There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
Billions of Sydneysiders have returned to work today feeling refreshed hatred for their jobs after experiencing two weeks of life outside the office.
One man said he’d always known going to work was “balls”, but that after enjoying such luxuries as seeing his wife and kids and eating lunch away from his keyboard over the Christmas break, he’d realised just how bad his working life was.
“The holidays showed me that life could actually be rather good if you removed the work bit,” he said. “My hatred for what I do and the people I do it with has been fully reinvigorated over the break.”
One woman said she’d spent the last fortnight of her two-week break in a constant panic attack, fearing her return to the office.
“The only thing getting me through is that there are only 50 weeks to go until next Christmas,” she said.
Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.
“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”
One rich kid who received an iPhone Xs, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.
“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”
Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2019.
Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.
“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”
The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.
“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”
Winfield has described its new Optimum Ice Crush darts as “smokes for a new generation” at a product launch today.
The durry features the similar NASA-developed technology as the brand’s Optimum Crush product, which contains a crushable mint pellet that releases a menthol-like taste from first to last drag.
A spokesperson said evolving the popular line was a no-brainer.
“Kids already love the icy-freshness of Optimum Crush, so adding a more exciting type of ice with Optimum Ice Crush was a logical next step,” he said, adding that it’s “perfect for those wanting to take the edge off and on at the same time”.
Smokers praised the decision.
“As a gentleman who enjoys both a ciggie and a shard, this superhero team-up works as well as Batman and Superman,” one 14-year-old said.
Optimum Ice Crush will be sold in packs of one and are said to provide days of enjoyment.
A man died from category-12 shock in front of his computer today after actually receiving the “bobs and vagene pics” he had asked a stranger to send him.
A friend of the man said he was just a harmless sex pest who would be missed.
“He always started out innocently enough with a ‘hi butiful’ or ‘helo deer’,” his friend said. “But he soon came across too thirsty and said things like ‘send me nakde pic snow you bitch lasagna’ or ‘I want to kiss your vagana for 2 hrs and then put my 1 feet pinus in ur vegana u will happy’, which usually turned people off.”
Another acquaintance said that at least the man had died believing he was at the top of his game.
“He kept seeing screenshots of his conversations online, so he thought he must have been killing it,” the man said. “However, pride soon turned to anxiety as he was worried other men would steal his social-media pooner poetry. So, he went even harder on the attack.”
The woman who sent the pics is being charged with murder.
Dr Google is being recognised as the world’s most efficient medical professional, after figures were revealed indicating it has diagnosed more cases of cancer than all other doctors combined.
Patients, who have been diagnosed with various types of cancer after researching symptoms such as a mild headache, unwanted erection or hangover, say conventional doctors just can’t keep up.
One man, whose Dr Google diagnosis came nine years before any other doctors spotted signs of anything wrong, described the search engine as “a marvel of modern medicine”.
“I was just trying to look up the method for boiling an egg when Dr Google told me I had cancer,” he said. “I’ve been trying to convince other doctors ever since and no one would listen to me, but they’ve finally just spotted a suspicious-looking tumour in my left nut, so who’s laughing now?”
People diagnosed with cancer by Dr Google have been advised that the best treatment method is posting a brave yet raunchy photo of yourself along with 1 like = 1 prayer on Facebook.