A father of three from Sydney is still at the wicket in a family game of backyard cricket that began on Christmas Day.
The man’s kids have fought through skin-crackling sunburn, life-threatening splinters from jumping the neighbours’ fence to retrieve the ball, and crude sledges about their mum, said the eldest son.
“He’s been smashing us across the backyard for three days now,” he said. “It’s been gruelling and he shows no sign of slowing down. I think the new Stubbies he got for Christmas have freed up his movement to make shots that border on sorcery.”
“It’s bloody annoying,” said the man’s wife. “He’s called Channel 9 to see if they’d like to televise the game.”
“He keeps calling me a poof,” said the youngest son. “My boyfriend is finding it really uncomfortable.”
The kids plan on kneecapping their dad if the game continues for another day.
Test cricket is set to introduce new rules allowing bowlers to tackle batsman running between wickets, with batsman able to defend themselves using their bat.
Dubbed Ultimate Fighting Cricket (UFC), the revised game is a bid to modernise the sport, a Cricket Australia spokesperson said.
“Cricket has gotten a bit dull when you compare it to other sports like regular UFC or World of Warcraft,” he said. “Kids these days want blood, and we’re going to give it to them.”
Along with the new rule allowing tackling, a batsman can now be dismissed by a groin shot (AKA third-leg-before-wicket), giving bowlers further incentive to draw blood for the thirsty crowd.
“What a brilliant idea,” one cricket fan said. “The white clothing will really show off the blood stains on TV.” Another fan said the new rules were “overdue” and that “backyard players have been doing this for years”.
If UFC proves successful, officials will introduce a cage-match format next season.
Cricket legend Shane Warne has called for calm after reports over the weekend that sightings of scary-looking clowns, similar to incidents in the United States in recent months, have now spread to Australia.
“I can understand the confusion but I didn’t mean to scare anyone,” he said. “I was just heading home after a big weekend on whatever I could get my hands, lungs, and nose on.”
Warne added that he didn’t even realise he was scaring people until he connected the dots between some “epic benders” and the suburb names and dates of reported clown sightings in New South Wales, Victoria and Queensland.
“The zinc does smudge a bit after a dozen tins,” he said.