A Sydney man with two young children is ecstatic to be back at work today after yet another gruelling weekend spent with his wife and kids, he has admitted in an exclusive interview with The Sydney Sentinel.
A typical weekend for the man involves being yelled at for missing “Fun Family Friday” when he comes home late after having just 16 beers and a few lines with colleagues, attending up to 12 kids’ sporting events from 6 am Saturday and at least 26 kids’ birthday parties on Sunday, and enjoying “quality time” watching romantic comedies with his wife.
“I hate the weekend,” the man said. “Work is such a bludge compared to being forced to spend time with your own wife and kids. I often stay back late or just hide at a pub on weeknights so I’m home after the kids have gone to bed.”
The man said coming home late had the added benefit of earning him a little bit of sympathy and respect.
“My wife thinks I’m such a hard worker, when, in reality, I spend most of my work day on the toilet, on Facebook or wondering what I’m meant to be doing,” he said.
The man is just one of the millions of men around Australia silently suffering through life.
A local dad has given up pretending he will take the Christmas tree down, finally admitting to his family that it’s staying up ‘till next December, even if it smells like rotting anus.
After originally telling his wife he’d take the tree down on Boxing Day, then New Year’s Day, Australia Day and then Valentine’s Day, he broke down, admitting it was never going to happen and the family was just going to have to live with it.
“You’d think they be happy,” the man said. “We now have a designated place to have family arguments all year round, rather just on Christmas Day.”
He admitted he likely should have gone a fake tree, noting that he could skewer a full-sized doner kebab on one of the tree’s dried-up pine needles.
“In fact, I might do that, get back in the good books with the family,” he said.
A father of three from Sydney is still at the wicket in a family game of backyard cricket that began on Christmas Day.
The man’s kids have fought through skin-crackling sunburn, life-threatening splinters from jumping the neighbours’ fence to retrieve the ball, and crude sledges about their mum, said the eldest son.
“He’s been smashing us across the backyard for three days now,” he said. “It’s been gruelling and he shows no sign of slowing down. I think the new Stubbies he got for Christmas have freed up his movement to make shots that border on sorcery.”
“It’s bloody annoying,” said the man’s wife. “He’s called Channel 9 to see if they’d like to televise the game.”
“He keeps calling me a poof,” said the youngest son. “My boyfriend is finding it really uncomfortable.”
The kids plan on kneecapping their dad if the game continues for another day.