Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”

“Performance Artist” Turns Out to be Woman with Good Umbrella Etiquette

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Sydney traffic was brought to a standstill this morning by the sight of a woman raising her umbrella at regular intervals to avoid hitting other people with it.

“It was a thing of beauty,” one onlooker said. “I thought it was some kind of strange dance at first, and then I realised she was simply bobbing and weaving to make sure she didn’t poke anyone’s eyes out with her umbrella. What a novel idea.”

An anthropologist said he’d read about similar umbrella etiquette being practiced among some ancient English tribes. “It’s something I’ve never witnessed first hand though, so it’s very exciting to hear of such a thing happening right here in Sydney,” he said. “I even heard she offered to share her umbrella with a pedestrian walking in the same direction as her but, in my professional opinion, that sounds like an urban legend.”

Sydney Opera House to be Renamed Deep House in Line With Modern Music Tastes

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The Sydney Opera House is set to be transformed into a club dedicated to electronic dance music and renamed the Sydney Deep House in a bid to revitalise the ageing icon.

“Nobody actually likes opera,” a spokesperson for the Sydney Opera House said. “None of us wanted to admit it, but it’s true. And if we didn’t change soon there was a real threat we’d be rezoned into another casino.”

The re-brand will see the concert hall transformed into an Ibiza-style nightclub with Strathfield Car Radio awarded the contract to update the sound system.

“We were given very strict brief ­– if ears aren’t bleeding, you’ve failed,” one technician said. “But honestly, if there aren’t a few heart attacks when Darude’s Sandstorm drops, we’ll feel like we’ve let Sydney down.”

The smaller 1,507-seat Joan Sutherland Theatre will be converted into a “day club with recovery music and soft lighting”, while the outdoor forecourt will be turned into a “gym-garden for those wanting to get a final pump before hitting the dance floor” an engineer confirmed.

Sydney’s die-hard opera fans are optimistic they can still save their beloved Opera House. A petition signed by all three of them concludes: “It’s not over until the fat lady sings”.