’s eastern suburbs agreed.
“Happiness brings out the worst in people,” she said. “You never see sad people going out making regrettable decisions like socialising or telling people the truth. Stuff like that will haunt you for the rest of the year.”
Scientists at the University of Penrith have confirmed the link between “happiness” and “terrible decisions”, recommending people reflect on how bad their lives really are before leaving the house to celebrate.
A Sydney firm has lost its entire workforce after a Christmas party gone wrong led to a mass firing for charges including public nudity, drug importation and firearms possession.
“Sixteen of us were sacked before lunch,” one former staff member said. “In hindsight, kicking off with the 12 shots of Christmas at 9:15am was a poor idea from management.”
Another former employee said he was axed in the second bout of layoffs made later the same day. “I made it to about 4pm before I was let go for asking a female colleague to pull my trouser bon-bon,” he said. “My boss was then sacked for pulling it.”
Multiple divorces, amputations and home repossessions have also been reported in the wake of what bankers at a nearby function described as “actually a pretty tame Christmas party”.