Sydney traffic was brought to a standstill this morning by the sight of a woman raising her umbrella at regular intervals to avoid hitting other people with it.
“It was a thing of beauty,” one onlooker said. “I thought it was some kind of strange dance at first, and then I realised she was simply bobbing and weaving to make sure she didn’t poke anyone’s eyes out with her umbrella. What a novel idea.”
An anthropologist said he’d read about similar umbrella etiquette being practiced among some ancient English tribes. “It’s something I’ve never witnessed first hand though, so it’s very exciting to hear of such a thing happening right here in Sydney,” he said. “I even heard she offered to share her umbrella with a pedestrian walking in the same direction as her but, in my professional opinion, that sounds like an urban legend.”
The Sydney Opera House is set to be transformed into a club dedicated to electronic dance music and renamed the Sydney Deep House in a bid to revitalise the ageing icon.
“Nobody actually likes opera,” a spokesperson for the Sydney Opera House said. “None of us wanted to admit it, but it’s true. And if we didn’t change soon there was a real threat we’d be rezoned into another casino.”
The re-brand will see the concert hall transformed into an Ibiza-style nightclub with Strathfield Car Radio awarded the contract to update the sound system.
“We were given very strict brief – if ears aren’t bleeding, you’ve failed,” one technician said. “But honestly, if there aren’t a few heart attacks when Darude’s Sandstorm drops, we’ll feel like we’ve let Sydney down.”
The smaller 1,507-seat Joan Sutherland Theatre will be converted into a “day club with recovery music and soft lighting”, while the outdoor forecourt will be turned into a “gym-garden for those wanting to get a final pump before hitting the dance floor” an engineer confirmed.
Sydney’s die-hard opera fans are optimistic they can still save their beloved Opera House. A petition signed by all three of them concludes: “It’s not over until the fat lady sings”.