Immaculately Manicured Woman has no Time to Exercise


A Sydney woman known for her elaborate hair styles, make-up, nail art and clothing has defended her obese status, explaining that she simply has “no time for exercise”.

“I put a lot of time and money into my appearance, but you can’t do everything and exercise is hard,” she said. “I’m not saying all the self-maintenance I do is easy, but at least I can do most of it sitting down.”

The woman admitted to spending an average of four hours and $1,000 a day maintaining her looks, ignoring advice from doctors who have suggested she could achieve a 2,000 per cent increase in attractiveness by simply eating some vegetables and going for short daily walks.

“Doctors are unhealthily fat-shaming people,” the woman said. “Men are so dazzled by my beautiful hair, nails, clothes and make-up they don’t notice that I have six chins and my belly rolls have belly rolls.”

Secret to Being Cool Girl Who Eats Like a Man and Looks Like a Model Revealed

girl burger

The secret to being one of those cool girls who eats and drinks like a man but still looks like a Victoria’s Secret model is to only eat when cameras or people you want to impress are around, a blogger has revealed in a tell-all post.

Chloe, a model/blogger who shot to fame after becoming one of the first door bitches hired to maintain beauty standards on the Bondi to Coogee walk, said she was revealing her diet tips as a public service for “all those poor girls who just don’t understand how important it is to not only look amazing, but also to come across as someone who doesn’t even try”.

“Start by sinking a few beers with the boys while your girlfriends all sip vodka sodas, then be the first to finish a huge late-night kebab or greasy burger and chips, say how hungry you still are and casually slip in a comment about how you never go to the gym,” Chloe advises her followers. “After that, you just need to ensure you don’t eat again until the next group outing or Instagram opportunity – it’s that easy.”

To maintain your weight and image during busier socialising periods, such as the festive season, Chloe recommended switching from booze to cocaine in order to have “a valid Cool Girl excuse for not drinking or eating”.

Fat Man on Juice Bar Diet Now Fatter Than Ever


An overweight Sydney man is now fatter than ever after indulging in an eye-watering $13 smoothie every morning from his local big-brand juice bar.

“The staff looked in such great shape I figured the smoothies and juices would help me with some of my problem areas, which have only become more problematic since swapping four large energy drinks and a chicken-skin sandwich for a fruit smoothie,” the man said. “When I asked a juice bar employee how she stayed in such great shape, she said her salary doesn’t allow her to buy luxuries like food, let alone a $13 smoothie.”

The man’s doctor has advised switching to “a can of fizzy orange and chips with gravy at every meal” in order to undo the damage caused by the smoothies.