A Sydney man enjoying a purple patch on the sentimental favourite pokie he grew up with, Spring Carnival, decided to call it quits and cash out at $290 so his spectating pals didn’t enforce the compulsory rule of shouting everyone a nose bag if your winnings exceed $300.
The man said hitting collect was one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do, as he was certain things were far from finished on the race track.
“Winning more than $300 when your mates are watching is basically a loss,” the man said. “So instead of shouting a bag, I grabbed everyone a schooner of rum or two, then snuck off to look for the only sort of bags I’m interested in – the bookie bags belonging to W.Winbig.”
The man ended up returning all his winnings, credit card cash advances, and a Nimble loan to Spring Carnival. He will be not be seen for the rest of the weekend and will be taking his lunch to work every day next week.
Sydney’s never-ending construction projects are proof the city is not real and is likely a giant computer simulation created by a more sophisticated intelligence playing the popular world-building game Minecraft, according to top CSRIO scientists.
“Tearing down the monorail to build a light rail ‘just because’ or moving The Powerhouse Museum out to Parramatta is exactly something a bored Minecraft player would do,” one scientist said. “We’re clearly just a sandbox for some technologically advanced teenager having a bit of fun attempting to create a city in his or her spare time.”
Other scientists agree.
“The worst part about it all is that the being playing the Minecraft simulation is not very good at the game,” a researcher said. “Look at the place, there are cranes and construction going on everywhere and most of it doesn’t make any sense. Like the $38 million Albert ‘Tibby’ Cotter cycle and pedestrian bridge over Anzac Parade that isn’t used by cyclists or pedestrians.”
Sydneysiders are hoping the advanced species playing the game gives up soon or resets the whole thing and starts again.
The popular wartime-based video-game series, Call of Duty, has been accused of attempting to start World War 3 in order to keep its current business model alive.
Call of Duty operatives have been sending nasty letters between American and North Korea, according to leaked documents. Job listings from the game developer looking for Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump meme experts have also been uncovered.
Far from denying the accusations, the game developer has championed the idea, saying that if they were trying to start World War 3, it would be for the good of all video-game fans who are crying out for a fun new setting to kill each other in.
“World War 1 and 2 have been very good to both us and gamers,” a Call of Duty spokesperson said. “But after 406 Call of Duty games this year alone based on yesterday’s World Wars, they’re starting to lose the charm they were once famous for. It’s time to reboot the franchise with a sequel.”
Gamers have been excited about the accusation.
“As a gamer, there’s no way I’d actually have to go to war,” gamer FlangeMan69 said. “I can’t wait to get the opportunity to stay at home and do my country proud virtually – and let other players know I’ve slept with their mum!”
A Sydney man is tonight missing out on his favourite dinner, Chicken Tonight, as a routine bag search at his local JB Hi-Fi enters its fifth hour.
“I’d forgotten I was wearing a backpack when I walked into the store and by the time I realised, it was already too late,” the man said. “So, I had a look around at some DVDs and the latest Nintendo Amiibo my wife won’t allow me to buy, then I tried my best to look calm and collected as I walked out. But the bloke at the door asked to see inside my backpack and I’ve been here ever since. I even had to drop my trousers.”
The man’s wife told The Sydney Sentinel she knew something was wrong when he hadn’t come home by 7pm.
“He always skips his fourteenth beer at the pub and comes straight home when he knows I’m frying up the Chicken Tonight,” she said. “I’ve covered his dinner in foil and put it in the oven to keep warm but the man I spoke to at the store said he wouldn’t be home until they’d completed a colonoscopy, so I’m worried the chicken is going to dry out.”
This is not the first time the man has missed important life events due to an extensive bag search at his favourite store.
“Yeah, I should really know better than to go into one of these stores with any kind of bags, pockets or clothing,” the man said. “I missed the birth and first three months of my first child’s life after walking into one with a bag from another store.”
A 12-year-old gamer from Sydney has slept with the mum of every other gamer he has faced in the online shooter, Call of Duty.
It’s reported that the player, FlangeMan69, has racked up more than 15,000 kills, 900 captures of an enemy flag and more than 700,000 victories with gamers’ mums from around the world.
“It was emotionally disturbing to discover this sort of thing when trying to relax with a video game after a hard day of unemployment,” one Chatswood gamer said. “I didn’t believe him at first, but my worst fears were confirmed when my mum admitted over a Sunday Beef Wellington that FlangeMan69’s boasts were indeed real. Even the acts that didn’t seem possible for the human body.”
FlangeMan69’s skills also extend to identifying a player’s sexual orientation.
“I was trying to show my dad how to play Call of Duty, then FlangeMan69 flat out told everyone I was gay,” the exposed man said. “Luckily, the moment wasn’t awkward for long, as FlangeMan69 soon called out my dad too, so we had something in common for the first time in years. We actually put down the game and hit a sauna.”
Mums across Sydney have been urged by the game’s developer to have a frank conversation with their children before they get a chance to play FlangeMan69 online.
The NBN network was designed to be slow and unreliable as part of a world-first initiative to minimise kids’ screen time, according to a statement released by the Australian government today amid criticisms of the service.
“It was our plan all along,” an NBN spokesperson said. “If the internet is so slow it’s unusable, kids will put down their screens and get outside to roam the streets, hurt animals or join a neighbourhood gang – all the good old-fashioned stuff kids used to do.”
While parent groups have admitted excessive screen time is a major issue, many remained unconvinced about the government’s solution.
“All this has done has transformed our children from mild-mannered, semi-conscious beings that are rarely seen and never heard, to energetic little things that are constantly hassling their guardians to take them somewhere or provide them with food,” said a representative. “No parent signed up for that!”
Representatives for people who aren’t children have also pointed out that the government’s plan may not have been completely thought through.
“I enjoy spending my downtime on the internet, but I also need it for work,” one confirmed grown-up said. “Just kidding. I use it for porn, just like everyone else, but now I’ve been forced to go back to magazines and I was sad to learn that classics such as Nuts and Ralph have disappeared, along with the newsagencies that sold them.”
One internet service provider is building a massive Ethernet cable that will run from Japan to Australia and allow people to bypass the NBN.
Nintendo has quietly wound down beta-testing of highly anticipated mobile game Mario Kart GO in the wake of a spate of fatalities.
The game, which had been billed as Pokémon GO for people who don’t like walking, allowed motorists to initiate road races with nearby drivers and use augmented reality to collect power ups and coins.
“We could never have anticipated such a fun, innocent game could cause so much destruction,” a Nintendo spokesman said. “Unfortunately, a bug in the system recognised pedestrians as coins and power ups.”
Police initially arrested hundreds of Sydney taxi drivers suspected of using the app, but all were let off with fines for a range of infractions, including using several mobile phones while driving, littering (mostly banana skins and turtle shells), and driving inside shopping centres.
Nintendo’s next mobile game, Super Smash Bros. GO is set to be released in early 2017.