New Personal Training Service Where Trainers do the Workout for You


A service launched in Sydney today allows “time-poor” clients to relax while personal trainers work out on their behalf.

The new service, called Fitness 4 U, is designed for busy Sydneysiders who’d rather be drinking at work, drinking at the pub, or drinking at home than exercise.

One of the first members of the service said it’s up there with having porn on your phone in terms of game changingness.

“This way I can tell myself I’m going to exercise today, not exercise today, but then still feel good about it as someone else did it for me,” the man said. “I haven’t noticed any physical gains, but my conscience has improved dramatically now I don’t have to feel bad about not exercising.”

The membership also comes with a backpack that you can take with you absolutely everywhere to make those not exercising feel bad about themselves.

New Tinder for Gym Junkies app allows Fitness Folk to Hook Up with Themselves


A new version of the popular hook-up-with-as-many-people-as-you-can app, Tinder, allows those who spend hours admiring themselves in the mirror inside the gym, to admire themselves outside of the gym as well.

A spokesperson for the app, titled Tinder Swole, said the app cleverly matches the user with themselves, so they can truly find the love of their lives.

“We were getting complaints that those in the fitness world weren’t satisfied with their matches,” the spokesperson said. “By matching them up with themselves, they’re guaranteed to find someone they can cherish.”

Gym junkies have been excited by the announcement.

“I do this for myself,” one gym member said of his daily 27-hour training schedule. “And this app allows me to reap the rewards of myself more often. Sometimes several times an evening.”

“It’s lonely being beautiful,” another CrossFit enthusiast said. “There’s simply no one but myself on my level. This app understands the struggle and soothes it. Sometimes several times an evening.”

Other users have reported that they have seen huge gains in their right arm since the app launched.

Selfie Gym Opens in Bondi with Just Mirrors

Selfie Gym

Me First gym has opened in Bondi over the weekend providing locals with what the gym says is “none of the unnecessary exercise fads like weights and treadmills” to free up the space for thousands of mirrors covering every single surface for selfies.

“The most important part about exercise is letting everybody on social media know you’re doing it. So we’ve simply cut out the actual exercise part so people can get instant results,” said Me First spokesperson Chloe.

“My personal workout of bending in front of the mirror in tight pants received over 2000 likes on Facebook this morning.”

The gym will have personal trainers available to expertly show new members the best angles, filters and posses for maximum results. The gym also has several props like massive headphones, a yoga mat and a water bottle with water to use on request, should your selfie require it.

One happy member said “I love that there’s plenty of mirrors in the bathroom for my post-workout nose shake,” adding “It gives me the confidence to stroll the beach for the rest of the day acting like I own it.”

Gym Employee Jailed for Revealing Membership Prices Up Front


A receptionist at a popular chain of Sydney gyms was today sentenced to 60 years in prison for revealing the gym’s joining fee and monthly payments up front and honestly.

“This was a serious violation of our rules,” a spokesperson for the gym said. “The highly secretive pricing structure of gym memberships should only be revealed once a victim has completed a 12-step intimidation program conducted by a senior consultant.”

The spokesperson described the incident as a “safety issue”, noting that the receptionist “could have killed” the prospective gym member.

“If people aren’t prepared through a lengthy process of shaming and phone harassment, hearing the price of a gym membership so abruptly and clearly could cause cardiac arrest, stroke, or even aids. Some of our most loyal clients, who signed up with us for lifetime membership without parole as far back as the 1980s, still aren’t aware what they’re paying.”

The prospective gym member at the centre of the controversy was bludgeoned to death with a Shake Weight in a bid to avoid any further damage and the gym has promised to fill the streets with twice as many pamphlet handlers to recuperate the fees they had been expecting him to pay.