NYE Disappoints for the 2,018th Year in a Row

New Year’s Eve celebrations have disappointed people across the world for the 2,018th year in a row, with many revellers waking up with a jolt of fear early this morning.

One Sydney-sider described the evening as a lethal cocktail of hope, joy and festivity.

“Whenever I’m feeling good, things go really bad,” he said. “I suddenly think my life is okay, and I drop my guard to talk to people and dance. I might even have a drink, which quickly progresses to ketamine and kebab meat smeared over my naked body in a stranger’s apartment. When I’m sad I just stay at home and nothing goes wrong.”

Another woman from Sydney’s eastern suburbs agreed.

“Happiness brings out the worst in people,” she said. “You never see sad people going out making regrettable decisions like socialising or telling people the truth. Stuff like that will haunt you for the rest of the year.”

Scientists at the University of Penrith have confirmed the link between “happiness” and “terrible decisions”, recommending people reflect on how bad their lives really are before leaving the house to celebrate.

2019 to Begin at 9 pm on December 31 in Sydney

In a bid to avoid people being too tired on January 1, the NSW government has officially adjusted time and calendars so that Sydney can celebrate New Year’s Eve in a more “sensible” fashion, with the city’s famous fireworks displays being moved to 6 pm for children and 9 pm for grown-ups.

“12 am is a ridiculous time to still be up,” a NSW government spokesperson said. “This way, people can celebrate in an orderly and controlled manner, then be home in bed by the Surgeon General’s recommended time of 10:30 pm.”

The move tests the waters for strict new bedtime laws to be introduced in NSW from March 2019, amid growing concerns about people abusing their free time to stay up late, causing chronic weariness the next day.

Also under review is Sydney’s Vivid light festival, which is under pressure from the government to be moved to the daytime.