Workers Return from Holidays Feeling Refreshed Hatred for their Jobs

Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.

One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.

“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”

One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.

“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.

Advertisements

Boss Sends Text Reminding Everyone the Weekend is Almost Over

DickheadBoss

The boss of a medium-sized Sydney business has taken the opportunity to deepen his employees’ already dark Sunday sads by sending a group text message reminding them their weekend is drying up.

The deflating message read: Just a reminder your weekend is almost fineto and you’ll be back on my time tomorrow morning. I hope you didn’t waste your days off as I’m going to need you at 120% for the big week ahead. Do get an early night so you’re ready to go bright and early… and please leave what you did on the weekend at the door. Ta.

One employee described his boss as a massive dickhead.

“He’s a massive dickhead,” the man said. “Since he has no mates, family or even a good local hand-job hut, the man just stews at home all weekend hanging for Monday. He’s kind of like a werewolf, except he gets his powers from the fluorescent office lighting rather than the moon.”

Reports say at least two employees are planning to make a mockery of the office toilet tomorrow morning to show their displeasure.

Man Prepares Stories for ‘How was your Weekend?’ Questions at Work

weekendstories

A Sydney man who accomplished nothing over the weekend has woken up early this morning to brainstorm exciting stories to tell people at work when they ask what he got up to.

“I spent the entire weekend home alone boozing, playing video games and eating,” the man said. “People who leave the house make my weekend sound a bit pointless, so I thought I’d go in to work prepared with some fake stories of barbecues and Tinder dates to make me sound relevant. I even fake checked in to a restaurant over the weekend.”

The man isn’t alone, with 90 per cent of people inventing stories about their weekends to make themselves appear more normal and interesting to co-workers, according to a CSIRO study, which found that the entire exercise was based on the misconception that people who ask about colleagues’ weekends actually listen to the response.

“People can prevent weekend-performance anxiety by understanding that nobody cares what you did,” a CSIRO researcher said. “It’s a rhetorical question, like asking someone how their treatment is going.”

Horror Start for Monday Morning as Boss Joins Man at Urinal

urinalboss

A lowly CBD office worker has had the worst start possible to the working week he’d been dreading since awakening at 2pm Sunday afternoon, when his boss struck up a conversation while using an adjacent urinal first thing Monday morning.

“It was agony,” the victim said. “Our office urinals don’t even have those little trough-mist shields between stations, so stage fright kicked in the moment I was hit with steaming wee shrapnel – and things never resumed.”

The fact that there were plenty of free urinals that weren’t directly next to the victim made it particularly uncomfortable, the man said.

“He chose to use the one right next to me and say crude things about the women in the office. One of those women is my wife and if what he said was true, I’ll be asking for the same service when we get home.”

The standoff was said to last seven minutes as the office worker tried everything to squeeze out even just a few drops as his boss watched on.

The man plans to abandon the urinal all together and use the privacy of a fully enclosed poo cubical from now on.

Man Wastes Sickie Feeling Anxious About Taking Sickie

A Sydney man has wasted his sick day today feeling bad about taking the sickie in which he planned in advance with well-timed coughs in front of his boss yesterday afternoon.

“I started to get anxious about it around 9:04 this morning,” the man said. “Instead of simply enjoying having the house all to myself and masturbating in rooms that are usually off limits, I ended up just pacing around the joint in a state of paranoia.”

What’s worse, he added, is that this isn’t the first time it’s happened.

“I actually got an ulcer from all the worry last time I took a sickie. Next time I’ll make sure I have some Valium handy so I can actually feel well enough to enjoy my sick day.”

The man has said that he will likely be forced to take a day of stress leave tomorrow to get over the ordeal.