Proud Parents Make it through End-of-year School Assembly without Drugs or Alcohol


The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.

“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”

The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.

“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.


Local Man Butchers Unexpected Tricky Words while Reading Children’s Book Out Loud


A Sydney man has had his self-confidence shattered after discovering he couldn’t pronounce about 50 words in a children’s picture book he was reading aloud at his girlfriend’s family gathering.

After bombing a dozen or so challenging words, the man said he simply began replacing them with something easier or skipped the stumpers completely.

“I thought I’d get some bonus points with my girlfriend for reading the kid’s a book, but it backfired big time, with one dodgy-looking uncle asking if I was retarded and some four-year-old genius encouraging me to try sounding the big words out,” he said.

The man is not alone, according to the Reading Writing Hotline, which receives hundreds of calls from distressed aunties, uncles and other folks who take an L when attempting to read a picture book to children at a social gathering.

“Most young adults haven’t read anything more than the odd TAB guide since leaving school,” a spokesperson for the Reading Writing Hotline said. “We recommend they stick to more practical ways of impressing kids, like starting a game of cricket or getting blind drunk.”

Pauline Hanson Discovers Topic More Controversial than Race


One Nation senator Pauline Hanson has expressed relief today after discovering her call for autistic children to be removed from classrooms was met with widespread outrage.

“I thought I was losing my touch,” she said. “Comments about race just don’t get that kind of reaction anymore, so it’s reassuring to know people still get fired up about children with disabilities.”

Experts have described Hanson as “the ultimate barometer” for Australian opinion.

“Nothing gives a more accurate read on what people really care about,” one political forecaster said. “The leaked tapes about the party plane have been quickly forgotten about, but I predict she’s onto a real winner with the disabled children.”

Married Man with Kids Stoked to be Back at Work After Weekend

A Sydney man with two young children is ecstatic to be back at work today after yet another gruelling weekend spent with his wife and kids, he has admitted in an exclusive interview with The Sydney Sentinel.

A typical weekend for the man involves being yelled at for missing “Fun Family Friday” when he comes home late after having just 16 beers and a few lines with colleagues, attending up to 12 kids’ sporting events from 6 am Saturday and at least 26 kids’ birthday parties on Sunday, and enjoying “quality time” watching romantic comedies with his wife.

“I hate the weekend,” the man said. “Work is such a bludge compared to being forced to spend time with your own wife and kids. I often stay back late or just hide at a pub on weeknights so I’m home after the kids have gone to bed.”

The man said coming home late had the added benefit of earning him a little bit of sympathy and respect.

“My wife thinks I’m such a hard worker, when, in reality, I spend most of my work day on the toilet, on Facebook or wondering what I’m meant to be doing,” he said.

The man is just one of the millions of men around Australia silently suffering through life.

Childless Woman Admits She Really is Just Selfish


A Sydney woman who openly admits to planning not to have children despite the fact she is biologically capable of doing so has spoken out, saying she’s sick of trying to hide her selfish nature.

“I just really want to focus on my career, volunteer work and being a good friend, aunt and daughter to my own obviously non-selfish mother,” she said, adding that a number of well-meaning relatives had ensured she was made fully aware that this choice would be a waste of her “childbearing hips” and mean she would “never experience true love or happiness”.

“I know it’s very self-centered not to want to contribute to global overpopulation issues or have children of my own despite the fact there are so many in state care,” she said. “But I do my best to make up for it by paying taxes to help support schools, single-parent pensions and maternity leave, and by babysitting for friends and family.”

The comments came in the wake of a statement recently issued by a Sydney-based taxi company, claiming it was doing its best to tackle exactly this kind of “rampant selfishness in women, which is particularly noticeable among those who live or work in the inner city”.