Legendary Word “Stiffy” Making a Much-needed Comeback


The word “stiffy” has been making a long-overdue return to conversations across Sydney this month, a special investigation by The Sydney Sentinel has revealed.

This charming word for an erection or hardening of the penis bone gained popularity during the 1990s but was dropped by many for sounding too childish or disrespectful of a well-earned trouser throb.

One Sydney man is thrilled it’s back.

“Terms like ‘boner’, ‘cracked a fat’ and ‘woodie’ have lost the ability to capture the true essence of a cock push-up,” the man said. “‘Stiffy’ is a simple word that brings delight to all those who hear it and it doesn’t get lost in a conversation. ‘Stiffy’ demands attention.”

A linguistics expert has confirmed that the word “stiffy” can’t be beaten.

“‘Cellar-door’ is often regarded as the most beautiful word in the English language but I reckon that’s fuckin’ bullshit, hey,” the professor of language at Penrith University said. “You can say the word ‘stiffy’ 700 or so times a day, especially if you work on a university campus like I do. But how many times can you say ‘cellar-door’ in one day? A maximum of 20, maybe 30 if you call your goon box a cellar door.”

Another word that’s set to make a heroic comeback this year is ‘moot’, but there have been delays due to wondering how to properly spell it.

Schools Introduce Pill Testing to Ensure Students are Sufficiently Medicated

Schools across the state are set to introduce pill testing this month, in a bid to verify the quality of the wide variety of medications students are prescribed, ranging from mood stabiliser injections to peanut blockers.

A NSW government health spokesperson told The Sydney Sentinel that the move would save lives.

“Unmedicated students are challenging to teach and can cause stress fractures or even death in teaching folk,” she said. “They ask intelligent questions, run around the joint at lunch and have far too much life in them. The only way we’ll know if students are properly sedated for learning is if we test their medications.”

Early learning experts have also backed the move, saying pill testing is in everyone’s best interests.

“Kids are hard to teach. They tend to have their own ideas and annoying traits like creativity, which, fortunately, they’ll grow out of,” one expert said. “Medication solves this problem instantly, but only if we’re giving kids a high enough dose. Pill testing will ensure they’re being looked after properly.”