A Sydney cyclist has managed to shake his head clean off his body this morning while attempting to show his annoyance to those walking slowly on the busy CBD footpath he was belting down.
Those who witnessed the self-decapitation said it was pretty funny.
“He was weaving down the footpath tisking, dinging his bell and violently shaking his head all at the same time,” one pedestrian said. “If he just stuck to bell ringing or even gentle swearing like a regular cyclist he might have still had a head to shake at people on his ride home. Anyway, sucked in to the pest.”
The cyclist is somehow still alive and recovering in hospital, despite no longer having a head.
“At least without a head I’ll be breathing out less planet-harming carbon dioxide,” the cyclist said through an electrolarynx connected to his neck stump. “I can now proudly judge anyone with a head as a backwards redneck planet killer.”
The man said he’ll be adding “and head” to his “one less car” sticker.
Hipsters have been vandalising oBikes across Sydney out of anger that the share bikes are making cycling more accessible and mainstream.
“People can’t just pay a half-hour fee and become one of us,” one furious hipster said. “These frauds even have multiple gears!”
Angry hipsters have justified the vandalism, noting that the bikes, often left in messy clumps or stranded in strange places, are an eyesore.
“These bikes make our streets look ugly in a non-fashionable way,” one woman with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper said. “None of these so-called bikes are in pastel colours or even have baskets.”
Another hipster, also with purple hair, clear-framed glasses and a vintage Coogi jumper, rubbished the clone-like design of the bikes.
“They all look the same,” she said. “Bikes should be an extension of yourself, not simply an affordable mode of public transport.”
An oBike spokesperson said they plan on installing vintage Spokey Dokeys from the ’80s on all their bikes in an attempt to win hipsters over.
Angry cycling groups have called for a pedestrian registration program to be rolled out across Sydney following complaints of pedestrian misconduct causing cyclists to have to slow down on footpaths and stop at zebra crossings.
“Pedestrians have had it their way on the footpath for far too long,” said one keen cyclist. “A licensing system means I’d be able to spend my nights identifying slow or erratic walkers from my Go-Pro footage and report them straight to police or my dad.”
A NSW government spokesperson said the new proposal “makes sense” and is much more fair than the cycling lobby’s original proposal to “ban pedestrians all together”.
“I think a simple licence plate around the neck for pedestrians is a fashionable and intelligent solution to help cyclist-everybody-else relations,” he said.