Immaculately Manicured Woman has no Time to Exercise

Fatto

A Sydney woman known for her elaborate hair styles, make-up, nail art and clothing has defended her obese status, explaining that she simply has “no time for exercise”.

“I put a lot of time and money into my appearance, but you can’t do everything and exercise is hard,” she said. “I’m not saying all the self-maintenance I do is easy, but at least I can do most of it sitting down.”

The woman admitted to spending an average of four hours and $1,000 a day maintaining her looks, ignoring advice from doctors who have suggested she could achieve a 2,000 per cent increase in attractiveness by simply eating some vegetables and going for short daily walks.

“Doctors are unhealthily fat-shaming people,” the woman said. “Men are so dazzled by my beautiful hair, nails, clothes and make-up they don’t notice that I have six chins and my belly rolls have belly rolls.”

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Unattractive Blokes Converting to Hipsterism to Distract from their Ordinary Looks

Hipster

Ordinary-looking Sydney men are converting to hipsterism en masse after realising their odds of scoring a date are surprisingly increased by donning ironic football beanies and wooden glasses and growing bum-fluff moustaches if they’re skinny or full beards if they’re larger.

“Ugly is the new handsome,” one recent convert said. “Before I converted to hipsterism, I couldn’t score a hug in a brothel, but now I’m killing it!”

Another convert said being ugly on his own terms was empowering, but hard work.

“The carefully careless look can take up to eight hours some mornings,” the man said. “But luckily I don’t have a job, and the local dive bar doesn’t do a roll call.”

Regular good-looking hipsters haven’t been happy with the amount of attention their unfortunate-looking brethren have been receiving.

“It’s become impossible to compete with these guys,” one attractive hipster said. “I may have to take a few face plants off the skateboard I’ve never used to compete with these guys.”

Kanye West Sends Nude Models Down Runway at Paris Fashion Week

kanye

Kanye West has divided the fashion world by sending the models in his Yeezy spring/summer 2017 Paris Fashion Week show down the runway completely naked.

While fashion bible Vogue described West’s latest ready-to-wear collection as a “modern case of the Emperor’s New Clothes”, bloggers were quick to leap to the rapper-turned-designer’s defence, calling West a “genius” and branding Vogue as “out of touch”.

“Yeezy has long stuck to a bland, skin-like palette of beige, tan, brown and black and this new collection is a bold evolution of the brand’s trademark aesthetic,” one blogger gushed. “Getting rid of the baggy, unflattering silhouettes featured in previous seasons and leaving us with nothing but skin was a stroke of pure genius.”

The collection is available online now, with pieces starting from US$12,000.