Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

Sydney’s Lockout Laws Create the Three o’ Clock Swill

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Sydney’s lockout laws have fuelled nightly hours-long speed-drinking sessions as people race to get as drunk as possible before bars and clubs close at 3am.

Historians have dubbed it “a marathon version” of the six o’ clock swill that existed from 1916 to 1955, when Sydney-siders pickled themselves into oblivion in the hour between finishing work at 5pm and the pub closing at 6pm.

Medics are calling for the lockout laws to be reviewed, noting that stampedes during last drinks in Sydney bars are “far more deadly” than coward punches.

“It’s a joke,” said one keen moderate drinker. “After having a few at home when I wake up in the arvo, hitting the pre-drinks at Dave’s, taking a longneck traveller to the pub, doing a few rounds with the boys, then doing shots at a nightclub, there’s barely time to even get a buzz before the 3am close – let alone smash $500 through Big Red or get a lappie.”

Pubs and clubs are taking the issue seriously, installing urinals and commode stools at the bar and intravenous beer taps in VIP rooms.

Politicians have promised to review the lockout laws as soon as the pubs and clubs near their recently purchased Kings Cross apartments close down.

NRL Talent Scouts Switch From Junior Clubs to Nightclubs

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In a bold new move to find the next superstars of rugby league, NRL talent scouts have switched their focus from the junior club scene to the nightclub scene.

“To be the best at rugby league you have to be the best at drinking, it’s as simple as that,” an NRL spokesperson said. “It makes total sense for us to flip our tactics and find the best drinkers first – we can focus on less important abilities, such as ball skills, later.”

The spokesperson added that he signed 170 future stars in just one night at the Coogee Bay Hotel and was even considering recruiting himself after realising he knocked back “60 or so rum and Cokes” in the process.

Pokies by The Sea to Compete with Sculpture by The Sea

Maroubra council is set to launch Pokies by the Sea, a new beach-side exhibition designed to rival the hugely popular Sculpture by the Sea event currently taking place along the coastal path between Bondi to Bronte.

Organisers have promised to include “all the classic titles, such as Big Red and More Chilli” in the exhibition, which will line the coastal path from north to south Maroubra.

Critics have praised the move as “genius”, with one expert describing the exhibition as “an interactive experience that invites the everyman to appreciate art”.

There will be more than 400 sculptures lining the coastline, complete with bar and ATM facilities.