Professional wrestling, once thought to be a kind of performance art combining athletics with theatrics, is a real sport, a bullet-proof CSIRO report has confirmed.
Sydney wrestler Ben Hurt said he was surprised by the report’s findings, but only because he hadn’t realised people thought what he did for a living was fake.
“This sure helps explain a few things,” he said. “I nearly ended it all after the crowd cheered for my then-best friend when he beat me half to death with a chair and then announced he was sleeping with my wife.”
Local wrestler Big Potato agreed that the assumptions behind the report were the most surprising thing about it.
“I can’t believe people thought wrestling had predetermined outcomes like boxing,” he said. “Hopefully this will bring in more crowds so some of us, like The Undertaker, The Repo Man and Doink the Clown won’t have to work second jobs to make ends meet.”
There is now a push to have professional wrestling in the Tokyo 2020 Olympic Games.
The famous smiling face in Sydney’s Luna Park is set to go under the knife this month in a bid to fit in better with the unnatural look favoured by the majority of local residents aged 20 or over. Showing signs of being in its 81st year, the harbour-side icon has been under mounting pressure to receive the standard combination of Botox, fillers and collagen.
“If this is the face that welcomes people to Sydney’s exclusive harbour, it needs to look as #blessed as its residents,” one Milsons Point local said. “Thank goodness it’s no longer going to look so old and haggered, or we would’ve had to ship it out to Parramatta with all the other undesirables, like the Powerhouse Museum.”
A Luna Park spokesperson agreed something had to be done.
“While the current face has nailed that perma-surprised, raised eyebrow look we all love, it’s simply not beautiful enough to be smiling so joyously,” she said. “This gives dangerous and unrealistic expectations of happiness to all the ugly-faced children who visit our park.”
In related news, Sydney Tower is scheduled to undergo a lengthening procedure to increase it to a more impressive size.
A Sydney man has revealed he didn’t really care what answers people gave to his question enquiring where a good Mexican-Italian-fusion-yum-cha-street-food truck is in Paris, and in fact was only asking the question so everyone knew he was in France and that he enjoys fancy cuisine that likely doesn’t even exist yet.
“I had to do it because my check-in at the Qantas Club Lounge didn’t get the attention it deserved,” said the 18-year-old stay-at-home son. “I even took a picture of my business class ticket poking out of my passport, with a slightly out of focus Champagne glass in the background and tagged it #BLESSED. People should be going out of their way to validate my existence.”
The man told The Sydney Sentinel that using his parents’ money to invest in himself is a “huge accomplishment” and that he should be praised for sitting on a plane for a long time as that’s “something poor people can’t afford to do, and if they could they would just buy drugs, but not the good ones I buy”.
He decided to come out and admit his attention-seeking post in order to seek more attention by featuring in the news.
A Sydney man has wasted his sick day today feeling bad about taking the sickie in which he planned in advance with well-timed coughs in front of his boss yesterday afternoon.
“I started to get anxious about it around 9:04 this morning,” the man said. “Instead of simply enjoying having the house all to myself and masturbating in rooms that are usually off limits, I ended up just pacing around the joint in a state of paranoia.”
What’s worse, he added, is that this isn’t the first time it’s happened.
“I actually got an ulcer from all the worry last time I took a sickie. Next time I’ll make sure I have some Valium handy so I can actually feel well enough to enjoy my sick day.”
The man has said that he will likely be forced to take a day of stress leave tomorrow to get over the ordeal.
An undercover network of city dwellers has been caught flogging produce at some of Sydney’s most prestigious farmers’ markets, a special Sydney Sentinel investigation can reveal.
Market-goers became suspicious when one stall owner accidentally used plastic instead of paper bags and an “organic” baker was caught painting a hashtag over the “sun” in Sunblest to create Instagram’s must-have bakery accessory #blest.
Speaking exclusively to Sydney Sentinel, one stallholder, who declined to give his name or any identifying details other than the fact that he’s “a third-generation Mascot man”, admitted to being a non-farmer, but said it didn’t make the market circuit any easier.
“I have to get up really early to gather the finest produce from my local Woolies express,” he said. “I get the kids to kick the apples around in the backyard for a bit before we sell it, as a lot of those inner-city folks prefer a rustic look, then we all sit around the kitchen table to pick off the stickers together. It’s a real family business.”
Another stallholder, who lives in a studio apartment in Darlinghurst and claimed to have been posing as a carrot farmer from Orange for so long he sometimes forgot that he wasn’t, said he was surprised to have finally been caught, considering how underground (pun probably not intended) his business was.
“So long as you strike the right balance of rustic and sanitised – you know, maybe using some wooden crates as part of your display but making sure there’s no sign of any actual dirt – no one asks too many questions. The ‘farmer’ in markets is really just a meaningless brand buzzword anyway, like ‘fair’ in trade.”
Real growers are furious about the allegations, claiming it’s hard enough for a farmer to get a wife without all these hipsters blowing in.