There’s still plenty to do in Sydney to make the most of your holidays:
1. Drink alcohol at home.
2. Join your local 1% motorcycle club.
3. Drink alcohol at the pub.
4. $10 hits on Big Red.
5. Drink alcohol on a park bench.
6. Have an affair.
7. Drink alcohol for breakfast.
8. Worry about going back to work.
9. Drink methylated spirits.
Now get out there and enjoy!
A Sydney man who told his girlfriend of seven years he wouldn’t marry her until gay people enjoyed equal rights is desperately searching for a back-up plan after polls suggested the yes vote is likely to win.
“It was the perfect excuse – it was simple, it worked, and it made me look like I had morals or something,” the man said. “But it looks like my get-out-of-jail-free card will be torn up when the vote is announced on Wednesday. My girlfriend’s even dropping hints saying what a great day it would be for all couples to propose. Unfortunately, it might be time for me to hit the road.”
The man is not alone, with one woman telling The Sydney Sentinel she had to vote no to protect her own freedom from marriage.
“Yeah, I used the whole ‘not until everyone can get married’ line as well,” she said. “Even though I do support gay marriage, I don’t support having to get married myself, so it’s a no from me.”
The left has made a dramatic shift in who they support in the same-sex marriage plebiscite today, after a poll revealed that no voters are a minority group, which automatically qualifies them for complete backing from the left.
A spokesperson for the left said determining who to champion and who to destroy is fluid and changes daily.
“There are many times a minority group doesn’t completely think the way we want them to and things get tricky,” the spokesperson said. “For groups we both love and hate at the same time we split things into shifts and burn down their houses in the morning, then create a GetUp! fundraiser in the afternoon to help them rebuild from the awful destruction we caused.”
One gay man who will actually be affected by the outcome said it’s fucked.
“People have turned a basic and easy question into a brain-meltingly complex decision, that’s almost as hard as choosing a favourite between ‘Stone Cold Steve Austin’ or ‘The Rock’,” he said.
A self-described “rainbow warrior” who proudly tells anyone who’ll listen that she has “a lot of gay friends”, has announced she’ll be voting against same-sex marriage in the postal plebiscite, after being convinced by the “vote no” skywriting in Sydney today.
“No amount of reasoned arguing could change my mind but something about seeing it written in the sky several times really got to me,” she said, adding that the entirety of her aggressive yes-campaign protest group was now in the process of updating signs and chants in preparation for agitating for a “no” vote.
However, a poll has shown that the sky writing stunt, which cost millions of dollars, will make no difference to the outcome of the vote, with an equal number of people who had been planning to vote no reporting that they were now switching to a yes vote because they were “sick of being told what to do”.
The number of people coming out as homophobic has spiked dramatically ahead of the upcoming plebiscite on marriage equality, a support group has reported, warning that it is a dangerous time for the HBRXAS (homophobic, bigoted, racist, xenophobic, ageist, sexist) community.
“Both my dads disowned me when I told them I was homophobic and will be voting no,” one woman said. “I would’ve thought they’d be more supportive of my choices after all the discrimination they’ve faced themselves.”
However, others have described the process of coming out as “liberating”.
“I was nervous to come out to my family because I wasn’t sure they’d accept me, so it was a relief to discover I come from a long line of closeted homophobes,” one man said. “I’ve known I was homophobic since primary school, when I was calling kids who liked music fags and beating up any boy who lingered on a handshake too long, but it’s something I learned to push down and reduce to the occasional ‘sissy’ or ‘poof’ comment among select company, so I’m glad I can finally embrace my true political orientation and stop pretending to be something I’m not.”
When asked if he would like to add any further comments, the man said: “For the record, I’m definitely not gay myself.”
A major Colombian drug cartel has been caught this morning attempting to smuggle drugs back out of Sydney and into their home country.
The cartel described the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras as like a black hole for drugs, except white. “There are simply no drugs anywhere else in the world,” one senior cartel member said.
“Colombia has a reputation to uphold. Imagine our country’s shame when foreign dignitaries come to visit and we can’t offer our usual hospitality.”
Australian Border Force thanked the cartel for doing their job for them and upgraded their flights to first class.
The LGBT community is “ruining” the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras Festival for “regular beautiful people”, according to outspoken Instagram model, entrepreneur and fashion blogger Chloe.
“The Mardi Gras is the perfect opportunity for beautiful people like me to wear nothing but glitter and all these ugly real lesbians are ruining my hot faux lesbian selfies,” the 23-year-old Bondi blogger said. “Soon kids will be stuffing up my sexy nude #elfies with Santa.”
Chloe plans to boycott this year’s event in protest and take seductive shots of herself in reflective surfaces around her studio apartment.