Poor kids are simply not as nice as their wealthy counterparts, it has been proven once again this morning, with children from low-income families receiving far fewer presents than those from rich families.
“Santa couldn’t be clearer on the issue; if you’re on the nice list you get the good presents and lots of them, if you’re on the naughty list, you’re lucky to get a firm backhander,” a professor of Christmas at Penrith University said. “It just goes to show, kids who come from poorer families must simply be naughty and have low morals.”
One rich kid who received an iPhone X, a couple of Bitcoins and a Sale of the Century diamond stick pin said Santa mustn’t be able to see behind the dunnies at school.
“I spent all year skipping class and punching snow cones behind the gents, so I’ve got no idea how I got such a big haul,” he said. “Maybe there’s some sort of Santa pedo clause that stops him keeping an eye on children around bathrooms and such.”
Government officials have advised children from poorer families to pull their socks up, if they own any, and try not to be such terrible people in 2018.
Australia Post has been deliberately sending the wrong mail to people across the country for years as part of a top-secret nationwide secret Santa program, according to a statement released by the company’s PR team today.
“We’ve been secretly bringing the magic of Christmas to people all throughout the year for as long as we can remember,” the statement reads. “Some people complain because they think we’re mixing up packages by accident, but we also get a lot of happy customers who love the surprises they receive.”
The statement describes how one man who’d been expecting a book from his mum called 12 steps to living drug-free was delighted when he instead received a box of MDMA from the dark web.
“This man is just one of many winners,” the statement says. “We make a list of deliveries and check it twice, then we burn it and just send the parcels wherever we feel like taking them. Another thing we love to do is send Christmas presents out a few months late. Everyone gets presents on December 25 so it’s a lot more special and unexpected to instead get them in June.”
Chemists are taking advantage of today’s spike in Christmas-party hangovers by charging dull-eyed customers up to $300 for a single tablet of Berocca.
One office worker who has yet to go to bed after enjoying “a few beers” at his Christmas party, which began yesterday morning and continued on into the afternoon, evening and then morning again, said he was being exploited by his local pharmacy.
“They’re the worst type of drug dealers,” the bloody-nosed man said. “But with my only other option being cutting my head off to dull the pain, I had to pay up.”
Another office workers who overdid things by a Penrith mile said he refused to pay his legal drug dealer for the mild relief.
“I’m just going to keep drinking and never stop,” he said. “That way I’ll never have a hangover again.”
Shares in Berocca tablets are set to rival the rise of cryptocurrency Bitcoin, according to early reports.
It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas.
One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about.
“I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port before the event even started to sand down the corners a bit,” he said. “I started with joking-yet-deadly-serious quips about whose nose was thirsty, but I ended up just straight out asking ‘do you have some cocaine for me to smell with my nose?’.”
Staffers who came packing bagged heat said the tension was even worse for them.
“About 12 people followed every time I went to the bathroom attempting to get a nose bite,” one man said. “It was like when the fish are on, and you have to hide behind a rock to bait your hook.”
Management of the company said it would try to avoid the tension next year by bumping the Kris Kringle limit to $300 and hoping everyone gets the idea of what to buy each other.
A father of three from Sydney is still at the wicket in a family game of backyard cricket that began on Christmas Day.
The man’s kids have fought through skin-crackling sunburn, life-threatening splinters from jumping the neighbours’ fence to retrieve the ball, and crude sledges about their mum, said the eldest son.
“He’s been smashing us across the backyard for three days now,” he said. “It’s been gruelling and he shows no sign of slowing down. I think the new Stubbies he got for Christmas have freed up his movement to make shots that border on sorcery.”
“It’s bloody annoying,” said the man’s wife. “He’s called Channel 9 to see if they’d like to televise the game.”
“He keeps calling me a poof,” said the youngest son. “My boyfriend is finding it really uncomfortable.”
The kids plan on kneecapping their dad if the game continues for another day.
A Sydney firm has lost its entire workforce after a Christmas party gone wrong led to a mass firing for charges including public nudity, drug importation and firearms possession.
“Sixteen of us were sacked before lunch,” one former staff member said. “In hindsight, kicking off with the 12 shots of Christmas at 9:15am was a poor idea from management.”
Another former employee said he was axed in the second bout of layoffs made later the same day. “I made it to about 4pm before I was let go for asking a female colleague to pull my trouser bon-bon,” he said. “My boss was then sacked for pulling it.”
Multiple divorces, amputations and home repossessions have also been reported in the wake of what bankers at a nearby function described as “actually a pretty tame Christmas party”.