Switching Coffee for Chamomile Tea Helps You Care Even Less About Work

Sleepy

A new study has shown that switching your morning coffee to chamomile tea decreases your motivation dramatically and helps you cruise through the work day easier.

One advertising account manager said she felt the benefits instantly.

“I used to reach for a coffee first thing in the morning to help shake off the existential dread I felt about going to work, but I had it all wrong,” she said. “By switching to chamomile tea my care factor remains low and I can have a successful day being unproductive. Yesterday I had a snooze in the disabled dunny.”

Another worker who had also made the switch said it helps him prioritise what’s important in life.

“Stuff being wide awake on work’s time,” the surgeon said. “Now I have a coffee at about 5pm and by the time I get home I’m ready to play PUBG all night. My kill-death ratio has gone way up on both fronts.”

Local pubs are cashing in on the trend to stay demotivated during work hours by moving their happy hours to the morning.

Advertisements

Sydney Cafes Outdo Melbourne Cafe’s “Sircharge” for Men by Charging Everyone Extra

CAFE

Sydney cafe owners have dismissed a Melbourne cafe’s bid to address the gender pay gap by charging men an additional 18 per cent as a “stunt”, noting that true equality means ripping off everyone equally.

“We’ve always insisted on charging everyone as much as possible,” one Sydney cafe owner said. “But to prove just how dedicated to equality we are, we’ll now be demanding all our customers pay an additional 18 per cent.”

Cafe owners in Canberra have also waded into the debate, saying that the city would avoid taking a real stand and maintain its reputation for being the perfect middle ground by charging customers a 9.5 per cent increase.

Joe Hockey has chimed in with a solution that echoes his advice for young people struggling to enter the property market.

“This whole situation could’ve been avoided if women would just get jobs that pay more,” he said.

Hospital Coffee Machine with a Beard takes out Coffee Festival Prize

Coffee beard

A coffee machine with a beard has been awarded first prize at Sydney’s annual Hot Beverages and Biscuits Festival.

Dr Nonstrife, a spokesperson for Maroubra General Hospital, where the machine is located, said he only put the beard on the machine for a bit of a laugh, but decided to enter it into the competition after discovering that the addition improved the taste of the coffee buy at least 400 per cent.

“We have no idea how it happened, but the beard really did improve the machine’s ability to spit out a cappuccino, be ironic and think of itself as unique – despite the fact we have the same machine on every level of the hospital,” Dr Nonstrife said. “It’s been especially popular with the folk coming in for avo hand injuries.”

A nurse at the hospital said she didn’t understand what all the fuss was about, but was grateful that the funds raised meant the hospital might soon be able to pay her a living wage.

“When we jacked up the price to $12 we had lines out the door wanting to taste the machine’s bearded magic,” she said. “As somebody with things to do, instant coffee does me fine. Maybe if I had a trust fund or a job that didn’t matter, I’d have more appreciation for the finer things in life.”

A spokesperson for the Hot Beverages and Biscuits festival said the machine nailed it.

“We’re used to a belittling quip from talented baristas first thing in the morning, but this machine took things one step further and ignored us completely. It was spellbinding,” he said.

The machine is back on location at Maroubra General Hospital, now sporting a “funny hat” and a “shirt featuring a band you’ve never heard of”. Coffee prices are set to rise accordingly.