Poor Kids on Santa’s Naughty List for 4,000th Year Straight

SantaList

Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.

“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”

One rich kid who received an iPhone X, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.

“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”

Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2018.

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Australia Post Claims Wrongly Delivered Mail Result of Nationwide Secret Santa Program

AusPostXmas

Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.

“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”

The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.

“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”

Winfield Launches Optimum Ice Crush cigarettes

MethBlast

Winfield has described its new Optimum Ice Crush darts as “smokes for a new generation” at a product launch today.

The durry features the similar NASA-developed technology as the brand’s Optimum Crush product, which contains a crushable mint pellet that releases a menthol-like taste from first to last drag.

A spokesperson said evolving the popular line was a no-brainer.

“Kids already love the icy-freshness of Optimum Crush, so adding a more exciting type of ice with Optimum Ice Crush was a logical next step,” he said, adding that it’s “perfect for those wanting to take the edge off and on at the same time”.

Smokers praised the decision.

“As a gentleman who enjoys both a ciggie and a shard, this superhero team-up works as well as Batman and Superman,” one 14-year-old said.

Optimum Ice Crush will be sold in packs of one and are said to provide days of enjoyment.

Blacktown Thrilled to be Awarded Top Spot for Dole Bludgers

DOLE BLUDGERS

The government today released a list of Australia’s top spots for dole bludging, with Blacktown being named as the number one town in NSW for not going to work yet expecting to be paid.

“We’re stoked to be awarded first place,” one Blacktown local and welfare lover said.

“Blacktown’s been doing it tough lately, and I think being number one in something will really give those in the community a reason to put their shoulders back and walk tall into Centrelink.”

The town will be holding a ticker tape parade tonight to celebrate their achievement.

One local told The Sydney Sentinel that even though he will be marching under the “compo claim” banner, his fake injury wouldn’t stop him from marching tonight unless he can’t be bothered to turn up.

More to come as the residents of Blacktown wake up this afternoon to hear the news…

Leak of Unedited Cigarette Health Warning Photo Raises Questions

Leak of Unedited Cigarette Health Warning Photo Raises Questions

Cig packs

Questions over the authenticity of a photo used by the government to warn of the ill effects of smoking have been raised after an unedited version of the image was leaked.

The unedited image shows a healthy man enjoying a lovely day at the beach with someone else’s children, rather than lying in a morgue dead, as seen in the heavily edited version used on cigarette warning labels.

A government health spokesperson has called for calm, assuring the public that the man had been killed as soon as the photo shoot on the beach was finished and that “no duplicity has taken place”.

“The man who appeared in the image told us he smoked a cigarette back in the ’80s and twice in the ’90s,” the spokesperson said. “And since we choose him to star in the campaign for this reason, and we killed him afterwards to ensure the authenticity of our warning label, we can technically say he died because of smoking.”

ATO Official’s Son Shamed for Only Stealing $165m

TAX FB

The son of deputy ATO commissioner Michael Cranston has publicly embarrassed himself and his family after being caught stealing just $165 million from Australian tax payers.

Speaking from his luxury yacht, an ATO spokesman described the alleged thief as “a disappointment”.

“I would’ve expected someone with that sort of inside knowledge to steal at least a trillion or three,” he said. “$165 million is House of Representatives sort of numbers. To get caught stealing such a small amount will bring shame on his whole family.”

Early reports from legal experts indicate that the man’s public shaming will be taken into account during the prosecution, with some suggesting he could avoid jail time altogether.

“I think he’s been punished enough,” one judge said. “He deserves a chance to redeem himself and be caught later in his career with a more impressive resume of fraud. He’s far too young and connected to be punished for this one mishap. And we need to think of what the family’s going through – this is the equivalent of Shane Warne’s son being bad at bowling.”

Government officials expressed surprise at the arrest.

“We didn’t even mean for anyone to get caught in this investigation, so I have no idea how he managed to get caught; it’s a true mystery,” a spokesperson said. “But public servants should take note of this and act immediately.”

The 13 other men caught in the investigation who did not have family connections were sentenced to life in prison without trial.

NYE Disappoints for the 2,017th Year in a Row

nyeSAD

New Year’s Eve celebrations have disappointed people across the world for the 2,017th year in a row, with many revellers waking up with a jolt of fear early this morning.

One Sydney-sider described the evening as a lethal cocktail of hope, joy and festivity.

“Whenever I’m feeling good, things go really bad,” he said. “I suddenly think my life is okay, and I drop my guard to talk to people and dance. I might even have a drink, which quickly progresses to ketamine and kebab meat smeared over my naked body in a stranger’s apartment. When I’m sad I just stay at home and nothing goes wrong.”

Another woman from Sydney’s eastern suburbs agreed.

“Happiness brings out the worst in people,” she said. “You never see sad people going out making regrettable decisions like socialising or telling people the truth. Stuff like that will haunt you for the rest of the year.”

Scientists at the University of Penrith have confirmed the link between “happiness” and “terrible decisions”, recommending people reflect on how bad their lives really are before leaving the house to celebrate.