Nervous Start to Christmas Party as Colleagues Wonder who has Cocaine

WhiteXmas

It’s been a nerve-shattering start to an office Christmas party today as colleagues begin guessing and probing each other to discover who has a bag of white Christmas.

One staffer said he was living on an edge harder than anything Aerosmith ever sang about.

“I had to have about 70 or so schoons of port before the event even started to sand down the corners a bit,” he said. “I started with joking-yet-deadly-serious quips about whose nose was thirsty, but I ended up just straight out asking ‘do you have some cocaine for me to smell with my nose?’.”

Staffers who came packing bagged heat said the tension was even worse for them.

“About 12 people followed every time I went to the bathroom attempting to get a nose bite,” one man said. “It was like when the fish are on, and you have to hide behind a rock to bait your hook.”

Management of the company said it would try to avoid the tension next year by bumping the Kris Kringle limit to $300 and hoping everyone gets the idea of what to buy each other.

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Entire Office Fired After Horror Christmas Party

WorkXmasParty

A Sydney firm has lost its entire workforce after a Christmas party gone wrong led to a mass firing for charges including public nudity, drug importation and firearms possession.

“Sixteen of us were sacked before lunch,” one former staff member said. “In hindsight, kicking off with the 12 shots of Christmas at 9:15am was a poor idea from management.”

Another former employee said he was axed in the second bout of layoffs made later the same day. “I made it to about 4pm before I was let go for asking a female colleague to pull my trouser bon-bon,” he said. “My boss was then sacked for pulling it.”

Multiple divorces, amputations and home repossessions have also been reported in the wake of what bankers at a nearby function described as “actually a pretty tame Christmas party”.