Drug Dealers Selling Berocca for $300 a tab

HangoverMan

Chemists are taking advantage of today’s spike in Christmas-party hangovers by charging dull-eyed customers up to $300 for a single tablet of Berocca.

One office worker who has yet to go to bed after enjoying “a few beers” at his Christmas party, which began yesterday morning and continued on into the afternoon, evening and then morning again, said he was being exploited by his local pharmacy.

“They’re the worst type of drug dealers,” the bloody-nosed man said. “But with my only other option being cutting my head off to dull the pain, I had to pay up.”

Another office workers who overdid things by a Penrith mile said he refused to pay his legal drug dealer for the mild relief.

“I’m just going to keep drinking and never stop,” he said. “That way I’ll never have a hangover again.”

Shares in Berocca tablets are set to rival the rise of cryptocurrency Bitcoin, according to early reports.

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Man who Only Popped Into the Pub to Use Toilet Downs 50 Schooners

PubToilet

A man who walked into a Sydney pub only wanting to use the toilet today ended up downing 50 schooners and a fisherman’s basket and chucking a few gorillas into Top Banana, all because he didn’t want to look like he was “taking the piss”.

“The bloke behind the bar clocked me as I ran straight for the gents, so I couldn’t just walk straight back outside after draining the pee from my balls,” the man said. “It was time to do the right thing and pull up a stump for a day or so.”

The man was so committed to looking like he wasn’t abusing the pub’s toilet that he canned going back to work for the day.

“The barman must’ve known I was only hanging about to be polite, as he told me I’d had enough and asked me to leave when I tried to order schoon number 51.”

Sadly, the man’s wife didn’t appreciate his courtesy and has filed for divorce.

Man in Hospital After Early Uber Arrival Forces Him to Skol 400 Beers

UberDrunk

A Sydney man is in hospital with chronic drunkenness pains after the Uber he ordered to take him to the pub arrived four minutes early, forcing him to drink 400 of his 680 pre-drinks beers in under 30 seconds.

A government health spokesperson has slammed Uber, calling for an “urgent review” of the ride-sharing service.

“What a horror story. My thoughts and prayers are with this man who was trying to do the right thing by not driving after 680 beers and avoiding arriving at the pub feeling a bit awkward because he hadn’t consumed a sufficient amount of alcohol,” he said. “It’s irresponsible of the Uber to put people in this position and it’s happening far too often. Punctuality can be deadly.”

The victim’s friends, who are also in hospital recovering from the evening, said they weren’t concerned when the man failed to turn up at the pub.

“He’s a light drinker anyway so we thought he simply skipped the pre pre pre pre drinks. Who would have thought the poor bloke had to drink 400 beers in under 30 seconds?” one friend said. “I know that doesn’t sound like much, but 400 beers has a lot of sugar and that can’t be good for you.”

A NSW taxi spokesperson said this was “just another example” of the way Uber’s consistent over performance was dangerous.

“If you book with a taxi, you can be confident we’ll be late or not come at all, so you’ll always have plenty of time to finish your pre-drinks drinks,” he said. “We’re proud of our motto, ‘Better late or never”.

Dan Murphy’s set to Open Over the top of Sydney

Dan Murphy

Dan Murphy’s liquor supermarket is set to open its largest store yet, with plans to open a store over the top of Sydney in its entirety.

The massive building which is being custom built to fit perfectly over the top of Sydney will have aisles and cool rooms that seamlessly incorporate current infrastructure like roads, homes and schools.

A spokesperson from Dan Murphy’s has said opening over the top of Sydney is the logical next step for the business. “People have told us the worst thing about wanting to get blind drunk is having to deal with life sober or tipsy as you drive to one of our stores,” the spokesperson said. “This way people can get hammered the moment the thought of drinking enters their head.”

A government spokesperson for liquor and gaming has called the move lifesaving genius.

“This is the sort of brilliance you’d expect to hear at a TED talk,” the spokesperson said. “The fact that it’s not just being talked about, but happening, is further proof that Sydney businesspeople have some of the biggest heads in the world to think up something this clever.”

Sydney residents are thrilled by the idea. “What a corker,” a Botany local said. “Not being drunk throws a wet blanket over the entire work day. This will ensure I can be in peak form all day, every day.”

“I feel bad drinking when the sun’s up,” one Redfern woman said. “With the store’s roof blocking all natural light, I’ll be able to drink without worry at any time of the day.”

Work on every other project in Sydney has been diverted to building the store, which is set to open over the top of Sydney later this month.

Sydney Pub Entices Families with Schoonerccinos for Kids

kids schooner

Inspired by the way the Sydney café scene flourished after adding babyccinos to the menu in the early 2000s, a Surry Hills pub has begun offering schoonerchinos to keep young children entertained while their parents drink.

The publican behind the innovation, who describes his mini schooners as “caffeine-free and perfect for little hands”, said there was no longer any reason for patrons to leave the pub early or leave their kids locked in the car while they drink.

“We’ve found many of our customers aren’t able to drink as much as they’d like to because of family annoyances like having to pick their kids up from school or be home to make breakfast. This way, they can simply bring their kids with them in the morning and spend the day together as a loving family,” he said. “We’re even thinking of running a lesson or two in the pokie lounge to teach the little ones about math or computers or something.”

A government spokesperson has called the move “earth shattering for families”, adding that “it takes a village to raise a child, and a pub provides that village environment perfectly”.

The pub said it would limit kids to eight regular schooners and 52 schoonerccinos an hour.

Entire Office Fired After Horror Christmas Party

WorkXmasParty

A Sydney firm has lost its entire workforce after a Christmas party gone wrong led to a mass firing for charges including public nudity, drug importation and firearms possession.

“Sixteen of us were sacked before lunch,” one former staff member said. “In hindsight, kicking off with the 12 shots of Christmas at 9:15am was a poor idea from management.”

Another former employee said he was axed in the second bout of layoffs made later the same day. “I made it to about 4pm before I was let go for asking a female colleague to pull my trouser bon-bon,” he said. “My boss was then sacked for pulling it.”

Multiple divorces, amputations and home repossessions have also been reported in the wake of what bankers at a nearby function described as “actually a pretty tame Christmas party”.

Man Spends Every Weekend in Bed After a Few “Friday Drinks”

dunk

Family and friends are mystified by the fact that Dave, a 32-year-old office worker with three children, has to spend weekends in bed with a cool washcloth on his head after having “just a few” drinks after work on Friday.

“It’s like he comes down with a big cold every weekend,” said his wife, referring to Dave’s constant sniffling and nose blowing. “He’s also very sad and won’t eat a thing, not even my Sunday beef wellington!”

Dave has promised to cut down to just one beer after work this Friday, which he plans to sip over several hours until 3am Saturday morning.