There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas.
One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about.
“I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port before the event even started to sand down the corners a bit,” he said. “I started with joking-yet-deadly-serious quips about whose nose was thirsty, but I ended up just straight out asking ‘do you have some cocaine for me to smell with my nose?’.”
Staffers who came packing bagged heat said the tension was even worse for them.
“About 12 people followed every time I went to the bathroom attempting to get a nose bite,” one man said. “It was like when the fish are on, and you have to hide behind a rock to bait your hook.”
Management of the company said it would try to avoid the tension next year by bumping the Kris Kringle limit to $300 and hoping everyone gets the idea of what to buy each other.
The controversial WestConnex motorway project has been secretly extended to create an express route from Sydney’s western suburbs to Bondi Beach after researchers found it was the journey most frequently made by “private couriers”, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal.
The extension, dubbed the “drug super high way”, is described as “key to both ensuring the financial future of one of the biggest industries in Sydney’s west and maintaining Bondi’s iconic nightlife” in leaked documents that outline “world-first” features, including a “white lane” in place of the more traditional bus lane, which will enable couriers to reach clients within 20 minutes of receiving an order for a bag.
Additionally, drivers will be able to insert their E-Toll tag in a bum bag rather than fitting it to a car windscreen.
“We discovered that a number of couriers use rented vehicles in their Eastern run and this bum-tag-bag convenience ensures they can easily switch between a white Lexus or Range Rover,” a spokesperson said, noting that the new road will also benefit the “thousands” of people living in denial about their home address.
“Our research showed that a number of so-called Bondi locals were in fact residents of the western suburbs.”
A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.
One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.
“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.
“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”
Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.
A snortable version of paracetamol designed to appeal to the headache-prone millennial market is set to launch in chemists nationally next month, big pharma has announced.
The move has been met with mild enthusiasm from the youth market, which experts say indicates that they are wildly excited about the idea.
“I get a steaming hangover nearly every morning, but instead of old-fashioned stuff like paracetamol, I usually go straight for the Xanax or oxycodone,” mumbled one Sydney youngster enjoying life to the fullest. “But I’d deffo do a few lines of paracetamol if I could get a snortable version.”
If sales take off, injectable and smokable versions of paracetamol will be added to the youth-branded range of over-the-counter pain relief later this year.
The amount of cocaine found on banknotes circulating Bondi is now worth more than the money itself, new research has shown.
Bondi banknotes carry so much cocaine they are now officially classed as narcotics in their own right, prompting many in the fashionable suburb to simply eat banknotes on a night out instead of swapping them for the drug, a NSW Police Narcotics Connoisseur told The Sydney Sentinel.
“It’s hard to police,” he said. “Bondi banknotes look much the same as any other Australian currency, so standard wallet inspections don’t cut it. We’ve had to resort to confiscating all money found on any person in Bondi who appears to be having a nice time.”
Bondi police have confiscated more than $800,000 worth of possible drug money in the past hour alone, and promise not to sleep until the problem comes down.
New Year’s Eve celebrations have disappointed people across the world for the 2,018th year in a row, with many revellers waking up with a jolt of fear early this morning.
One Sydney-sider described the evening as a lethal cocktail of hope, joy and festivity.
“Whenever I’m feeling good, things go really bad,” he said. “I suddenly think my life is okay, and I drop my guard to talk to people and dance. I might even have a drink, which quickly progresses to ketamine and kebab meat smeared over my naked body in a stranger’s apartment. When I’m sad I just stay at home and nothing goes wrong.”
Another woman from Sydney’s eastern suburbs agreed.
“Happiness brings out the worst in people,” she said. “You never see sad people going out making regrettable decisions like socialising or telling people the truth. Stuff like that will haunt you for the rest of the year.”
Scientists at the University of Penrith have confirmed the link between “happiness” and “terrible decisions”, recommending people reflect on how bad their lives really are before leaving the house to celebrate.