It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas.
One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about.
“I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port before the event even started to sand down the corners a bit,” he said. “I started with joking-yet-deadly-serious quips about whose nose was thirsty, but I ended up just straight out asking ‘do you have some cocaine for me to smell with my nose?’.”
Staffers who came packing bagged heat said the tension was even worse for them.
“About 12 people followed every time I went to the bathroom attempting to get a nose bite,” one man said. “It was like when the fish are on, and you have to hide behind a rock to bait your hook.”
Management of the company said it would try to avoid the tension next year by bumping the Kris Kringle limit to $300 and hoping everyone gets the idea of what to buy each other.
A cigarette company has described its new Optimus Ice Crush darts as “smokes for a new generation” at a product launch today.
The durry features the same NASA-developed technology as the brand’s popular Optimus Crush product, which contains a crushed mint pellet that releases a menthol-like taste from first to last drag.
A spokesperson said evolving the new line was a no-brainer.
“Kids already love the icy-freshness of Optimus Crush, so adding a more exciting type of ice with Optimus Ice Crush was a logical next step,” he said, adding that it’s “perfect for those wanting to take the edge off and on at the same time”.
Smokers praised the decision.
“As a gentleman who enjoys both a ciggie and a shard, this superhero team-up works as well as Batman and Superman,” one 14-year-old said.
Optimus Ice Crush will be sold in packs of one and are said to provide days of enjoyment.
The parents of a child in primary school have sat through two hours of bad dancing, acting, speeches and musical performances at the end-of-year assembly, without the aid of drugs or alcohol.
“It was the longest two hours of our lives but we’re proud of how we handled it,” the father said. “I don’t think anyone noticed my wife’s snoring and I only screamed in despair once. A man in the front row tried to gouge his eyes out at one point, but luckily the school only has safety scissors.”
The mother said she would petition the school to streamline the assembly next year, with only the most talented children, such as her son, to be given an opportunity to perform.
“Our child is an adorable and talented genius, unlike all those other hacks whose performances we had to suffer through. It’s sad so many parents have such a distorted perception of their own children,” she said.
The controversial WestConnex motorway project has been secretly extended to create an express route from Sydney’s western suburbs to Bondi Beach after researchers found it was the journey most frequently made by “private couriers”, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal.
The extension, dubbed the “drug super high way”, is described as “key to both ensuring the financial future of one of the biggest industries in Sydney’s west and maintaining Bondi’s iconic nightlife” in leaked documents that outline “world-first” features, including a “white lane” in place of the more traditional bus lane, which will enable couriers to reach clients within 20 minutes of receiving an order for a bag.
Additionally, drivers will be able to insert their E-Toll tag in a bum bag rather than fitting it to a car windscreen.
“We discovered that a number of couriers use rented vehicles in their Eastern run and this bum-tag-bag convenience ensures they can easily switch between a white Lexus or Range Rover,” a spokesperson said, noting that the new road will also benefit the “thousands” of people living in denial about their home address.
“Our research showed that a number of so-called Bondi locals were in fact residents of the western suburbs.”
Healthy Harold has copped an unadulterated roasting today after admitting he didn’t bother warning 1990s and ’00s kids about ice because he never enjoyed it that much, so he thought it wouldn’t catch on.
This isn’t the first time Harold’s underestimated a drug – he was famously transformed into an enormous giraffe puppet after drinking bong water at a school fete – yet with more than 92 per cent of Australians addicted to ice, it’s certainly his biggest goof.
“Mate, to tell you the truth, I didn’t think it was that strong a high,” Harold said. “The frisbee-sized pingers you could get on the rave scene at the time were where it was at. You needed to sit down and eat them with a knife and fork.”
Harold said that if he’s fired over the blunder, he’s cooked up a few ideas about things he can do with the van.
A Sydney banker has become the pin-up boy for white-collar-style addiction recovery after switching from heroin to more socially accepted drugs.
“We were all so worried when he was shooting up loser drugs like heroin and we’re so impressed he’s turned his life around like this,” one colleague said. “Now he only injects steroids into his bum before his gruelling daily workouts, snorts a few lines of coke on the weekend and smokes the occasional ice pipe like the rest of us.”
The man said that apart from suffering occasional roid rage episodes – which have caused him to glass a man’s testicles, revenge rape the postman and slam dunk a baby – he was much happier and more energetic than he had been for a long time.
“It feels great to have an addiction that’s celebrated in sport and popular culture,” he said. “Now when people see me they’re all impressed and go ‘damn boi, you on the juice?’, and I can proudly say ‘yes’, then knock them out for looking at me funny.”
Channel Seven will bring Huey back to our screens this month as he explores Australia’s festival, pub, club and dodgy mate’s lounge room scene devouring jaw watering amounts of drugs.
“The only thing I’ll be cooking on my new program is myself,” Huey confirmed. “People thought I was on the nose clams anyway thanks to my colourful clothing and suspenders, but truth be told I never did anything harder than Perkins Paste.”
Huey promises to knock back all sorts of gurning gourmet on his family-friendly adventures, from the everyday pinger to the exotic flesh-eating krokodil.
“The man has an amazing work ethic,” one of the show’s producers said. “He didn’t sleep at all during the entire filming process.”
The first episode, in which Huey attends a glass barbeque with some true-blue Aussie larrikins, will air this Sunday.