A Sydney man was forced to eat his own poo to make it through a night trapped inside a local health food emporium when staff locked the store up for the night without realising he was still inside.
The mishap occurred after the man rushed into the store to use the gender-neutral toilet and fell into an LSD-like trance on the stool pool thanks to the mystic incense burning within the restroom.
The man said he would have used the pub toilet like a normal person, but he didn’t feel like having the 50 or so guilt beers he was forced to down the last time a publican caught him popping in just to use the gents.
“When I came to after smelling colours and seeing sounds I’ve never tasted before, it was too late, and I was locked in the store with no phone charge,” the man said. “I tried to make it through the night with no food or water, but it was impossible. I had to do what anyone would do locked up in a place that only served loony health food, and dine on my own poo and wash it down with my own wee.”
The man said that unlike the way most odd foods are described, it certainly didn’t taste like chicken.
A Bondi café has been awarded five chef’s hats and hailed as “fucking genius” for serving customers whole, unpeeled avocados on toast, a bold departure from smashed avo, which dominated global headlines throughout the year.
The chef said the new creation “aligns beautifully” with his philosophy of making whole foods whole again.
“Smashed avo was really just part of that ridiculous ‘deconstructed food’ trend, which is so 2017,” he said. “We wanted to ditch the fads and get back to basics for 2018. Our food is so wholesomely whole we don’t even peel off the little sticker that comes naturally from the tree.”
Sunday brunch fans have been lining up for the dish since 4am Wednesday morning, with many saying they’re willing to spend all the deposit their parents gave them for their first home on this culinary marvel.
The secret to being one of those cool girls who eats and drinks like a man but still looks like a Victoria’s Secret model is to only eat when cameras or people you want to impress are around, a blogger has revealed in a tell-all post.
Chloe, a model/blogger who shot to fame after becoming one of the first door bitches hired to maintain beauty standards on the Bondi to Coogee walk, said she was revealing her diet tips as a public service for “all those poor girls who just don’t understand how important it is to not only look amazing, but also to come across as someone who doesn’t even try”.
“Start by sinking a few beers with the boys while your girlfriends all sip vodka sodas, then be the first to finish a huge late-night kebab or greasy burger and chips, say how hungry you still are and casually slip in a comment about how you never go to the gym,” Chloe advises her followers. “After that, you just need to ensure you don’t eat again until the next group outing or Instagram opportunity – it’s that easy.”
To maintain your weight and image during busier socialising periods, such as the festive season, Chloe recommended switching from booze to cocaine in order to have “a valid Cool Girl excuse for not drinking or eating”.
A Sydney man last night left the staff at a country Chinese restaurant gobsmacked when he pushed aside the default knife and fork and called for the chopsticks.
The owner of the Chinese restaurant said this was the first time the chopsticks have made an appearance in the restaurant and it took them a good 30 minutes to find the ancient tools of the Orient.
“We thought he was having a laugh at first,” the restaurant owner said. “But the way he used them to devour a mixed entrée bordered on sorcery.”
People lucky enough to dine in the presence of the man said they were in awe.
“We weren’t expecting dinner and a show,” one diner said. “But watching him perform made me feel like it was variety night at the RSL. My wife wanted to go home with the gentleman.”
The restaurant was also caught off guard when the man didn’t order the staple of spring rolls, honey chicken, sweet and sour pork, and fried rice, forcing the chef to study old Women’s Weekly Chinese cookbooks before frying up the strange order.
A man from Newtown has taken out an AVO on avos this morning, claiming that the breakfast delicacy has caused him be unable to buy a house in Sydney and to stab his fire-stick-twirling hand thirteen times.
“Avocados were attacking me physically, mentally and emotionally,” the man said, adding that the fruit, referred to as the “devil’s snot” in his AVO application, ruined his life by causing him constant rental pains and damaging his hand so badly he can barely play a beat on a bongo drum.
“I can accept that I made a few mistakes and didn’t get $34k from my grandfather when I was 18 like Tim Gurner, but everything else that’s wrong with my life can be traced back to avocado,” he said. “That man didn’t get attacked by avos and now has more houses than friends.”
A NSW police spokesperson said the AVO was among a raft of complaints made against the fruit, including a larger class action lodged by Millennials petitioning for avocado to be reclassified as a weapon of mass destruction.
“Smashed avos have been smashing Millennials back for years now,” the senior junior sergeant said. “It’s horrible to see the way they’ve ruined young people’s lives. It’s only a matter of time before people start taking legal action against coffee too.”
The man at the centre of it all hopes the avo AVO will enable him to take out an AV Jennings home, car, helicopter and gold bullion package in the next six months.
The Sydney Morning Herald 2018 Good Food Guide is set to focus exclusively on cuisine served in poker machine lounges across NSW.
The guide will feature a definitive comparison of the food provided at all 3.65 million VIP rooms across the state, with the best to be awarded pyramids instead of chef hats.
“Priority will be given to those who really nail the classics, such as sausage rolls, party pies and spring rolls with sweet chilli sauce,” one food critic said. “VIP chefs who have mastered their defrosting and heating skills will do well.”
The guide comes in response to overwhelming demand from both punters and venues.
“Until now, choosing which lounges to dine in has been a gamble,” one expert said. “VIP-lounge fare is the closest thing Australia has to a national cuisine and it deserves to be taken seriously.”
Spokespersons for VIP rooms are confident ahead of the guide’s release.
“Our food can’t be bad because our customers show up every day. I’m sure that wouldn’t be the case if they didn’t enjoy the food,” VIP room manager Peter Panner said.
“The food really hits the spot,” agreed one regular, who often loses his entire pay packet on the pokies before he can do any grocery shopping. “Sometimes I bring the whole family in just to give them a good feed.”
The Sydney Morning Herald declined to reveal how many VIP lounges were awarded an elusive three-pyramid rating before the book’s launch.
Two major supermarkets today announced they will be ripping out self-service checkouts and replacing them with self-service TAB terminals, in a desperate bid to recover profits lost to rampant theft.
“Customers have been ripping us off for far too long. This is the perfect way to even the playing field and recuperate some of the profits we lost because of dirty, thieving organic vegetable lovers,” a supermarket spokesperson said.
“Our system told us sales of brown onions were through the roof, which led to the mass over-ordering and stockpiling of brown onions, which weren’t actually selling at all, and left us with huge shortages of organic produce, smoked salmon, lobsters and mangoes.”
If the self-service TAB terminals prove a hit, both supermarkets have vowed to stop selling food completely and fill all floor space with poker machines.