Sunday Drinkers Claim Hangover “Impossible” after Such a Nice Day

SundaySession

A group of men and women still going hard at it since meeting for a quiet Sunday lunch are telling themselves the perfect weather conditions have made them hangover proof.

One elbow-lifter said excessive Sunday alcohol consumption didn’t bother him one bit.

“Mate, it’s a nice day, the sun’s out, and we’re sticking to just booze, so there’s no chance in Punchbowl we’re going to wake up scooping vomit from our airways in the morning,” he said, adding that the group had been so busy knocking back pints of rum they’d forgotten about the food part of the lunch.

“Whoops! I guess we were a lot more thirsty than hungry and our bodies just really needed all that vitamin alcohol to feel some sort of joy before heading back into the forced labour-camps tomorrow.”

Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, one member, who had just pulled $300 out of the Queen of the Nile, confided to The Sydney Sentinel that he’d made a Wickr order for a bag of Bolivian smelling salts and things were likely to take an exciting turn.

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Man Pulls Out at $290 on the Pokies to Avoid Compulsory Nose Bag Shout

SpringCarnival

A Sydney man enjoying a purple patch on the sentimental favourite pokie he grew up with, Spring Carnival, decided to call it quits and cash out at $290 so his spectating pals didn’t enforce the compulsory rule of shouting everyone a nose bag if your winnings exceed $300.

The man said hitting collect was one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do, as he was certain things were far from finished on the race track.

“Winning more than $300 when your mates are watching is basically a loss,” the man said. “So instead of shouting a bag, I grabbed everyone a schooner of rum or two, then snuck off to look for the only sort of bags I’m interested in – the bookie bags belonging to W.Winbig.”

The man ended up returning all his winnings, credit card cash advances, and a Nimble loan to Spring Carnival. He will be not be seen for the rest of the weekend and will be taking his lunch to work every day next week.

Man in Hospital After Early Uber Arrival Forces Him to Skol 400 Beers

UberDrunk

A Sydney man is in hospital with chronic drunkenness pains after the Uber he ordered to take him to the pub arrived four minutes early, forcing him to drink 400 of his 680 pre-drinks beers in under 30 seconds.

A government health spokesperson has slammed Uber, calling for an “urgent review” of the ride-sharing service.

“What a horror story. My thoughts and prayers are with this man who was trying to do the right thing by not driving after 680 beers and avoiding arriving at the pub feeling a bit awkward because he hadn’t consumed a sufficient amount of alcohol,” he said. “It’s irresponsible of the Uber to put people in this position and it’s happening far too often. Punctuality can be deadly.”

The victim’s friends, who are also in hospital recovering from the evening, said they weren’t concerned when the man failed to turn up at the pub.

“He’s a light drinker anyway so we thought he simply skipped the pre pre pre pre drinks. Who would have thought the poor bloke had to drink 400 beers in under 30 seconds?” one friend said. “I know that doesn’t sound like much, but 400 beers has a lot of sugar and that can’t be good for you.”

A NSW taxi spokesperson said this was “just another example” of the way Uber’s consistent over performance was dangerous.

“If you book with a taxi, you can be confident we’ll be late or not come at all, so you’ll always have plenty of time to finish your pre-drinks drinks,” he said. “We’re proud of our motto, ‘Better late or never”.

Mystery Surrounds Phone that Dies when Owner Asked to Share Uber

UBER PHONE

A Sydney man’s phone consistently runs out of battery the exact moment an Uber needs to be booked on a night out, a special investigation into the matter has been told.

Friends said they raised the alarm after the man reported his phone’s mysterious behaviour for the ninth weekend in a row.

“He always seems to have a hard time retrieving his phone from his pocket when someone suggests we catch an Uber, which is odd because he’s the quickest draw in the Inner West when a Tinder notification comes through,” one friend said. “Then, when he does finally get his phone out to book an Uber, it’s always dead.”

Another friend has confirmed the story, adding that the man always promises to buy the person paying for the ride a drink.

“The drink never comes,” another friend of the man said. “But when we get to the pub, his phone always miraculously comes back to life until it’s time to share an Uber home.”

Dan Murphy’s set to Open Over the top of Sydney

Dan Murphy

Dan Murphy’s liquor supermarket is set to open its largest store yet, with plans to open a store over the top of Sydney in its entirety.

The massive building which is being custom built to fit perfectly over the top of Sydney will have aisles and cool rooms that seamlessly incorporate current infrastructure like roads, homes and schools.

A spokesperson from Dan Murphy’s has said opening over the top of Sydney is the logical next step for the business. “People have told us the worst thing about wanting to get blind drunk is having to deal with life sober or tipsy as you drive to one of our stores,” the spokesperson said. “This way people can get hammered the moment the thought of drinking enters their head.”

A government spokesperson for liquor and gaming has called the move lifesaving genius.

“This is the sort of brilliance you’d expect to hear at a TED talk,” the spokesperson said. “The fact that it’s not just being talked about, but happening, is further proof that Sydney businesspeople have some of the biggest heads in the world to think up something this clever.”

Sydney residents are thrilled by the idea. “What a corker,” a Botany local said. “Not being drunk throws a wet blanket over the entire work day. This will ensure I can be in peak form all day, every day.”

“I feel bad drinking when the sun’s up,” one Redfern woman said. “With the store’s roof blocking all natural light, I’ll be able to drink without worry at any time of the day.”

Work on every other project in Sydney has been diverted to building the store, which is set to open over the top of Sydney later this month.

Majority of Australians Nominate Drinking as Sole Hobby

DRINKING FB

Drinking alcohol has edged out all other hobbies to become the sole favourite pastime of 98 per cent of Australians, a national hobby census released today has found.

A census analyst described the results as “mostly unsurprising”, noting that drinking has topped the list for the past 140 years.

“What is alarming, however, is that drinking seems to be the only hobby most people have these days,” she said.

“In previous years we saw dual hobbyists, who enjoyed things like video games, pokies or even pornography while drinking. But now it seems people prefer their drinking to be undiluted by any distractions.”

The two per cent of Australians who did not nominate drinking as their top choice of pastime were more rounded, according to the report, which found that they gave equal weighting to “eating pizza”, “stealing stuff” and “smoking bongs”.

Entire Office Fired After Horror Christmas Party

WorkXmasParty

A Sydney firm has lost its entire workforce after a Christmas party gone wrong led to a mass firing for charges including public nudity, drug importation and firearms possession.

“Sixteen of us were sacked before lunch,” one former staff member said. “In hindsight, kicking off with the 12 shots of Christmas at 9:15am was a poor idea from management.”

Another former employee said he was axed in the second bout of layoffs made later the same day. “I made it to about 4pm before I was let go for asking a female colleague to pull my trouser bon-bon,” he said. “My boss was then sacked for pulling it.”

Multiple divorces, amputations and home repossessions have also been reported in the wake of what bankers at a nearby function described as “actually a pretty tame Christmas party”.