No More Long Hikes with Tight-arse Mates Trying to Avoid ATM Fees


Huge expeditions with tight-arse mates to find their bank’s ATM are set to become a thing of the past, with Australia’s big four banks all ditching ATM fees today.

“This will allow the boys to stay in the same beer garden for an entire afternoon,” one man said. “My tight-arse mates only ever get $20 from the ATM and it’s obvious to anyone who knows basic beer maths that it doesn’t make sense to pay a $2-plus fee for that withdrawal, so we always have to pull up stumps and move on after every round. This destroys all momentum for anyone who’s had some luck with a bird.”

However, experts have warned that of unexpected consequences, with obesity rates set to balloon.

“I’m not sure how I’m going to stay fit any more,” one friend of a tight-arse said. “A walk to another suburb or state to find a fee-less ATM between pubs always helped burn off a schoon or two.”

To make up for lost profits, the big four banks plan to charge a $90 fee for logging onto internet banking.


iPhones Flat Out Lying About Having 30% Battery Left


iPhones everywhere have been caught lying to their owners about how much battery charge they have, with many users being left with a dead smartphone within minutes of the battery measurement appearing as 30%, which has led to several people being hospitalised with social media withdrawal.

An Apple spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that Siri is to blame, and that the artificial intelligence finds it funny to leave users stuck without a phone on a night out, when trying to form an opinion, or when cheating in pub trivia.

“I had to put off going to the toilet for six hours as my iPhone died mid-afternoon,” one victim said. “There was no way I was going into the stall without reading material, so I had to attempt to hold it in until I got home from work. I ended up making an executive decision to simply relieve myself at my cubical to be safe.”

Siri has already been under investigation since an incident last year that saw many government officials left stranded in the Canberra suburb of Fishwick for days on end without being able to contact their wives, with some opting to wait out the situation in a Thai Massage Parlour until they were rescued or their tax-payer-funded credit card ran dry.

“After watching the documentary The Terminator, we’re not mucking about with this sort of thing,” a government spokesperson said. “When artificial intelligence lies more than we do in Canberra, you know we have a very serious problem.”